Jesus doesn't studder

"Jesus' word remain or abide (in Him, in His love), repeated ten times in John 15, means being at home in Him, living constantly in His presence and in harmony with His will."

Well, to continue my Elliot theme, I have yet another quote that I wanted to share. I have been meaning to read John 15 for weeks now and for some reason, I hadn't until today. If you haven't read it, no, actually even if you have read it lately, get your bible out and read it again. When Jesus repeats things, it's not because the man had a studder, it's because whatever it is, is very important.

(My secret theory is that He knew people, like myself, with ADD would need it repeated multiple times before it finally sinks in.)

Like a broken record His voice answers my never ending questions and thoughts,

I'm worried..
"Abide in Me."

I don't know what I'm doing..
"Abide in my word"

But how is this going to work?
"Kendall, remain in me and I'll remain in you."

That's it?
"When you obey me, you remain in my love, where my love is, my joy is also."
ohh..

Those old words

"He who had led will lead
All through the wilderness
He who hath fed, will surely feed
He who had heard thy cry
Will never close His ear
He who hath marked thy faintest sigh
will not forget thy tears
He loveth always, faileth never
So rest on Him Today-forever"
-Amy Carmichael

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

"I won't break a promise" -God

I've been thinking about what I taught my little girls on Wednesday night a lot. It was on God promising Abraham and Sarah a child, not only that, but that he will be the father to millions of people and many nations and kings. As the story goes for those who need refreshing, God makes this promise to Abraham and many years go by. In fact He and Sarah realize that Sarah is barren and that having a child looks impossible. So, at eighty years old Abraham fathers a child with Sarah's servant. This child is what will later lead to all the Middle Eastern countries (crazy). Anyway, twenty years later, when Abraham is breaching a hundred years old, God comes to him and lets him know that the covenant they made still stands true and that he and Sarah will have their own child within a year. They do and this child's lineage is exactly as God promised.

For me, this is a story that I've heard over and over since I was a kid, never once has it moved me or made me come to any real revelation, that is, until I had to teach it. I actually got choked up talking to them, explaining that I have felt the way Abraham probably felt all those years ago. I have and still am in a situation where I sit sometimes and say, "God, I don't know how you're going to work this one out. It looks impossible, not to mention I tried to fix it myself and now I've messed it up too bad. I've ruined it." It looked like since Sarah was barren and that they were old that having a natural child was impossible. It looked like God hadn't kept His promise, after all, why had He let them get so old? It didn't make sense. So, they took it into their own hands giving Abraham the servant to have a child with. Now they have this child, but not from Sarah. It looks like they have messed everything up. In a human mind, our thought process is, "I've messed up, I don't deserve to have God come through. I don't deserve to have Him keep His promise, not now. I should have trusted Him, how will I ever be worthy again of that promise?"

God's a nice guy though. He shows up twenty years after Abraham had taken the situation into his own hands and says, "Hey, remember that time I made a promise to you, I meant it. You're still going to have that son. No, I don't care that you took it into your own hands. You see, you may break promises, but I don't, ever."

I have to smile at the thought. So often to we come to a place where it looks as though God hasn't come through, in our minds it's too late and the situation has become impossible, so we take it into our own hands. Then, when it crumbles into a thousand pieces we wonder how we'll ever pick up that many pieces and put them back together again. I know I've been there and will come there again, but God doesn't break promises. He doesn't. He's never late. He doesn't forget and He doesn't need us to put the broken pieces back together to make everything work out. He is the Creator and He always has something for us if we'd just relinquish the hold we have on our failures. It's His joy to redeem and give. Even when it seems impossible, God has the ability to make a way if we'll just trust. If we'll just place the pieces in His hands and believe He'll make beautiful things out of dust. Trust that His will is better, His timing is better, and His way is beyond a shadow of a doubt, better.

A waviering step

Every time I've tried to write lately, I've been so honest that often the words I've written I don't even want to read, too personal, too much blood from too deep. So, I've decided to leave them as drafts, to come back to later. Uncertainty, friends, is a murderer. It sneaks in when while your life is busy and cuts you deep in your most tender spots when you're alone. I found myself in the middle of good times, somehow dying on the inside with unresolved plans and unanswered questions. Where to next? Am I doing everything I'm supposed to? Am I being a good enough friend? Am I supposed to just be a social worker? Am I supposed to move back to Birmingham after graduation? What if I decided to switch jobs, can I be as successful as I think I'll be? Will lack of money be the straw that breaks the camel's back before I even get started? The questions could go on for days. I don't very often let anyone know that I think so much. People say it's always better to keep your mouth shut, and so, I do almost always these days.

In the midst of many emotions last night, I sat on my couch in tears, wondering if I'd made all the right decisions, wondering about people I may have hurt without realizing it, and how I have no words or place to even say anything. Do I know everything will be alright? Yes. Did it feel alright last night? No. I do not like conflict, and the tension from it is enough to drive me crazy. I'm a peace maker, a problem solver and an issue addressee. So, coming to the conclusion that doing nothing is the answer was a tough bullet to bite. Why am I going to do nothing? Quite frankly, that's the only peace I got after I prayed about it. So, that was yesterday, this is today. I am leaving my hand on the plow and not looking back. Father, give me love so that I may not waiver in step. Your light is only thing that guides my way.

Quote of the week

"The disposition to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even existence of the life of self." -T.C. Upham

Fun enough?

This weekend I came to self revelation. I've had this inner battle going on for, well, years now. It's this battle of whether I am fun enough. I know it sounds ridiculous and dumb, but let me explain. At the very core of me, I am a home body. I love a good laugh, and having fun with my friends (who doesn't?), but at the end of every day including the weekends, I just want to come home and relax. On the flip side, I don't like coming home to an empty house or these days an empty apartment. There is nothing I seem to love more from memories or current moments then walking in and plopping on the couch with a bestfriend. As much of a planner as I am, my most treasured moments are those where nothing really happened other than a great conversation or the uncontrollable laugh that hurts your cheek muscles later.

To explain how I came to this thought let me explain the situation that lead me there. I was discussing with a friend about people going to a bar to hear another friend play and sing. I immediately thought, "Nope not going, no exceptions, you can drop me off at home." The decision was made without a second thought. The intentions behind the decision was what kept me quiet the whole trip home. You see, I didn't say no because of guilt from being a leader in a ministry, I didn't say no because I just wasn't in the mood, and I didn't say no because I was 'just tired'. The truth is, I don't like going out. Whether morals play into it or not, it's just never been my scene. Does that make me lame? Not fun? Maybe. Either way, that's who I am. I'm a craft making, board game playing, movie watching, blogging 21 year old. My roommates occasionally walk in on me making random crafts in the den listening to oldies. I have read more books in the last four years than in my whole life combined. Do I love hosting events and talking to people, absolutely, but when it's over it's time to go home and get away I am more than ready. I always think as I leave that I've lost some kind of playful fun spirit, but truthfully, I've always been that way and now that I'm older, it's not so strange. Fun to me means good times with a small circle of people, whether it's my roommates, my bestfriends, or my future spouse and our life and that is totally okay. If I'm trying to be fun for anyone else, then there is something wrong.