in the wake of murdered plans

The right thing to do is to be quiet. Deal with your thoughts in secret. Telling people just makes you seem like you can't handle everything. It makes your faith look weak. Who wants to be that vulnerable? Not you. .....not me..

I am weak. My biggest flaw is doubt. I daily fight to conquer my fear that I've already had the best moments of my life and my future is only the after math. I have moments where I think I'm always going to be living in the wake of my murdered plans, what kind of life is that? It's partly true, because I am living in the wake of my dead plans, but it's a lie that I've already been as happy as I'll ever be. I am very capable of being happy. Most days I am smiling, confident and hopeful roughly 90% of the time. The other 10% I spend reminding myself 'you're better off this way, believe it.'

Behind my fluttering confidence is the phrase "thy will be done" because on the days I raise my white flag and admit some moments still come with a sting, I have to believe it's His will. I have to stand on those four words because there is nothing I know to be more suitable. Whether it's as easy as my best days or as gut wrenching as my worst if I can just speak those words, I know He hears me. He's walking with me step for step. He doesn't just love my smile, or the wrinkles I get around my eyes with I'm happy, He loves me with angry fists, He loves me with gray streams of shame flowing down my cheeks and defeat in my voice, He loves my hiccup sobs and my snotty nose when I'm crying so hard I can barly breathe. He doesn't love us any less in moments where we seem love ourselves less. He loves us. Period. Thy will be done.