Monday, March 19, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Psalm 63 kind of day
"I have been bent and broken, but — I hope — into better shape." -Charles Dickens
Those words spoke to me this morning. I've been itching to start my blogging back but haven't known where to start or what to write about, slowly God's been whispering just write about us. The hard part is there hasn't been much of an us for the last few months and perhaps that's why the writing stopped. I think I'm finally ready to start again. This time with a refreshed heart. I am hoping myself back into shape praying for His words not mine.
Praying Psalm 63 today.
"You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you." (Psalm 63:1-3 NIV)
Those words spoke to me this morning. I've been itching to start my blogging back but haven't known where to start or what to write about, slowly God's been whispering just write about us. The hard part is there hasn't been much of an us for the last few months and perhaps that's why the writing stopped. I think I'm finally ready to start again. This time with a refreshed heart. I am hoping myself back into shape praying for His words not mine.
Praying Psalm 63 today.
"You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you." (Psalm 63:1-3 NIV)
Monday, November 21, 2011
Trash Bags, Covenant love & Jehovah Jireh
I'm going through a season where I'm clinging to my independence as if trying to do everything on my own somehow keeps me safe but maybe it just makes me numb. Numb to that fact that I feel deprived in areas that hurt, so numb seems the best alternative. When I say numb, it's a defense. You see, my family is currently going through some harder times along with the rest of the world, which puts me in a very vulnerable state. The very idea of my foundation not being able to support me has left me almost in solitude. It's not their fault, my parents. I do not think less of them for a second, however, my survival instincts have kicked in and I've been working myself to death to insure my tiny self-induced stability is maintained and solid. While some say this is a good thing and that it is building my character, I can feel myself withdrawing, terrified to depend on or let anyone take care of me. I see it most with my boyfriend and close friends. Who wants to be a burden? Who wants to be the one dragging the rest down? Who wants to be the one people feel bad for? Not me. Fortunately, I was reminded of my covenant friendships and love that surrounds me, by a bag of trash bags at Target last night.
My sweet boyfriend had purposefully made some time to spend with me on our Sunday afternoon, after taking me to an unexpected dinner, he needed some groceries. So, to Target we went. The only thing I could think of that I needed was trash bags so I tossed them into the cart with all of his stuff. As we were checking out, I quickly grabbed my $5 trash bags out of the cart and separated them from his things. I did not want the guilt of him accidentally paying for them. The cashier rang up all of his items and then tried to grab my trash bags. Before I could even get a peep out, without missing a beat, Stephen calmly added, "yes, those too." I looked at him confused, as if he'd spend $1,000 on me even though it was only $5. "Why?" I asked him. His answer was simple as usual, because he wanted too, because he finds joy in seeing that my needs are met, even if it's a box of trash bags. He reminded me in that moment just how taken care of I really am. I remember staring down at the grey carpet as we exited and swallowing down a river of tears. When it's covenant love, when it's a covenant friendship, taking care of eachother is not an obligation or a burden, it's a joy. It's not out of pity, it's out of genuine love. I don't need a whole lot, I probably didn't absolutely need trash bags, but at the time what I did need was God to remind me that I'm not quite as alone as I often feel in this. It's funny how God will use a box of trash bags to remind me that He is Jehovah Jireh and through covenant love I will always been taken care of.
My sweet boyfriend had purposefully made some time to spend with me on our Sunday afternoon, after taking me to an unexpected dinner, he needed some groceries. So, to Target we went. The only thing I could think of that I needed was trash bags so I tossed them into the cart with all of his stuff. As we were checking out, I quickly grabbed my $5 trash bags out of the cart and separated them from his things. I did not want the guilt of him accidentally paying for them. The cashier rang up all of his items and then tried to grab my trash bags. Before I could even get a peep out, without missing a beat, Stephen calmly added, "yes, those too." I looked at him confused, as if he'd spend $1,000 on me even though it was only $5. "Why?" I asked him. His answer was simple as usual, because he wanted too, because he finds joy in seeing that my needs are met, even if it's a box of trash bags. He reminded me in that moment just how taken care of I really am. I remember staring down at the grey carpet as we exited and swallowing down a river of tears. When it's covenant love, when it's a covenant friendship, taking care of eachother is not an obligation or a burden, it's a joy. It's not out of pity, it's out of genuine love. I don't need a whole lot, I probably didn't absolutely need trash bags, but at the time what I did need was God to remind me that I'm not quite as alone as I often feel in this. It's funny how God will use a box of trash bags to remind me that He is Jehovah Jireh and through covenant love I will always been taken care of.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Worthy Reblog
We were made to give!
The whole world has it backwards. We’re taught our whole lives that we should “take what we can get” and that marriage is about how someone makes you feel and how compatible they are with you.
but Jesus says “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35) He says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)
Satan wants to take. Because he wants to be above God, who is the all and all, so he cannot ever earn anything by receiving it, he has to steal it.
But it is the NATURE of the God we were created in the image of to give.
love is giving. Jesus says that, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)I receive from God because Jesus died that I would be reunited with Him. I am one with Him. He gives, I receive so I can give. I receive from Him because He is above all and in all, and everything I have comes from Him. But He is my Father and I am not an orphan, so I do not have to steal or work or beg. He gives, and I give what He gives.
I never need to take from anyone because in Him I have enough and I am enough. I love by giving. I live to give.
That’s why we, as people, even exist. Because God is a giving God. He loves. He gives. it’s who He is. God is love. And we were created that He might give of Himself completely, again and again. Love gives of itself because it does not need fear lack. We have rivers of living water flowing through us. We have the Holy Spirit. We will never run out. ”Freely you have received, freely give.” (Matthew 5:10)You are free to freely love.
The whole world has it backwards. We’re taught our whole lives that we should “take what we can get” and that marriage is about how someone makes you feel and how compatible they are with you.
but Jesus says “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35) He says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)
Satan wants to take. Because he wants to be above God, who is the all and all, so he cannot ever earn anything by receiving it, he has to steal it.
But it is the NATURE of the God we were created in the image of to give.
love is giving. Jesus says that, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)I receive from God because Jesus died that I would be reunited with Him. I am one with Him. He gives, I receive so I can give. I receive from Him because He is above all and in all, and everything I have comes from Him. But He is my Father and I am not an orphan, so I do not have to steal or work or beg. He gives, and I give what He gives.
I never need to take from anyone because in Him I have enough and I am enough. I love by giving. I live to give.
That’s why we, as people, even exist. Because God is a giving God. He loves. He gives. it’s who He is. God is love. And we were created that He might give of Himself completely, again and again. Love gives of itself because it does not need fear lack. We have rivers of living water flowing through us. We have the Holy Spirit. We will never run out. ”Freely you have received, freely give.” (Matthew 5:10)You are free to freely love.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Enfolded in His love
"Unfailing love enfolds him who trusts in the Lord." -Psalm 32:10
If those words say anything to me it's,
"Daughter, I've got you. I'm wrapping you up in more love than you can imagine if you'll just trust me."
Sometimes I really do feel like a little girl curled up in her father's lap. I'm protected and safe even when I forget I'm in the arms of the Almighty. Strange how our earthly minds can forget such a thing and worldly matters can consume. Father, help me to remember that I'm enfolded in your love, literally wrapped in it for safe keeping and I do not need to worry.
If those words say anything to me it's,
"Daughter, I've got you. I'm wrapping you up in more love than you can imagine if you'll just trust me."
Sometimes I really do feel like a little girl curled up in her father's lap. I'm protected and safe even when I forget I'm in the arms of the Almighty. Strange how our earthly minds can forget such a thing and worldly matters can consume. Father, help me to remember that I'm enfolded in your love, literally wrapped in it for safe keeping and I do not need to worry.
Monday, October 10, 2011
You intended to harm me..but
Where there were stains from my poor attempts to clean myself, Your blood covered all. I woke up the other day with an ear full from the devil. His best weapons loaded and launched from the moment my eyes fluttered open. I began to feel dirty, unworthy, not good enough. It was as if my past decisions had built some army and I was Pearl Harbor. I sat through my three hour upper-division social work class and the girl beside me kept asking if I were about to cry. I couldn't even look at her. I left and drove straight to my boyfriends house. I needed him to know everything. I needed him to know I'd dated the wrong guys before him and he definitely wasn't my first kiss. Being his first really serious girlfriend, the devil kept saying,
"It's too bad he waited all this time for this, you aren't exactly rapped in plastic off the shelf. You're used. You're never going to be on his level. You might as well get this over with. You'll be glad you ended things so early this time."
I sat across from him on his bed. I couldn't look at him. Instead I fixed my eyes on the different shades of blue strips that make up his bed spread. Once I'd finished explaining I waited to hear confirmation so I could leave and it could be over. I heard him clear his throat and say, "that's it?" and before he'd let me respond, he said with complete confidence, "I love you. Don't you dare let the devil get in your head like that again. Everything is fine, I'm not going anywhere."
All I could murmor was, "I was expecting you to make me feel bad, or dirty or something."
His reply was perfect. "You are clean and you know it." That was the end of the discussion.
I got baptized recently, and there was this divine moment right after. After I stepped out of the pool I had to go around the side of the building and come in by the bathrooms where my change of clothes were. As I left my family and friends briefly, I rounded the corner to the empty all hallway were Stephen had run to meet me. He wrapped me up in his arms (me soaking wet, him still dressed in his church attire) and told me how proud he was of me. I'd been waiting for a moment like that. Praying that such a moment existed for me. Where I felt renewed and on track with God's divine direction, and there dripping wet, I knew. So when he said, "You're clean and you know it." He meant it. He meant that I am washed by the blood, and there's not a stain left on me. I'm thankful for those words of life and for someone who never lets me forget them.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..." -Genesis 50:20
"It's too bad he waited all this time for this, you aren't exactly rapped in plastic off the shelf. You're used. You're never going to be on his level. You might as well get this over with. You'll be glad you ended things so early this time."
I sat across from him on his bed. I couldn't look at him. Instead I fixed my eyes on the different shades of blue strips that make up his bed spread. Once I'd finished explaining I waited to hear confirmation so I could leave and it could be over. I heard him clear his throat and say, "that's it?" and before he'd let me respond, he said with complete confidence, "I love you. Don't you dare let the devil get in your head like that again. Everything is fine, I'm not going anywhere."
All I could murmor was, "I was expecting you to make me feel bad, or dirty or something."
His reply was perfect. "You are clean and you know it." That was the end of the discussion.
I got baptized recently, and there was this divine moment right after. After I stepped out of the pool I had to go around the side of the building and come in by the bathrooms where my change of clothes were. As I left my family and friends briefly, I rounded the corner to the empty all hallway were Stephen had run to meet me. He wrapped me up in his arms (me soaking wet, him still dressed in his church attire) and told me how proud he was of me. I'd been waiting for a moment like that. Praying that such a moment existed for me. Where I felt renewed and on track with God's divine direction, and there dripping wet, I knew. So when he said, "You're clean and you know it." He meant it. He meant that I am washed by the blood, and there's not a stain left on me. I'm thankful for those words of life and for someone who never lets me forget them.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..." -Genesis 50:20
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