Well, here I am. Fingers lightly tapping over the keys wondering if being this honest with myself is going to be a good idea. I think it might be. What a scary place to be, it always seems alright to think things in your head but when they are out, able to be seen, read or heard.. I don't know.. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, scrunching my face, preparing to hurl myself into unknown self awareness. Lord, here we go.
I can't fight the urge to purge myself of myself these days. To give you a little background information.. I am going to be vage cause I'm not head deep yet. I have gotten strangely close to the Lord over the past year or so which in turn opened my eyes to just how incredibly human I am. I used to and still more often than I want to admit use 'being human' as an excuse to wallow in the junk of my life. I mean I..am..human so I'm supposed to have junk going on, why not wallow? Those are also the moments where I realize that my faith in my heavenly father sucks. I say I believe, I say I trust but when things start going bad or even really good, I retreat into a self pity that is quite ridiculous.
I have a bad habit giving God humanly emotions in my head, letting myself believe lies like, when something good happens to me that somehow it must be a test or that it's only a matter of time before something goes wrong, that there is no way I deserve to have such good things. LIE My God is not the God of confusion, He is not sitting up there messing with us like were a Sims video game. Gosh I let the enemy in so easily. Another lie I always believe is that things aren't going to be okay. I go into these modes where I somehow believe that the creater of ALL THINGS isn't big enough to get me through whatever it is I'm stuck in. Am I crazy? No, just human.
Each day I am learning though. I am only now beginning to understand what love is. I am only beginning to understand that there is nothing I can ever do to loose that love, which is the greatest love of all time. It's a concept that so many people just like me have a hard time excepting because they think God thinks the way we think. He doesn't. Not even close. If you are one of the lucky few who haven't had a day where they felt unloved, than this may not effect you but for one moment think about it...... really take this in..... You were never unloved, you were never given up on, you were always priceless and worthy, even the days you were a lone and used by other people, the Father of all mankind, of all the universe... loved YOU. Blows my mind because I have gotten so used to this world, so used to worldly love that I almost reject that kind of love. I don't know how to accept it, but one step at a time I am saying Lord, I know you love me and one day I hope I am able to love a fraction of the way you love. One foot in front of the other I'm running. Running away from this world into the supernatural love of my Savior.
I can't fight the urge to purge myself of myself these days. To give you a little background information.. I am going to be vage cause I'm not head deep yet. I have gotten strangely close to the Lord over the past year or so which in turn opened my eyes to just how incredibly human I am. I used to and still more often than I want to admit use 'being human' as an excuse to wallow in the junk of my life. I mean I..am..human so I'm supposed to have junk going on, why not wallow? Those are also the moments where I realize that my faith in my heavenly father sucks. I say I believe, I say I trust but when things start going bad or even really good, I retreat into a self pity that is quite ridiculous.
I have a bad habit giving God humanly emotions in my head, letting myself believe lies like, when something good happens to me that somehow it must be a test or that it's only a matter of time before something goes wrong, that there is no way I deserve to have such good things. LIE My God is not the God of confusion, He is not sitting up there messing with us like were a Sims video game. Gosh I let the enemy in so easily. Another lie I always believe is that things aren't going to be okay. I go into these modes where I somehow believe that the creater of ALL THINGS isn't big enough to get me through whatever it is I'm stuck in. Am I crazy? No, just human.
Each day I am learning though. I am only now beginning to understand what love is. I am only beginning to understand that there is nothing I can ever do to loose that love, which is the greatest love of all time. It's a concept that so many people just like me have a hard time excepting because they think God thinks the way we think. He doesn't. Not even close. If you are one of the lucky few who haven't had a day where they felt unloved, than this may not effect you but for one moment think about it...... really take this in..... You were never unloved, you were never given up on, you were always priceless and worthy, even the days you were a lone and used by other people, the Father of all mankind, of all the universe... loved YOU. Blows my mind because I have gotten so used to this world, so used to worldly love that I almost reject that kind of love. I don't know how to accept it, but one step at a time I am saying Lord, I know you love me and one day I hope I am able to love a fraction of the way you love. One foot in front of the other I'm running. Running away from this world into the supernatural love of my Savior.
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