Monday, March 19, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Psalm 63 kind of day
"I have been bent and broken, but — I hope — into better shape." -Charles Dickens
Those words spoke to me this morning. I've been itching to start my blogging back but haven't known where to start or what to write about, slowly God's been whispering just write about us. The hard part is there hasn't been much of an us for the last few months and perhaps that's why the writing stopped. I think I'm finally ready to start again. This time with a refreshed heart. I am hoping myself back into shape praying for His words not mine.
Praying Psalm 63 today.
"You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you." (Psalm 63:1-3 NIV)
Those words spoke to me this morning. I've been itching to start my blogging back but haven't known where to start or what to write about, slowly God's been whispering just write about us. The hard part is there hasn't been much of an us for the last few months and perhaps that's why the writing stopped. I think I'm finally ready to start again. This time with a refreshed heart. I am hoping myself back into shape praying for His words not mine.
Praying Psalm 63 today.
"You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you." (Psalm 63:1-3 NIV)
Monday, November 21, 2011
Trash Bags, Covenant love & Jehovah Jireh
I'm going through a season where I'm clinging to my independence as if trying to do everything on my own somehow keeps me safe but maybe it just makes me numb. Numb to that fact that I feel deprived in areas that hurt, so numb seems the best alternative. When I say numb, it's a defense. You see, my family is currently going through some harder times along with the rest of the world, which puts me in a very vulnerable state. The very idea of my foundation not being able to support me has left me almost in solitude. It's not their fault, my parents. I do not think less of them for a second, however, my survival instincts have kicked in and I've been working myself to death to insure my tiny self-induced stability is maintained and solid. While some say this is a good thing and that it is building my character, I can feel myself withdrawing, terrified to depend on or let anyone take care of me. I see it most with my boyfriend and close friends. Who wants to be a burden? Who wants to be the one dragging the rest down? Who wants to be the one people feel bad for? Not me. Fortunately, I was reminded of my covenant friendships and love that surrounds me, by a bag of trash bags at Target last night.
My sweet boyfriend had purposefully made some time to spend with me on our Sunday afternoon, after taking me to an unexpected dinner, he needed some groceries. So, to Target we went. The only thing I could think of that I needed was trash bags so I tossed them into the cart with all of his stuff. As we were checking out, I quickly grabbed my $5 trash bags out of the cart and separated them from his things. I did not want the guilt of him accidentally paying for them. The cashier rang up all of his items and then tried to grab my trash bags. Before I could even get a peep out, without missing a beat, Stephen calmly added, "yes, those too." I looked at him confused, as if he'd spend $1,000 on me even though it was only $5. "Why?" I asked him. His answer was simple as usual, because he wanted too, because he finds joy in seeing that my needs are met, even if it's a box of trash bags. He reminded me in that moment just how taken care of I really am. I remember staring down at the grey carpet as we exited and swallowing down a river of tears. When it's covenant love, when it's a covenant friendship, taking care of eachother is not an obligation or a burden, it's a joy. It's not out of pity, it's out of genuine love. I don't need a whole lot, I probably didn't absolutely need trash bags, but at the time what I did need was God to remind me that I'm not quite as alone as I often feel in this. It's funny how God will use a box of trash bags to remind me that He is Jehovah Jireh and through covenant love I will always been taken care of.
My sweet boyfriend had purposefully made some time to spend with me on our Sunday afternoon, after taking me to an unexpected dinner, he needed some groceries. So, to Target we went. The only thing I could think of that I needed was trash bags so I tossed them into the cart with all of his stuff. As we were checking out, I quickly grabbed my $5 trash bags out of the cart and separated them from his things. I did not want the guilt of him accidentally paying for them. The cashier rang up all of his items and then tried to grab my trash bags. Before I could even get a peep out, without missing a beat, Stephen calmly added, "yes, those too." I looked at him confused, as if he'd spend $1,000 on me even though it was only $5. "Why?" I asked him. His answer was simple as usual, because he wanted too, because he finds joy in seeing that my needs are met, even if it's a box of trash bags. He reminded me in that moment just how taken care of I really am. I remember staring down at the grey carpet as we exited and swallowing down a river of tears. When it's covenant love, when it's a covenant friendship, taking care of eachother is not an obligation or a burden, it's a joy. It's not out of pity, it's out of genuine love. I don't need a whole lot, I probably didn't absolutely need trash bags, but at the time what I did need was God to remind me that I'm not quite as alone as I often feel in this. It's funny how God will use a box of trash bags to remind me that He is Jehovah Jireh and through covenant love I will always been taken care of.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Worthy Reblog
We were made to give!
The whole world has it backwards. We’re taught our whole lives that we should “take what we can get” and that marriage is about how someone makes you feel and how compatible they are with you.
but Jesus says “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35) He says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)
Satan wants to take. Because he wants to be above God, who is the all and all, so he cannot ever earn anything by receiving it, he has to steal it.
But it is the NATURE of the God we were created in the image of to give.
love is giving. Jesus says that, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)I receive from God because Jesus died that I would be reunited with Him. I am one with Him. He gives, I receive so I can give. I receive from Him because He is above all and in all, and everything I have comes from Him. But He is my Father and I am not an orphan, so I do not have to steal or work or beg. He gives, and I give what He gives.
I never need to take from anyone because in Him I have enough and I am enough. I love by giving. I live to give.
That’s why we, as people, even exist. Because God is a giving God. He loves. He gives. it’s who He is. God is love. And we were created that He might give of Himself completely, again and again. Love gives of itself because it does not need fear lack. We have rivers of living water flowing through us. We have the Holy Spirit. We will never run out. ”Freely you have received, freely give.” (Matthew 5:10)You are free to freely love.
The whole world has it backwards. We’re taught our whole lives that we should “take what we can get” and that marriage is about how someone makes you feel and how compatible they are with you.
but Jesus says “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35) He says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)
Satan wants to take. Because he wants to be above God, who is the all and all, so he cannot ever earn anything by receiving it, he has to steal it.
But it is the NATURE of the God we were created in the image of to give.
love is giving. Jesus says that, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)I receive from God because Jesus died that I would be reunited with Him. I am one with Him. He gives, I receive so I can give. I receive from Him because He is above all and in all, and everything I have comes from Him. But He is my Father and I am not an orphan, so I do not have to steal or work or beg. He gives, and I give what He gives.
I never need to take from anyone because in Him I have enough and I am enough. I love by giving. I live to give.
That’s why we, as people, even exist. Because God is a giving God. He loves. He gives. it’s who He is. God is love. And we were created that He might give of Himself completely, again and again. Love gives of itself because it does not need fear lack. We have rivers of living water flowing through us. We have the Holy Spirit. We will never run out. ”Freely you have received, freely give.” (Matthew 5:10)You are free to freely love.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Enfolded in His love
"Unfailing love enfolds him who trusts in the Lord." -Psalm 32:10
If those words say anything to me it's,
"Daughter, I've got you. I'm wrapping you up in more love than you can imagine if you'll just trust me."
Sometimes I really do feel like a little girl curled up in her father's lap. I'm protected and safe even when I forget I'm in the arms of the Almighty. Strange how our earthly minds can forget such a thing and worldly matters can consume. Father, help me to remember that I'm enfolded in your love, literally wrapped in it for safe keeping and I do not need to worry.
If those words say anything to me it's,
"Daughter, I've got you. I'm wrapping you up in more love than you can imagine if you'll just trust me."
Sometimes I really do feel like a little girl curled up in her father's lap. I'm protected and safe even when I forget I'm in the arms of the Almighty. Strange how our earthly minds can forget such a thing and worldly matters can consume. Father, help me to remember that I'm enfolded in your love, literally wrapped in it for safe keeping and I do not need to worry.
Monday, October 10, 2011
You intended to harm me..but
Where there were stains from my poor attempts to clean myself, Your blood covered all. I woke up the other day with an ear full from the devil. His best weapons loaded and launched from the moment my eyes fluttered open. I began to feel dirty, unworthy, not good enough. It was as if my past decisions had built some army and I was Pearl Harbor. I sat through my three hour upper-division social work class and the girl beside me kept asking if I were about to cry. I couldn't even look at her. I left and drove straight to my boyfriends house. I needed him to know everything. I needed him to know I'd dated the wrong guys before him and he definitely wasn't my first kiss. Being his first really serious girlfriend, the devil kept saying,
"It's too bad he waited all this time for this, you aren't exactly rapped in plastic off the shelf. You're used. You're never going to be on his level. You might as well get this over with. You'll be glad you ended things so early this time."
I sat across from him on his bed. I couldn't look at him. Instead I fixed my eyes on the different shades of blue strips that make up his bed spread. Once I'd finished explaining I waited to hear confirmation so I could leave and it could be over. I heard him clear his throat and say, "that's it?" and before he'd let me respond, he said with complete confidence, "I love you. Don't you dare let the devil get in your head like that again. Everything is fine, I'm not going anywhere."
All I could murmor was, "I was expecting you to make me feel bad, or dirty or something."
His reply was perfect. "You are clean and you know it." That was the end of the discussion.
I got baptized recently, and there was this divine moment right after. After I stepped out of the pool I had to go around the side of the building and come in by the bathrooms where my change of clothes were. As I left my family and friends briefly, I rounded the corner to the empty all hallway were Stephen had run to meet me. He wrapped me up in his arms (me soaking wet, him still dressed in his church attire) and told me how proud he was of me. I'd been waiting for a moment like that. Praying that such a moment existed for me. Where I felt renewed and on track with God's divine direction, and there dripping wet, I knew. So when he said, "You're clean and you know it." He meant it. He meant that I am washed by the blood, and there's not a stain left on me. I'm thankful for those words of life and for someone who never lets me forget them.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..." -Genesis 50:20
"It's too bad he waited all this time for this, you aren't exactly rapped in plastic off the shelf. You're used. You're never going to be on his level. You might as well get this over with. You'll be glad you ended things so early this time."
I sat across from him on his bed. I couldn't look at him. Instead I fixed my eyes on the different shades of blue strips that make up his bed spread. Once I'd finished explaining I waited to hear confirmation so I could leave and it could be over. I heard him clear his throat and say, "that's it?" and before he'd let me respond, he said with complete confidence, "I love you. Don't you dare let the devil get in your head like that again. Everything is fine, I'm not going anywhere."
All I could murmor was, "I was expecting you to make me feel bad, or dirty or something."
His reply was perfect. "You are clean and you know it." That was the end of the discussion.
I got baptized recently, and there was this divine moment right after. After I stepped out of the pool I had to go around the side of the building and come in by the bathrooms where my change of clothes were. As I left my family and friends briefly, I rounded the corner to the empty all hallway were Stephen had run to meet me. He wrapped me up in his arms (me soaking wet, him still dressed in his church attire) and told me how proud he was of me. I'd been waiting for a moment like that. Praying that such a moment existed for me. Where I felt renewed and on track with God's divine direction, and there dripping wet, I knew. So when he said, "You're clean and you know it." He meant it. He meant that I am washed by the blood, and there's not a stain left on me. I'm thankful for those words of life and for someone who never lets me forget them.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..." -Genesis 50:20
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Thankful for Him and him
"No human relation gives one possession in another… every two souls are absolutely different. In friendship or in love, the two side by side raise hands together to find what one cannot reach alone."
Khalil Gibran
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The extending tingle of a first kiss
I had an interesting dream the other night. I dreamt I was walking barefoot down a warm pavement path, I am not sure where I was but it looked an awful lot like a cemetery, except I don't remember seeing any actual graves. The air was thick from the heat of the sun that was nearly done setting. It seemed like only seconds before the beautiful shades of pink and orange that danced across the sky deepened to fierce shades of puffy black and gray. Somehow before I could understand the weather change, I found myself in the labor pains of a coming storm. Before my brain could tell my legs to run, I felt a sting of pain and a flash of light. I had somehow been struck by lightening and was laying face down on the now cold pavement. My lower body seemed paralyzed as I opened my eyes to assess the damage, I noticed a old newspaper on the ground next to me. To my surprise, my curiosity enabled my hands to reach out and grab it. As I opened the newspaper which, seemed to be from a few years back, old pictures of myself from high school fell out in slow motion as if they were suspended in the air just long enough for me to see my past swoosh by then they were gone and I woke up.
The morning after I had this dream I couldn't stop thinking about how vivid it all had been. Finally after a couple hours I decided to look up what it means to be struck by lightening in your dreams. I know, how original, however what I read, I found to be spot on, so I will share it with you. According to the dream translator, "to dream that you are struck by lightning, symbolizes irreversible changes occurring in your life. You are undergoing a permanent transformation."
This ladies and gentleman, is absolutely true of my life right now. The grace and renewal I've experienced over the last four months has been life transforming. The habits and memories I thought I could never rid my mind of seemed to flash past me as fast as the pictures in my dream and simply disintegrate. I finally feel as though fresh tracks have been laid for me and I've already boarded a new train that never takes me down the old roads I used to roam and that has been extraordinarily freeing. Walking in freedom has equipped me to take on the life God originally planned for me. Like a first kiss I can still feel the tingle of the unknown rising the hairs on my skin, but it the lack of fear has sent me shooting forward in faith. God's never left my side, and that, I have learned is always true.
The morning after I had this dream I couldn't stop thinking about how vivid it all had been. Finally after a couple hours I decided to look up what it means to be struck by lightening in your dreams. I know, how original, however what I read, I found to be spot on, so I will share it with you. According to the dream translator, "to dream that you are struck by lightning, symbolizes irreversible changes occurring in your life. You are undergoing a permanent transformation."
This ladies and gentleman, is absolutely true of my life right now. The grace and renewal I've experienced over the last four months has been life transforming. The habits and memories I thought I could never rid my mind of seemed to flash past me as fast as the pictures in my dream and simply disintegrate. I finally feel as though fresh tracks have been laid for me and I've already boarded a new train that never takes me down the old roads I used to roam and that has been extraordinarily freeing. Walking in freedom has equipped me to take on the life God originally planned for me. Like a first kiss I can still feel the tingle of the unknown rising the hairs on my skin, but it the lack of fear has sent me shooting forward in faith. God's never left my side, and that, I have learned is always true.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I am humbled indefinitely
Well friends, it's 3:36AM. I went to bed at 10:30PM and woke up a few minutes ago like I'd met my sleeping quota for a year. Wide awake is my current state, but not that miserable wide awake, I'm in this weird serene, rested confidence. I've been too busy to write or so I've been telling myself for the last three months. Apparently God has other plans, if the middle of the night is when He wants me to write, then so be it. Here's the deal, the girl inside me says, "tell them about your new man" but other than he is absolutely wonderful, I'm not entirely sure what I'm about to write. From the aspect of believer I ought to have known my expectations would be far surpassed and yet I could not have imagined feeling so graciously loved and so indubitably valued by another person.
The way he cares for me has taught me only a small ounce of the love of my Abba and everyday that I let Stephen love me, is another day I fall deeper in love with the original Lover of my soul. The way Stephen approaches life is unique in the sense that he sees it as a privilege to serve people. No matter what he's doing for me, he does it as though he couldn't be happier to get to be the guy who takes care of me. I've never had someone paint such a perfect picture of humble servant hood as much as just being around this boy has shown me.That's how I know things are different. I get the butterflies every time I'm reminded of how precious love is when it's done with the Lord as ground we walk on. Have there been times where things weren't perfect or easy, yes, but when your hearts are set on serving and others, somehow the rest just works itself out. I am humbled indefinitely by God's blessings and the reality of his goodness reflected all around me.
The way he cares for me has taught me only a small ounce of the love of my Abba and everyday that I let Stephen love me, is another day I fall deeper in love with the original Lover of my soul. The way Stephen approaches life is unique in the sense that he sees it as a privilege to serve people. No matter what he's doing for me, he does it as though he couldn't be happier to get to be the guy who takes care of me. I've never had someone paint such a perfect picture of humble servant hood as much as just being around this boy has shown me.That's how I know things are different. I get the butterflies every time I'm reminded of how precious love is when it's done with the Lord as ground we walk on. Have there been times where things weren't perfect or easy, yes, but when your hearts are set on serving and others, somehow the rest just works itself out. I am humbled indefinitely by God's blessings and the reality of his goodness reflected all around me.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Faithful One, You've overwhelmed my heart.
I've been resistant to blog this, but to my humble surprise somehow in the course of the last month I did in fact have the moment I had specifically asked God for. Never in my wildest dreams did I actually think it would happen, nor did I see it coming so soon. It was one of those nights where you know God is there because it's just too right, too simple, too beautiful to understand. This boy took what I knew of the dating game, and love and placed before me wholeness, holiness, grace, and a peaceful covering. He never once forced my love or fought my bucking resistance. He was sweet, confident and caring. He whispered words of life over me as I tried to convince him my baggage would be too much to carry, that my wounds were too deep to do this right.
"You're wrong," he told me. "God doesn't work that way. You will have a good life and those things you think make you wrong for this, are yours to drop whenever you want too. And when you're ready whether it's tomorrow or a year from now I will be waiting for you."
We were sitting on a park bench by a lake in my neighborhood. I remember as he spoke so close to my face that our foreheads were touching. He had me wrapped up in his arms and my legs were draped over his knees like a little girl. I felt so taken care of and yet so full of emotions that I had to close my eyes to sigh and before I could control it, a smile broke across my face. I sat speechless, "this guy," I remember thinking, "he's the one I've been waiting for."
Yes I realize I just revealed a very intimate moment that he and I shared but honestly I want other girls to understand that God has a way of mending years of unsureness, of cold walled up hearts and damaged mindsets in a matter of moments. It was not the fact the I have a new boyfriend that healed me, because I could have had a boyfriend a long time ago, it was coming to the conclusion that the love I thought I knew was not the same love that I was made for giving or receiving. It is genuine and honest and life giving and pure. It has no comparison or doubt. The Lord is forever faithful. Walk in that friends.
"You're wrong," he told me. "God doesn't work that way. You will have a good life and those things you think make you wrong for this, are yours to drop whenever you want too. And when you're ready whether it's tomorrow or a year from now I will be waiting for you."
We were sitting on a park bench by a lake in my neighborhood. I remember as he spoke so close to my face that our foreheads were touching. He had me wrapped up in his arms and my legs were draped over his knees like a little girl. I felt so taken care of and yet so full of emotions that I had to close my eyes to sigh and before I could control it, a smile broke across my face. I sat speechless, "this guy," I remember thinking, "he's the one I've been waiting for."
Yes I realize I just revealed a very intimate moment that he and I shared but honestly I want other girls to understand that God has a way of mending years of unsureness, of cold walled up hearts and damaged mindsets in a matter of moments. It was not the fact the I have a new boyfriend that healed me, because I could have had a boyfriend a long time ago, it was coming to the conclusion that the love I thought I knew was not the same love that I was made for giving or receiving. It is genuine and honest and life giving and pure. It has no comparison or doubt. The Lord is forever faithful. Walk in that friends.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
"Sho-mance" Please
I joke with my roommates about wanting a "Shoemaker Romance" because of (The Shoemakers) a couple I know of who met on a random isle in Life Way and got married four months later. They are the most in love people I've ever met, and their marriage radiates the Father like a flashing billboard. It struck me so much so, that it stripped my want for anything less than a love like theirs. Do I expect to actually meet my husband in Life Way, No. (Although if I do, it will be rather funny)Anyway, this is me documenting to all, that I have told God and I am special requesting a "Sho-mance" as I am going to dub it. Which means the it will go a little something like... Hi, I've been waiting for you, and in that moment I am absolutely positive I've found the one God has always meant for me.
Truthfully, it's probably not going to happen like that but as they say, "ask not and recieve not.." I met a girl tonight who said she met her husband when she was on a business trip with her mom in Nashville. She was from California so being in south was like a vacation and meeting her husband (a guy from Alabama) was the last thing she expected. Standing on a balcony over looking the hotel lobby from serveral floors up, she spotted a guy she thought was just too good looking so she rode the elevator down and walked through the lobby to see if he would notice her... he did. They stayed up all night talking and six months later they got engaged. Another "sho-mance"...I really hope my story is half that cool.
Truthfully, it's probably not going to happen like that but as they say, "ask not and recieve not.." I met a girl tonight who said she met her husband when she was on a business trip with her mom in Nashville. She was from California so being in south was like a vacation and meeting her husband (a guy from Alabama) was the last thing she expected. Standing on a balcony over looking the hotel lobby from serveral floors up, she spotted a guy she thought was just too good looking so she rode the elevator down and walked through the lobby to see if he would notice her... he did. They stayed up all night talking and six months later they got engaged. Another "sho-mance"...I really hope my story is half that cool.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
feeling a little naked
Sometimes the past still haunts you even when you think it can't. Today was one of those days, and as secretive as I'd prefer to be about it, I feel like God's been teaching about just being honest with myself. So today, I hurt just a little for reasons that are beyond me, but I refuse to look back even when the ache creeps back in. God is still stripping me down of everything that is not in His will and I feel naked at times from all that has disappeared. That's got to be a good thing though, right? Progress atleast, even if nothing else can be claimed. God, thank you even on days like today, because whether it hurts or not, I know you are here and moving and that is proof enough to believe better days are coming.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
There is a Harvest and it is for you.
Still haven't wanted to write much lately. It's almost as if making the transition to a more professional blogging state made it seem less fun and relaxing as it originally was for me. I think I could get to that place but I just haven't figured out the right formula just yet.
On a totally different note, I have a new thought, it's not totally original so don't give me too much credit. Let me explain it in "kendall terms". I had this misconception that everything you do that is "good" or "for God" should be done with the expectation of recieving nothing in return. I thought that you should just always live this sacrificing and servant life and if you aren't then you are selfish. Which is completely unrealistic to the average human being like myself and probably makes you feel like crap if you think too much. Here's the deal though, God is not like that. In Galatians 6:9 It says we will reap a harvest if we do not give up! Well, that tells me two important things: 1. There is a harvest 2. We are totally allowed to expect one.
You know, in my life, that changes things. God does not want us to end up sad, alone, and lacking. No, actually He wants us to love, share, be joyful in all situations (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) andddd reap a harvest. He wants us to prosper and, guess what?... We are allowed to want that as well(3 John 1:2). As long as we are living and trusting our lives with His will, there is no shame in being blessed. Funny how God is never the guy we make Him out to be, always cooler, always better, always beyond expectation.
On a totally different note, I have a new thought, it's not totally original so don't give me too much credit. Let me explain it in "kendall terms". I had this misconception that everything you do that is "good" or "for God" should be done with the expectation of recieving nothing in return. I thought that you should just always live this sacrificing and servant life and if you aren't then you are selfish. Which is completely unrealistic to the average human being like myself and probably makes you feel like crap if you think too much. Here's the deal though, God is not like that. In Galatians 6:9 It says we will reap a harvest if we do not give up! Well, that tells me two important things: 1. There is a harvest 2. We are totally allowed to expect one.
You know, in my life, that changes things. God does not want us to end up sad, alone, and lacking. No, actually He wants us to love, share, be joyful in all situations (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) andddd reap a harvest. He wants us to prosper and, guess what?... We are allowed to want that as well(3 John 1:2). As long as we are living and trusting our lives with His will, there is no shame in being blessed. Funny how God is never the guy we make Him out to be, always cooler, always better, always beyond expectation.
His Words..not mine
"He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters"
— 2 Samuel 22:17
— 2 Samuel 22:17
Friday, May 20, 2011
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