Here goes nothing

I hate what I'm about to write but it's like word vomit, as hard as I am trying to ignore it, and hold it in, it just does not seem possible. Ugh. Literally, I know once I write it that I'm obligated, that my mentality has to change, that I'm committed and quitting is not an option.

I do not like the idea of "commitment". Let me explain what I'm referencing. I am talking about that thing girls do where they feel like God has called them to a season of no dating and then by the end of it they end up with some awesome boyfriend waiting hand and foot for them. Here's why I don't like it. I went through a period of time where I was more than glad to not be dating anyone. No one I knew seemed sufficient anyway and spending time with God was easy, I mean what else did I have to do? That sounds a whole lot like the same season those girls talked about only mine was not something I had to choose. I was happy to be right where I was. Now, the truth of matter currently is...

I've gotten away from that care free state I once lived so freely in. It makes me mad at myself. Why do I want someone now? Why am I not fully satisfied sometimes? It's frustrating. And I can feel God telling me that, that's what the commitment is for. Before, loving God and God alone was not something I had to make myself do. Now it's about choosing Him. Choosing Him doesn't just mean saying no to everything else, but actively pursuing with everything in me. Dedication takes effort and I realize that this may be harder than I want to admit, not because I even have other options, but because I know there are parts of me that have been riding this journey on autopilot. I've fought doing this for a couple weeks now because I wanted my motives to be right, but God's been whispering, stop worrying about that, stop over thinking, just say yes and trust me. How long? Something in my gut says August, but if it's longer than so be it. I've officially become one of those girls, reluctantly.

This should be interesting.