Trash Bags, Covenant love & Jehovah Jireh

I'm going through a season where I'm clinging to my independence as if trying to do everything on my own somehow keeps me safe but maybe it just makes me numb. Numb to that fact that I feel deprived in areas that hurt, so numb seems the best alternative. When I say numb, it's a defense. You see, my family is currently going through some harder times along with the rest of the world, which puts me in a very vulnerable state. The very idea of my foundation not being able to support me has left me almost in solitude. It's not their fault, my parents. I do not think less of them for a second, however, my survival instincts have kicked in and I've been working myself to death to insure my tiny self-induced stability is maintained and solid. While some say this is a good thing and that it is building my character, I can feel myself withdrawing, terrified to depend on or let anyone take care of me. I see it most with my boyfriend and close friends. Who wants to be a burden? Who wants to be the one dragging the rest down? Who wants to be the one people feel bad for? Not me. Fortunately, I was reminded of my covenant friendships and love that surrounds me, by a bag of trash bags at Target last night.

My sweet boyfriend had purposefully made some time to spend with me on our Sunday afternoon, after taking me to an unexpected dinner, he needed some groceries. So, to Target we went. The only thing I could think of that I needed was trash bags so I tossed them into the cart with all of his stuff. As we were checking out, I quickly grabbed my $5 trash bags out of the cart and separated them from his things. I did not want the guilt of him accidentally paying for them. The cashier rang up all of his items and then tried to grab my trash bags. Before I could even get a peep out, without missing a beat, Stephen calmly added, "yes, those too." I looked at him confused, as if he'd spend $1,000 on me even though it was only $5. "Why?" I asked him. His answer was simple as usual, because he wanted too, because he finds joy in seeing that my needs are met, even if it's a box of trash bags. He reminded me in that moment just how taken care of I really am. I remember staring down at the grey carpet as we exited and swallowing down a river of tears. When it's covenant love, when it's a covenant friendship, taking care of eachother is not an obligation or a burden, it's a joy. It's not out of pity, it's out of genuine love. I don't need a whole lot, I probably didn't absolutely need trash bags, but at the time what I did need was God to remind me that I'm not quite as alone as I often feel in this. It's funny how God will use a box of trash bags to remind me that He is Jehovah Jireh and through covenant love I will always been taken care of.