A waviering step

Every time I've tried to write lately, I've been so honest that often the words I've written I don't even want to read, too personal, too much blood from too deep. So, I've decided to leave them as drafts, to come back to later. Uncertainty, friends, is a murderer. It sneaks in when while your life is busy and cuts you deep in your most tender spots when you're alone. I found myself in the middle of good times, somehow dying on the inside with unresolved plans and unanswered questions. Where to next? Am I doing everything I'm supposed to? Am I being a good enough friend? Am I supposed to just be a social worker? Am I supposed to move back to Birmingham after graduation? What if I decided to switch jobs, can I be as successful as I think I'll be? Will lack of money be the straw that breaks the camel's back before I even get started? The questions could go on for days. I don't very often let anyone know that I think so much. People say it's always better to keep your mouth shut, and so, I do almost always these days.

In the midst of many emotions last night, I sat on my couch in tears, wondering if I'd made all the right decisions, wondering about people I may have hurt without realizing it, and how I have no words or place to even say anything. Do I know everything will be alright? Yes. Did it feel alright last night? No. I do not like conflict, and the tension from it is enough to drive me crazy. I'm a peace maker, a problem solver and an issue addressee. So, coming to the conclusion that doing nothing is the answer was a tough bullet to bite. Why am I going to do nothing? Quite frankly, that's the only peace I got after I prayed about it. So, that was yesterday, this is today. I am leaving my hand on the plow and not looking back. Father, give me love so that I may not waiver in step. Your light is only thing that guides my way.