I Forget Too Often

"It was never a concept to believe or a thought to know, but it was a reality that I am loved and that You desire me. That when I ran and I lusted in Your name, You waited for me because You would not relent until you had all of me. My hands have bruised and destroyed while Your hands have healed and restored."

Mid-day Ramble

Had lunch with an old friend today. I enjoyed hearing how life was treating her, the good and the bad. She's one of those people that entrances you in conversations. She is always honest and so pure in heart that even as she tells me how her world has fallen apart, I couldn't help but admire her and the way she embraces life. I love that about her. She makes for a great friend.

On a side note, I haven't felt myself lately. Can't quite put my finger on it. Actually, that's a lie. I can. I just don't want too. Heather (the girl I just talked about) told me sometimes the only thing that made her feel better was when she got everything out. I know I need to do that but right now. I don't want too. Maybe I will one day soon, when it gets bad enough. You'd think I would know better by now than to let it get that way, but oh well.

The Dirt Behind the Decor

Haven't posted in a while.. I guess I've just been busy with work and school lately, not a whole lot of down time. I think I'm at a place where I'm letting go of stuff and for once that seems okay. I'm one of those people that can walk in my room and say trash or keep about everything..and the things I say keep too are few but carry some kind of importance to me. It's funny how we let certain "things"..tangible things, carry a moment or season where something happened to us, good and bad and we can't let that thing go.

Some of my things consist of old facebook pictures, actual photos, notes, cards, teddy bears..ect. I can't understand how these things can be so hard to get rid of. My latest baby step in that direction was deleting my facebook. Here you go guys, the truth about that is, I couldn't bring my self to get rid of certain pictures so I just got rid of all of it. Maybe I'll reactivate when I get some real courage.

A good friend said to me the other night, "Kendall I think it's time you just 'checked out' of that situation". She probably doesn't even remember saying that, but I haven't been able to forget it. I needed to start fresh with serveral things. One was my homebase.. aka my bedroom. It's my escape, but for a while it was my brightly colored prison. Everything about it held memories from the past people and moments.. some I don't want to keep anymore. So, I splurged and redecorated. New room, new memories, new start. I've already changed just about everything right down to the lamps, only thing left to do is a little paint on my furniture.

I chose neutral colors, for once. I had this theory growing up that if my room was bright happy colors, then, in turn, I would be bright and happy. I think my bright yellow bed spread got cried in more than any other so, scratch that theory. Yellow doesn't always fix a broken heart, or a broken family, or a betrayal of a friend. Now, my room, appropriately filled with browns and blues and pearl colored things, doesn't scream HEY BE HAPPY, they say,"you don't have to be happy about everything to be peaceful about everything."

I am slowly saying goodbye to a lot of things I have hopelessly held on too for far too long now. Erasing some deep scars I had too comfortably adapted to. Strange how we learn to deal with pain as if it is not better than being without it? Seems so illogical and yet we all do it, don't we? What have I got to lose at this point? If what I want is not tangible to me then accepting that or "checking out" in every sense is my best option. Boy am I ready for a new future. An unplanned by me completely God lead future. I'm sure it will be way better than what I planned and saw crash and burn.

He is Timeless

Today, I worked.. then came home for a few minutes before deciding that for once I wasn't going to make plans just because it's Friday. So, thinking about how I was going to spend my now available ME time.. I found myself driving to Barns & Noble. If you know me well enough this is like a favorite pass time of mine. I always spend my me time doing one of three things: going for long walks/jogs, reading in a place I know I don't typically run into friends, or I will going on a sporadic cleaning spree. All random but not unusual for me. I already knew when I got there exactly what I was going to pick up and spend the next few hours reading. I grabbed it, nabbed a cozy seat and flipped it open.

The book is called The Journals of Jim Elliot, yes if you read my last post you will quickly realize that Jim is the late husband of Elisabeth. Again, if you don't know who they are -- google them. Anyway, it's around 500 pages of his journals from his college years till his late twenties when he died. He was a holy man in his singlehood, a rightuous man in his marriage and noble man as he became a martyr by his death in the mission field. I absolutely love his and Elisabeth's story and reading it brings hope to anyone seeking the kingdom, willing to entrust their lives in the Lord's hands.

I've never been one to necessarily enjoy reading poetry but over time I've grown an appreciation for old english. Here is a poem that Jim had in one of his entries. I loved it.

"Say not my soul, 'from whence
Can God relieve my care?
Remember that omnipotence
Has servents everywhere.

God's help is always sure,
His method seldom guessed;
Delay will make our pleasure pure,
Surprise will give it zest.

His wisdom is sublime
His heart profoundly kind;
God is never before His time,
And is never behind.

Hast thou assumed a load,
Which few will share with thee,
And art thou carrying it for God,
And shall He fail to see?

Be comforted at heart,
Thou art not left alone
Now thou the Lord's companion art,
Soon thou shalt share His throne."
-Thomas T. Lynch

Elisabeth Elliot Quotes

A short explanation for this is that Elisabeth Elliot is my hero. She lived a very holy and honorable life, one which I have admired for several years now. If you don't know who she is -- Google her. :)

"The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. It may seem much worse, but in the end it's going to be a lot better, and a lot bigger."

"Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son and He will not necessarily protect us from anything it takes to make us more like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into that process"

"Let not your longings slay your appetite for living"

"Self-pity is a death that has no resurrection, a sinkhole from which no helping hand can drag you out, because you have chosen to sink."

Another woman I admire, Christa Black says,
"I can't change the weather, but I can change whether or not I am going to smile."

----Such a simple thought, but I love it. It will be found painted or posted somewhere in my future house, for sure.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time I laid eyes on the cutest boy I'd ever seen. He was shy and never said too much but he was charming in that way. He made me laugh I mean he knew how to REALLY make me laugh. I instantly loved everything about him. I couldn't wait to just be around him. For years we did everything together. I made him go shopping with me and watch dumb chick flicks. He would read me recruiting stats and we'd watch espn for hours or sit around just laughing about who knows what. I wanted whatever he wanted and he wanted whatever I wanted. It was intoxicating and overwhelming at times. I literally would come in from dates and would have to regulate my heart rate when I closed my front door. I couldn't even have a conversation without somehow inserting his name. He was my best friend and his presence made my life better.

Why am I telling you this? I promise I'm getting somewhere. While I am not still involved in this relationship, it clearly left a major imprint. One that I cannot forget or erase. I was physically and mentally changed, never to be the same. For a few short years I got a glimpse of a love that many people spend their whole lives searching for. With that said, is that not how God longs for us to feel about Him? Does He not want us to be so in love with Him that it's intoxicating, that we just want what He wants. That we can't talk without bringing Him up. That no matter what we are doing, we want Him to be a part of it. I believe that. I also believe that if a human relationship can be so altering on another human, then a relationship with the creator of all things should certainly leave an imprint, one so deep it can NEVER be forgotten or erased. How can you claim to have a relationship with Christ and not experience these things?

Oh how I love pianos