48 hours afterwards impact

I'm planted on my laptop at the Starbucks on 31 in Hoover. It's a beautiful day so sitting at a small table outside in the sunshine and breeze is a must. I'm watching everyone drive by as they always do. Still speeding, still cutting people off, still so concerned with the unnecessary hustle and bustle of life. I have not returned to such a state yet after Wednesday's tornado experience. In the moment we were so unconcerned, but walking through the waste of what was left has left an unforgettable movie of devastation in my mind. Unspeakably bad. No words or pictures will ever do justice to what we saw, but above is a glimpse of what we were walking through.

It does something to you. Not in a bad way, but in a strange way. I got a very real wake up call to how much my life is not in my own hands. It never has been. What will come, will come. You could call this a disaster, as it appears, or you could call it an awakening, a cleansing, a new beginning. I spent 48 hours with no power, no Internet and no phone service. We walked miles and miles, and you know what? We were just fine. In fact, I met more people in those 48 hours than I've met in years, I prayed with more people, noticed things, and felt the strangest feeling that this was not an end but a way to shake the scales from a lot of eyes. Maybe the best way to wake up a dying city, is just to shake it up enough to remind it that it's still very much alive. People were alive. Not only that, they were actually living as the hands and feet of Jesus even when they weren't aware of it, running to help anywhere they could.

Hope was flowing like a river, the ones with their eyes open, saw it everywhere. The shadows prove there is sunshine friends.

You speak to storms

What if you could always turn your fear to joy? That'd be nice. Surely, there is a button I can press or a quote I can read.

No?

Well, what about a book, or a movie, maybe even a podcast! That should do it!

No?

What is it then? What is it that has torn the misery away and made me so hopeful, so peaceful, and actually thriving for life again?

Here's the truth, I didn't do anything, I didn't blare worship music to numb my thoughts, I didn't read another chapter of my latest Elisabeth Elliot book or fill my bestfriend's ear full of questions. No, it was a typical morning when I was driving to class, in silence when I just spoke the words out loud. I'm not even sure what came over me but it felt good to finally say it so simply,

"I need You today. I don't know what that means, but You do and I need You."

I felt my eyes filling like buckets about to spill over. I haven't been able to cry in a long time. I didn't need to explain myself, or rationalize what is in my best interest, I just asked and things changed. My thoughts changed, my hope changed, and finally my vigor for life has began to flow again right along side of my tears. It's strange how people can get to such a hopeless state. I had always considered myself an optimist, how did someone like me find myself drowning in doubt? It can happen to anyone. The trick is getting out. It's simple, you just ask. For many who have over thought it, the asking is too simple an answer for their complex circumstances. We want God to send us a letter personally explaining the state we are in or have Him connect the next dot for us on a map so we can feel secure. Even the disciples found themselves in a frenzy from time to time, like in Mark when they're on the boat in the storm and Jesus is asleep down stairs. Panicked they run down and wake Jesus up saying, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?!" (Mark 4:38)

I feel like I've said the same thing. You always want to think you'd be the one who says "No guys, it'll be fine, I'm not worried" but there I was, twenty one and on my knees saying "I'm drowning, I need You." That's all He wants though and BAM the storm stopped raging. Amazing.

Confessions of a Blog Believer

So, I'm doing the very very very beginning ground work on my monster size dream of launching this site. I have already bought the domain name and my dad has given it a back office on a separate host site. The more I research the more intimidating it gets, but I am a determined little one and even with the realization of this project's difficulty level, I refuse to let it change my mind. By golly, I am going to do it.

I am still in the finding the right layout stage, I know what I want, but finding it amongst the thousands out there is harder that I would have thought. Designing it will be even trickier since I'm an amateur and I will literally have to do the in depth coding and linking and such myself. Which is a major task, but with summer only days away I'm itching to learn and teach myself.

The details will have to be worked out as I go, right now it's about finding the skeleton. The rest will come, the planning will be fun and doing it will be even more exciting. Moving a right a long, one baby step at a time.

Something to be excited about

Do dreams come true? Depends on the dreamer in my opinion. For the last five or six months I've been on some weird slump where I all my dreams seemed shattered and my favorite miserable thing to do was stare at all the pieces. Yeah, depressing, I know. BUT I have rebounded back to my old self driven, determined mindset and I'm ready to rock and roll.

I've been playing with the idea of launching my own website separate from my blog. Honestly, I have been testing myself to see if I can truly dedicate my time to such a task and after this year's consistency, I've finally cranked myself into high gear, ready to make the next appropriate move. I've been doing secret research on the "ins and outs" of web building and what it takes to actually bring in a reliable crowd. The more I think about it the more I get excited. I've found several examples that I plan to base my layout on and the rest will come from my absurd thoughts..Yes, I get to finally put them to use!

I have decided on a domain name and I am in the process of purchasing it as we speak. Hopefully I'll be starting the building process on wordpress within the next couple days. I've got a lot of tactics to read more into and a lot of article planning to do but I am extremely excited about spending my summer really getting all the bare bones in place.

I am not revealing any details, themes, or ideas about it yet because, well, that'd be no fun. I will be blogging as I go about the proceedings and potentially asking for further ideas so stay tuned. The future is as bright as you want it to be and as my title states, the shadows prove there is sunshine, and I'm ready for some heat. I've been laying in the shadows for too long.

In a listing mood..

I am going to do something different, I am going to make a bucket list. Ready? Okay good here we go..(first few will be generic)
1. Graduate from UA (sounds normal but I have been over school since sophomore year, so it will be a mile marker for sure when I finally get done.)
2. Find a job that is only fun because I'm young and be excellent at it.
3. Eventually have a blog that brings in money even if it's just money I put into savings seperate from my income.
4. Publish something outside of the internet.
5. Have a craft room in my house after I get married where I can retreat for a few hours while the hubby watches sports or spends time with the boys
6. Play tennis in a league when I'm older (Ok, it'll probably be a mom league since I'm terrible but I think it's be fun if I stayed consistant)
7. Actually do 10 of my most favorite DIY projects (hmm that sounds like a fun post for later)
8. Run a half marathon and then perhaps a whole one if I can work up the determination -subpoint: run a half somewhere really fun and unusual TBA
9. Fly in a helicoptor over a waterfall.. (I have dreamed about doing this for years now)
10. visit Niagra Falls, The Grand Canyon, and Australia,
11. Raise a dog from puppy days til death.
12. Buy a car I would actually want to drive.
13. Own a house that I can love for years and years and years.

Jesus doesn't studder

"Jesus' word remain or abide (in Him, in His love), repeated ten times in John 15, means being at home in Him, living constantly in His presence and in harmony with His will."

Well, to continue my Elliot theme, I have yet another quote that I wanted to share. I have been meaning to read John 15 for weeks now and for some reason, I hadn't until today. If you haven't read it, no, actually even if you have read it lately, get your bible out and read it again. When Jesus repeats things, it's not because the man had a studder, it's because whatever it is, is very important.

(My secret theory is that He knew people, like myself, with ADD would need it repeated multiple times before it finally sinks in.)

Like a broken record His voice answers my never ending questions and thoughts,

I'm worried..
"Abide in Me."

I don't know what I'm doing..
"Abide in my word"

But how is this going to work?
"Kendall, remain in me and I'll remain in you."

That's it?
"When you obey me, you remain in my love, where my love is, my joy is also."
ohh..

Those old words

"He who had led will lead
All through the wilderness
He who hath fed, will surely feed
He who had heard thy cry
Will never close His ear
He who hath marked thy faintest sigh
will not forget thy tears
He loveth always, faileth never
So rest on Him Today-forever"
-Amy Carmichael

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

"I won't break a promise" -God

I've been thinking about what I taught my little girls on Wednesday night a lot. It was on God promising Abraham and Sarah a child, not only that, but that he will be the father to millions of people and many nations and kings. As the story goes for those who need refreshing, God makes this promise to Abraham and many years go by. In fact He and Sarah realize that Sarah is barren and that having a child looks impossible. So, at eighty years old Abraham fathers a child with Sarah's servant. This child is what will later lead to all the Middle Eastern countries (crazy). Anyway, twenty years later, when Abraham is breaching a hundred years old, God comes to him and lets him know that the covenant they made still stands true and that he and Sarah will have their own child within a year. They do and this child's lineage is exactly as God promised.

For me, this is a story that I've heard over and over since I was a kid, never once has it moved me or made me come to any real revelation, that is, until I had to teach it. I actually got choked up talking to them, explaining that I have felt the way Abraham probably felt all those years ago. I have and still am in a situation where I sit sometimes and say, "God, I don't know how you're going to work this one out. It looks impossible, not to mention I tried to fix it myself and now I've messed it up too bad. I've ruined it." It looked like since Sarah was barren and that they were old that having a natural child was impossible. It looked like God hadn't kept His promise, after all, why had He let them get so old? It didn't make sense. So, they took it into their own hands giving Abraham the servant to have a child with. Now they have this child, but not from Sarah. It looks like they have messed everything up. In a human mind, our thought process is, "I've messed up, I don't deserve to have God come through. I don't deserve to have Him keep His promise, not now. I should have trusted Him, how will I ever be worthy again of that promise?"

God's a nice guy though. He shows up twenty years after Abraham had taken the situation into his own hands and says, "Hey, remember that time I made a promise to you, I meant it. You're still going to have that son. No, I don't care that you took it into your own hands. You see, you may break promises, but I don't, ever."

I have to smile at the thought. So often to we come to a place where it looks as though God hasn't come through, in our minds it's too late and the situation has become impossible, so we take it into our own hands. Then, when it crumbles into a thousand pieces we wonder how we'll ever pick up that many pieces and put them back together again. I know I've been there and will come there again, but God doesn't break promises. He doesn't. He's never late. He doesn't forget and He doesn't need us to put the broken pieces back together to make everything work out. He is the Creator and He always has something for us if we'd just relinquish the hold we have on our failures. It's His joy to redeem and give. Even when it seems impossible, God has the ability to make a way if we'll just trust. If we'll just place the pieces in His hands and believe He'll make beautiful things out of dust. Trust that His will is better, His timing is better, and His way is beyond a shadow of a doubt, better.

A waviering step

Every time I've tried to write lately, I've been so honest that often the words I've written I don't even want to read, too personal, too much blood from too deep. So, I've decided to leave them as drafts, to come back to later. Uncertainty, friends, is a murderer. It sneaks in when while your life is busy and cuts you deep in your most tender spots when you're alone. I found myself in the middle of good times, somehow dying on the inside with unresolved plans and unanswered questions. Where to next? Am I doing everything I'm supposed to? Am I being a good enough friend? Am I supposed to just be a social worker? Am I supposed to move back to Birmingham after graduation? What if I decided to switch jobs, can I be as successful as I think I'll be? Will lack of money be the straw that breaks the camel's back before I even get started? The questions could go on for days. I don't very often let anyone know that I think so much. People say it's always better to keep your mouth shut, and so, I do almost always these days.

In the midst of many emotions last night, I sat on my couch in tears, wondering if I'd made all the right decisions, wondering about people I may have hurt without realizing it, and how I have no words or place to even say anything. Do I know everything will be alright? Yes. Did it feel alright last night? No. I do not like conflict, and the tension from it is enough to drive me crazy. I'm a peace maker, a problem solver and an issue addressee. So, coming to the conclusion that doing nothing is the answer was a tough bullet to bite. Why am I going to do nothing? Quite frankly, that's the only peace I got after I prayed about it. So, that was yesterday, this is today. I am leaving my hand on the plow and not looking back. Father, give me love so that I may not waiver in step. Your light is only thing that guides my way.

Quote of the week

"The disposition to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even existence of the life of self." -T.C. Upham

Fun enough?

This weekend I came to self revelation. I've had this inner battle going on for, well, years now. It's this battle of whether I am fun enough. I know it sounds ridiculous and dumb, but let me explain. At the very core of me, I am a home body. I love a good laugh, and having fun with my friends (who doesn't?), but at the end of every day including the weekends, I just want to come home and relax. On the flip side, I don't like coming home to an empty house or these days an empty apartment. There is nothing I seem to love more from memories or current moments then walking in and plopping on the couch with a bestfriend. As much of a planner as I am, my most treasured moments are those where nothing really happened other than a great conversation or the uncontrollable laugh that hurts your cheek muscles later.

To explain how I came to this thought let me explain the situation that lead me there. I was discussing with a friend about people going to a bar to hear another friend play and sing. I immediately thought, "Nope not going, no exceptions, you can drop me off at home." The decision was made without a second thought. The intentions behind the decision was what kept me quiet the whole trip home. You see, I didn't say no because of guilt from being a leader in a ministry, I didn't say no because I just wasn't in the mood, and I didn't say no because I was 'just tired'. The truth is, I don't like going out. Whether morals play into it or not, it's just never been my scene. Does that make me lame? Not fun? Maybe. Either way, that's who I am. I'm a craft making, board game playing, movie watching, blogging 21 year old. My roommates occasionally walk in on me making random crafts in the den listening to oldies. I have read more books in the last four years than in my whole life combined. Do I love hosting events and talking to people, absolutely, but when it's over it's time to go home and get away I am more than ready. I always think as I leave that I've lost some kind of playful fun spirit, but truthfully, I've always been that way and now that I'm older, it's not so strange. Fun to me means good times with a small circle of people, whether it's my roommates, my bestfriends, or my future spouse and our life and that is totally okay. If I'm trying to be fun for anyone else, then there is something wrong.