:D

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have finished my research paper.. and I needed a good chuckle. This is so me it's not even funny. (If you know me you will laugh). :) Have a nice night friends.

I am an ADD kid

KENDALL FOCUS!!..that is all I keep telling myself. School would be so much easier if I could get focused..but I don't want to have to take some medication to be able to sit and actually do my work. Today I cleaned the whole apartment, like I'm talking dusted, vaccumed, wiped down every surface.. you name it. Then, I painted a mirror, then I bought some new crosses and things and hung them, and now I am blogging about it all in the attempt to not type my paper. I am productive in every area except the one that matters most in the current moment. Okay, off to try to make some progress. Lord, please help me focus.

cabin fever at work

I am supposed to be writing a paper right now for one of my social work classes, but I just can't get into it. It's even an interesting topic. I think I need to go running or jogging or something. I am about to go crazy sitting in front of this screen, but I'm at work and I cannot vacate the premises for another 30 minutes. So, here I am, telling you about it so you can finish reading this and feel like you have not gained any wisdom or knowledge or fun quotes. Yep, it's been decided. I will go for a run when I get off. Gosh it is going to feel awesome, why? Because it feel AWESOME outside. This is officially my favorite time of year. Summer is a close second, but my air conditioning went out this summer in my car and didn't get fixed till about 4 weeks ago, so summer lost it's number one position after a near death experience of extreme temperatures in my car. No, I didn't really almost die, but it was not a pleasant experience to say the least. You are getting to see my sarcastic side. I don't usually write as sarcastically as I speak, which is kind of strange I guess. You probably thought I was a whole lot nicer than I really am and.... I am nice... Just not one of those always perky perfectly nice people. I have a personality and from time to time (like every day) I can get brutally honest, like right now. Why can't I write this quickly when I write my papers? It's like the word school gives me an automatic writers block. Ugh. I think the real problem is that I had an unusually large about of Mountain Dew earlier and I'm over caffeinated and bored out of my mind. The two are not a good mix. Okay.. thats it, I'm packing it up and going to stand by the door, at precisely 6:00 P.M. I am peacing out of this joint. I feel like an over excited 5 year old, I seriously need to run this off.

Anyone else have thoughts?

I was walking to class today and I took my adderall, which I only take when I have to study, write a paper or take a test. Yes, I am prescribed. I should take it regularly but I don't, I don't like to be dependant on things or people for that matter. Anyway, I was thinking unusually hard (cause that's what adderall makes you do) and I started to think about how crazy it is that we can hop on Facebook and "stalk" someone we never have or ever will meet in the flesh and know all kinds of things about them. I am guilty myself. For example, I clearly love reading blogs so when I find someone on Facebook that has one, I automatically click it. This person maybe an acquaintance or even a stranger, but suddenly I can have a peak at the way this person thinks, they way they feel about life, what they are passionate about. It's usually all there. It blows my mind. I actually follow this girl's blog who lives in Oklahoma and I literally know everything about her life as if I had read a book about her. As if we were friends. I feel like I know her, but I don't. That is the point I am trying to make. She isn't a real friend.

Is this really how we want to function as a society? Do I want to know that my bestfriend from high school got engaged because it popped up on my mini feed? Would I be better friends with her, more willing to call her, or make time for her if I didn't keep up with her via Facebook, Twitter, Blogspot..? If all those things were gone, I would have to call her if I wanted to know how she was, I would have to see her in person to see her new hair cut and the 20 pounds she lost. It makes me wonder if all this "stuff" is doing us any good? I'm not an idiot, I do realize that it makes everything more convenient but have we let that become our crutch to getting in touch with people? I actually have family members that write on my wall on my birthday instead of calling. Call it "new age", but I call it crap. We have created our own little worlds and because we network it looks like we are way more engaged in life than we actually are. Engaged in life is not sitting in front of a computer, tv, ipad, laptop, itouch, iphone, blackberry, and all the other crazy gadgets that distract us from the life we think we are living.

Yes, I love blogging. Yes, I love Facebook, but I can't help but wonder if our generation is in a huge sink hole and we just don't realize it. We're sucked in with every new innovation and suddenly life without those things doesn't seem great or beautiful anymore. In fact, if you don't have those things you are actually considered unfortunate. What a lie, what a horrible lie.

beautiful words

:)

haha.. I don't really care if you laughed cause it made me smile :)

"I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them right now, but when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth, for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things that are to come."
-John 16:12-13

Even when the rain falls

"Even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts raising, even when the storm comes, I am washed by the water." -Needtobreathe

I appreciate the truth

For months I've been trying to pin point what my deal has been. Finally at The Ramp (a ministry in Hamilton, AL) the other day, the Lord painted a pretty vivid picture of my issue for me. He showed me an egg with a flawless porcelian shell, but on the inside the shell, the yoke was starting to rot. Then, the Lord revealed, that until I break my shell, He could not pour me out, He could not refine me in the fire and He could not use me to feed anyone. Wow. Thank you Father.

You hold it all together

The same man who holds the world, holds my heart. I can rest easy in that.

Jesus gives out reality checks

I have a feeling I'm about to be so much more honest than I was planning. This picture, I found it on another girl's blog and I saved it to my computer along with probably 30 others knowing I would at some point insert it into my own blog. I literally thought, "man that one is powerful, I'll use that the next time I'm in a rut." Funny thing is I have tried to write several other post since but I can't get away from this picture.

Then the truth began to bleed out. That is me I've just been ignoring it. I've literally been thinking that because I put my self in places where I should feel Him, that I haven't been distant, even though I've been harden to the presence longer than I like to admit. It's something I do as a defense, I'm supposed to be a leader, someone who's already saved so I shouldn't need to weep at the alter of a service I help put on, or tell my christian friends that I'm not alright and everything isn't rainbows and roses. No, instead I've covered it up with my cynical jokes and smile and arm rises during service worship songs. Wow, I'm being honest.

Father, I'm sorry I've been so distant. I'm sorry that I have silently ran from you and shut myself off to you. This is my sad attempt to humble myself and let anyone know who reads this. I do not have it all together. I am broken a lot. Some days I do need to lay at Your feet because I can't fix everything myself. I can't fix my family and the things that happen to them, I can't change days where everything crashes in around me, BUT I can let you hold me. I can let you whisper that even when I'm by myself, I am not alone and tomorrow will be better.

Keep showing me who I really am so that I can make myself more like You. I love you.

what can i do for You

what can i bring to You

What kind of song would you like me to sing?

cause i'll dance a dance for you

pour out my love to you

what can i do for you beautiful king?

cause i can't thank you enough

i can't thank you enough

what can I do for you

what can i bring to you

what kind of song would you like me to sing

cause i'll dance a dance for you

pour out my love to you

what can I do for you beautiful king?

cause I can't thank You enough

I can't thank you enough

all the words that i find, i can't thank you enough

no matter how i try, i can't thank you enough

then i hear you sing to me

"you don't have to do a thing,

but just simply be with me

and let those things go,

cause they can wait another minute

wait, this moment is to sweet

would you please stay here with Me

and love on me a little longer

I'd like to be with you a little longer,

cause I'm inlove with you."

I just need You.

Father, I act like because I'm not committing sins that others see that I don't have to tell You I'm sorry. I am. I am far from perfect. I think things that I shouldn't and my human mind doubts You daily. Never stop saving me, loving me, holding me.

I Forget Too Often

"It was never a concept to believe or a thought to know, but it was a reality that I am loved and that You desire me. That when I ran and I lusted in Your name, You waited for me because You would not relent until you had all of me. My hands have bruised and destroyed while Your hands have healed and restored."

Mid-day Ramble

Had lunch with an old friend today. I enjoyed hearing how life was treating her, the good and the bad. She's one of those people that entrances you in conversations. She is always honest and so pure in heart that even as she tells me how her world has fallen apart, I couldn't help but admire her and the way she embraces life. I love that about her. She makes for a great friend.

On a side note, I haven't felt myself lately. Can't quite put my finger on it. Actually, that's a lie. I can. I just don't want too. Heather (the girl I just talked about) told me sometimes the only thing that made her feel better was when she got everything out. I know I need to do that but right now. I don't want too. Maybe I will one day soon, when it gets bad enough. You'd think I would know better by now than to let it get that way, but oh well.

The Dirt Behind the Decor

Haven't posted in a while.. I guess I've just been busy with work and school lately, not a whole lot of down time. I think I'm at a place where I'm letting go of stuff and for once that seems okay. I'm one of those people that can walk in my room and say trash or keep about everything..and the things I say keep too are few but carry some kind of importance to me. It's funny how we let certain "things"..tangible things, carry a moment or season where something happened to us, good and bad and we can't let that thing go.

Some of my things consist of old facebook pictures, actual photos, notes, cards, teddy bears..ect. I can't understand how these things can be so hard to get rid of. My latest baby step in that direction was deleting my facebook. Here you go guys, the truth about that is, I couldn't bring my self to get rid of certain pictures so I just got rid of all of it. Maybe I'll reactivate when I get some real courage.

A good friend said to me the other night, "Kendall I think it's time you just 'checked out' of that situation". She probably doesn't even remember saying that, but I haven't been able to forget it. I needed to start fresh with serveral things. One was my homebase.. aka my bedroom. It's my escape, but for a while it was my brightly colored prison. Everything about it held memories from the past people and moments.. some I don't want to keep anymore. So, I splurged and redecorated. New room, new memories, new start. I've already changed just about everything right down to the lamps, only thing left to do is a little paint on my furniture.

I chose neutral colors, for once. I had this theory growing up that if my room was bright happy colors, then, in turn, I would be bright and happy. I think my bright yellow bed spread got cried in more than any other so, scratch that theory. Yellow doesn't always fix a broken heart, or a broken family, or a betrayal of a friend. Now, my room, appropriately filled with browns and blues and pearl colored things, doesn't scream HEY BE HAPPY, they say,"you don't have to be happy about everything to be peaceful about everything."

I am slowly saying goodbye to a lot of things I have hopelessly held on too for far too long now. Erasing some deep scars I had too comfortably adapted to. Strange how we learn to deal with pain as if it is not better than being without it? Seems so illogical and yet we all do it, don't we? What have I got to lose at this point? If what I want is not tangible to me then accepting that or "checking out" in every sense is my best option. Boy am I ready for a new future. An unplanned by me completely God lead future. I'm sure it will be way better than what I planned and saw crash and burn.