"The secret is knowing that it is Christ in me, not me in different circumstances, that changes things."

Treading Water

Ever feel like you're just treading water, barley keeping your head above the surface? Waiting for that moment where you can press your feet on something stable again. I get that way every once in while. Where I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions that if I could just regain focus maybe I could hold it all together.

Those are the moments where I feel God remind me,

"You don't need to carry that. Stop trying to hold it all together, that's my job. Keep your eyes on Me. Don't concern yourself with the what-ifs of later. Be here, right here in this moment. And what ever it takes, love. Love and let yourself remember how loved you are. My love endures forever and even in the midst of chaos, my love is there waiting for you. Let my love rescue you from raging seas. Look only to Me and I'll be the rock you can stand on. Let my love shield you from the pouring rain. Let my love fill you till it over flows into the mess around you. I will finish what I have started. You don't need to worry."

Jehoviah Nissi

You never leave me.
You hold me tight when the dark rolls in.
I am trusting in You.
In this hurricane I stand firm on Your promise.
I cry out Jehovah Nissi
Your name will be my banner in this battle.
You are faithful til the end.
You restore my soul.
Your peace transcends understanding
Your words light my way
You are always good
When all else seems bad.
Even in the moments I can't feel You
You are there
Never for one moment forgetting me.

Today, He was My Refuge

You restore my heart oh, Lord
You bring peace to my chaos
You draw me near you,
In the midst of all these people,
You calm my soul.
This small moment with you
brings arms of refuge
It's a waterfall of comfort
that falls from my my head to my feet
Your love seals me from the rain
and I am only soaked by
awareness of how well you take care of me
when I let You.
Beautiful surrender is the fire of Your embrace.
All worry melts to the floor.

Here goes nothing

I hate what I'm about to write but it's like word vomit, as hard as I am trying to ignore it, and hold it in, it just does not seem possible. Ugh. Literally, I know once I write it that I'm obligated, that my mentality has to change, that I'm committed and quitting is not an option.

I do not like the idea of "commitment". Let me explain what I'm referencing. I am talking about that thing girls do where they feel like God has called them to a season of no dating and then by the end of it they end up with some awesome boyfriend waiting hand and foot for them. Here's why I don't like it. I went through a period of time where I was more than glad to not be dating anyone. No one I knew seemed sufficient anyway and spending time with God was easy, I mean what else did I have to do? That sounds a whole lot like the same season those girls talked about only mine was not something I had to choose. I was happy to be right where I was. Now, the truth of matter currently is...

I've gotten away from that care free state I once lived so freely in. It makes me mad at myself. Why do I want someone now? Why am I not fully satisfied sometimes? It's frustrating. And I can feel God telling me that, that's what the commitment is for. Before, loving God and God alone was not something I had to make myself do. Now it's about choosing Him. Choosing Him doesn't just mean saying no to everything else, but actively pursuing with everything in me. Dedication takes effort and I realize that this may be harder than I want to admit, not because I even have other options, but because I know there are parts of me that have been riding this journey on autopilot. I've fought doing this for a couple weeks now because I wanted my motives to be right, but God's been whispering, stop worrying about that, stop over thinking, just say yes and trust me. How long? Something in my gut says August, but if it's longer than so be it. I've officially become one of those girls, reluctantly.

This should be interesting.

"But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom."

A Love So Sweet

Something I've realized about myself is that I've been going about my life trying to live up to all the misconceptions about myself. That I need to be better at this, that I'm a christian so I ought to speak like this or talk this way or give off a certain persona. I waste tons of time thinking about what I should be or need to be that I have lost sight of the one thing I know to be true. I am His child. Nothing else even matters. At the end of the day we are all His children. All lost, yet somehow all found in the arms of mercy if we so choose. He doesn't want anything but for us to let Him love us so that we may share that love with people who have never known something so sweet. To be broken for the cause of Christ is far more beautiful that to continually try to hold ourselves together in an already broken world.

Father, may your word continue to be the lamp at my feet. May you guide me step for step, in a rush for nothing, but with a desire that is running.