The Dirt Behind the Decor

Haven't posted in a while.. I guess I've just been busy with work and school lately, not a whole lot of down time. I think I'm at a place where I'm letting go of stuff and for once that seems okay. I'm one of those people that can walk in my room and say trash or keep about everything..and the things I say keep too are few but carry some kind of importance to me. It's funny how we let certain "things"..tangible things, carry a moment or season where something happened to us, good and bad and we can't let that thing go.

Some of my things consist of old facebook pictures, actual photos, notes, cards, teddy bears..ect. I can't understand how these things can be so hard to get rid of. My latest baby step in that direction was deleting my facebook. Here you go guys, the truth about that is, I couldn't bring my self to get rid of certain pictures so I just got rid of all of it. Maybe I'll reactivate when I get some real courage.

A good friend said to me the other night, "Kendall I think it's time you just 'checked out' of that situation". She probably doesn't even remember saying that, but I haven't been able to forget it. I needed to start fresh with serveral things. One was my homebase.. aka my bedroom. It's my escape, but for a while it was my brightly colored prison. Everything about it held memories from the past people and moments.. some I don't want to keep anymore. So, I splurged and redecorated. New room, new memories, new start. I've already changed just about everything right down to the lamps, only thing left to do is a little paint on my furniture.

I chose neutral colors, for once. I had this theory growing up that if my room was bright happy colors, then, in turn, I would be bright and happy. I think my bright yellow bed spread got cried in more than any other so, scratch that theory. Yellow doesn't always fix a broken heart, or a broken family, or a betrayal of a friend. Now, my room, appropriately filled with browns and blues and pearl colored things, doesn't scream HEY BE HAPPY, they say,"you don't have to be happy about everything to be peaceful about everything."

I am slowly saying goodbye to a lot of things I have hopelessly held on too for far too long now. Erasing some deep scars I had too comfortably adapted to. Strange how we learn to deal with pain as if it is not better than being without it? Seems so illogical and yet we all do it, don't we? What have I got to lose at this point? If what I want is not tangible to me then accepting that or "checking out" in every sense is my best option. Boy am I ready for a new future. An unplanned by me completely God lead future. I'm sure it will be way better than what I planned and saw crash and burn.