It'd be neat if...

Dear Blogspot,

You would be much cooler if you would let me post youtube videos. Work on that.

Thanks,
blogger

Fear is a choice

When we give room to fear;
when we speak it,
when we let it slide it's tongue around our ear,
when we indulge in it, claim it for truth,
replace our confidence, joy and love with it,
eventually we will become what we are afraid we will become.

If we are condemned, it is always because we condemned ourselves.

Quote of the week

"One reason we are so harried and hurried is that we make yesterday and tomorrow our business, when all that legitimately concerns us is today. If we really have too much to do, there are some items on the agenda which God did not put there. Let us submit the list to Him and ask Him to indicate which items we must delete. There is always time to do the will of God. If we are too busy to do that, we are too busy."

-Elisabeth Elliot

This closet is AWESOME

how I debrief my craziness

Things that make me feel better no matter what:

1)Blogging -when I have too many things going on in my head
2)Cleaning - when my life feels like chaos, organizing something, anything, helps
3)Running - when I'm frustrated or upset and there is nothing I can do
4)Praying - usually while doing one of the above
5)Crying - when all of the above are not options and praying is too hard

shabby rooms I love

kitchen spaces I love

So True

Bad day

What an awful day. So many things went wrong in such a small period of time. Somehow I found myself missing work sitting in my broken down car just crying while hundreds of dollars are getting charged to my student account because I forgot to return my books yesterday. Yeah, one of those days and those were only a few of the things, the rest are a bit too personal to touch on. I hate crying. I used to cry a lot in high school but in college, not so much. My skin has gotten a lot thicker since then and I have gotten unbelievably good at holding stuff in and walking with my head up. Today, on the other hand, I felt completely defeated. Not only that, I felt like nothing I did could help me win, as if my fate was always to lose. And that's coming from Ms. Optimistic so you know it was rough. I always see the brighter side, but today I just needed to wallow in my misery for a little while and accept that sometimes I cannot conquer the world by myself. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. I've just got to keep telling myself that, but goodness today sucked.

"It's okay to cry..... it's okay to cry. Take a deep breath. You're allowed to get upset. Stop trying to pretend it's okay. It doesn't have to always be okay. You will be fine."

Frustrated

I've got to get organized or I will literally go crazy. Just needed to get that out. Today, I forgot something really important... I NEVER do that. What is wrong with me?

For you, My Daughter

"My love, I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you my faithfulness, my gentleness, and my self-control. Then, you will need no other.

Daughter, I want you to allow me to be enough. You must keep your eyes on me, expecting the greatest and the best things from me. Keep experiencing the satisfaction of knowing that I Am and that you are my child. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. Stay close by my side. Seek my face in the morning, my presence throughout the day, and my comfort at night. I am always there Daughter. I will never leave you nor forsake you. But, you must wait. Don't be anxious. Do not get in a hurry. Don't look around and fear or envy the things other have recieved from me. YOU must keep from looking off or away. Look up to me or you'll miss the things I want to show you, and then, when you are read, I'll give you the desires I have put in your heart, the strength to endure all things, and the courage to risk your heart. You see, untill you are ready and the one I have for you is ready.. I am working even this minute to have you both ready at the same time when you are both willing to live, however imperfectly, a relationship that reflects me.

First give me time to heal your wounds, console your heartaches, and ease your disappointments. Find me time to erase the painful memories of the past. Give me time to heal you and make you whole and complete in me. I want you to experience real 'agape' love - not the selfish, false love of the world. I want you to learn love that is patient and always kind. Love that knows no envy and is never boastful or proud. Love that is never rude or self-seeking. Love that is not easily angered or keeps a record of wrong. Love that does not delight in evil but instead rejoices in truth. The love I want for you, Daughter, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres, never fails. Because this love is of the spirit and not of the flesh, it's natural fruit is joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I cannot give this love to you in or even through another except dimly and then only in a limited capacity - for all fall short. This perfect love, Daughter, can only be found in me.

Let my perfect love flow from you and spill over to all you touch. Be not concerned with yourself, you are my responsibility. I will change you often without you even knowing it. Take your eyes off yourself, look only to me, I lead, I change, I create, but only when you are not striving. You are mine; let me have the joy of making you into my image - only I can do this. Above all else, look to me and me only, never to yourself and never to others. Do not struggle, relax and trust my love. I know what is best and will do it in and through you if you'll let me. Stop trying to become and let me transform you within. I love you Daughter.Will you let my love be enough?"
-Jesus

Yesterday's Why

So, usually when I feel confused or unsure about things, I don't necessarily get an answer back and if I do, it's typically a while down the road, when I have a "ohhh that's why that happened" moment. If you read my other posts lately this will make a lot more sense to you than if you haven't.

Tonight, in the middle of worship I suppose I was somewhere else in my mind. You can call it day dreaming but it was more like a daze. I do it often, but usually I don't think about anything. I began seeing myself locked up in a castle. Not in a dungeon but in a beautiful room with beautiful things. And almost as if we were sitting talking, a warm voice said,

"I've tucked you away for safe keeping. You had gotten too caught in the flow of life that you forgot what it's like to be alone with me and I need you to be here. Right here where I have you. Because it is here that I will whisper how I love you. It is here that I will hold your hand and make you feel holy and make you understand why the world feels like it's moving along without you. You see, I have not made you as a part of this world and I never want you to feel as though you belong in the flow of it. You will always be a rouge wave. I have made you as such. And here, in this time alone with me I will make you ready. I am preparing you. These walls are no longer yours to build, but mine to guard and keep the enemy from you. I am with you always my darling. We will do this together."

My Shepherd, My Beloved

I'm wrestling Jesus. Break my defenses. I try to do so much without You. I build my walls strong and thick. No one gets in unless they know how to dig deep under my foundation. I built these walls hoping that I could keep any more hurt far away. I keep watchmen atop my walls waiting to speak sarcasm and anger at anyone who dares come too close. Still, You've been teaching me things lately, at night when I sleep and even in my day dreams. Those are the only moments when my walls can be walked through. You sneak in and even in my resistance I am so glad You are there. You bring restoration. You bring fresh air and a calm warm breezes that tickle my skin, a sensation I haven't felt in a long time. You see past the walls and shields to my fragile state. You don't make me lift my hands or even my head, instead You curl up beside me and keep time with the rhythm of my breath till its slow and peaceful. You let me melt into you because it warms my soul and cracks my barriors. The process is long, but You assure me that You're not going anywhere. I've gotten good at not needing You, but You come for me anyway. You will never stop to rescuing me. Your bride. I am Yours. Help me to remember that. I love You.

But it's on it's way. I am trusting in that.

Through a cracked heart, truth seeps

The strange thing about life is the way it changes directions, the way it moves, flows, goes fast then slow and up then down. Sometimes though, you can feel like everything and everyone around you is moving and somehow you are left a motionless mass, not even in the drift, just among other objects taking up space. It's an unusual place, that can seem frightening if you choose to imagine the momentum of life catching up with you. Something, that my little analytical mind has definitely tried a time or two.

There is an unruly tension that comes when you are in a state of stillness. Like when someone tells you not to move and suddenly all you want to do is run, jump or even just scratch that itch on your left shoulder. Anything to keep from being in this frozen state. The tension is powerful and it tells you it's okay to flinch, or make small movements as a release, as long as no one see or notices. It's like you never even moved. I feel futile, anxious, and sometimes scared. This state of unknown, this place of what should probably be rest, has left me nothing but restless. I can only pray for perseverance. Whatever I need to carry, I am willing. I'm just tried of standing. Thy will be done.

Happy Family Season

Now that I'm a junior in college, I finally got out of that stage of itching to be on my own. I have basically established myself and don't rely on my parents, which has surprisingly changed how I looked at my parents. When you realize all that they did for you, all that they paid for, all that they hurt for so you could have more, how you feel about them changes. My freshman year I think I went home maybe twice a semester. This Semester alone I've gone home at least twice a month, sometimes more. I miss them. I miss home. I miss family. This is the first Christmas I've actually felt like my family was the most important thing about the Christmas season. I look forward to spending time with my mom and playing tennis with my dad and getting to go to church as a family on Sundays. It's nice to understand what for once what growing up really means. I used to think, "gosh I can't wait to 'grow up' and get out of here." Now, I think "man I'm kind of grown up, I miss being at home."

It's funny how things change.

Gordon Family, I love you.

Once again, here I am procrastinating.. in my own defense I think I do my best work under pressure. My grades on my recent papers have proven that to be true so, for now, I will bank on that. (It's 9:30 PM and I have a paper due as my final in a class at 8:00AM.. should make for quite a thrill)

Anyway. My bestfriend just found out that her sister's cancer is back for the third time. Both girls could be put in the most beautiful girls I've ever met category. Actually, I adore that whole family. Though I've only been close to Tori for about a year, whatever we have could very well be classified as rare and unique because of how honest we are with eachother. In girl world, we have a lot of 'best friends' so when I call Tori that I want you to understand, she is one of the few exceptions. She is the real deal. I could murder someone and she would be the first person I'd run too bloody hands and all because I know she'd stand by me at my worst. (That was an extreme example, but you get the picture.) So, with all that said, hearing about her sister today made me sick to my stomach.

In moments like that you can have hundred people write on your Facebook wall, another hundred text you uplifting bible verses and fifty more mail you sympathy letters, but Anna is still sick and at the end of the day it still sucks. It's hard to walk next to someone whose burden is so heavy the ground might as well shake when they walk. There are no words. Only prayers, true ones said on your knees, in your secret place, or all throughout the day if you're that kind of prayer warrior. Too many people throw around, "I'll be praying for you.." when bad things happen to good people, but it means nothing unless someone is actually doing it.

So, this is me asking you personally to join me and the many others in this battle for Anna. If you are a prayer warrior, pray for the Gordons. Please.

"I don't break promises"-God

I heard a good friend speak on 1 Kings 18 a couple weeks ago. It's about Elijah and proving that God Almighty is the one true God over the false god Baal. In order to prove this Elijah has the people of Baal build an alter of wood on Mount Carmel. Then, Elijah does the same. Whichever God can light the alter on fire will prove true. He lets the people of Baal do whatever they need to do to get Baal to send fire. Nothing. When it is Elijah's turn, he orders that there be four large jars of water poured over the alter. Then, he orders that they do it three more times, soaking the alter completely before he calls on the Lord, who quickly sends fire which ignites the alter and soaks up the water from the ground up.

What is it about this story that I can't stop thinking about? The damp wood. Elijah soaked the wood before he asked God to send fire, but why? The logic behind it says Elijah knew and believed beyond a shadow of doubt that God was going to send fire to the alter whether it was dry or wet. So, by soaking the wood it proved that Elijah was willing to give up any type of control, advantage or doubt that God was going to do what He said He was going to do.

That speaks to me. Everyday since I heard this word I could just feel God saying,

"Kendall are you letting your life be damp wood?"

"Do you not trust me?"

"Are you still not willing to give me control?"

And my answer... "I know, but I'm so scared."

His reply?

"I don't break promises."

Even when I run, You infinitely reach

Lately, I've been fighting this insane internal battle that I haven't wanted to talk about because I hadn't figured it all out and that scared me. I'm an all or nothing, trust you or completely don't, love you or don't care for you kind of girl, but these past few weeks I've been walking a gray line about a lot of things and it was making me question myself more than I ever like to show. Fortunately, today was different. Today I felt the hope and peace and comfort that most days I just wear like an old t-shirt but never feel further than my etched on smile and dry winter skin. It makes for a good cover but not for any real resolve. It's not like getting dressed in the morning. You can't just put those feelings on and always have them sink deep into your bones. I try. I play the part well in fact. I'm not sure what is so different about today, but it felt new when I woke up. Fresh. Whatever I was walking through is starting to lift and it feels good. Jesus, you feel good on me. I'm sorry I run when I get nervous. I think fear of embrace is far more frightening sometimes than the actual embrace of whatever it is that you are afraid of. Atleast that's how it is in my life.