It'd be neat if...

Dear Blogspot,

You would be much cooler if you would let me post youtube videos. Work on that.

Thanks,
blogger

Fear is a choice

When we give room to fear;
when we speak it,
when we let it slide it's tongue around our ear,
when we indulge in it, claim it for truth,
replace our confidence, joy and love with it,
eventually we will become what we are afraid we will become.

If we are condemned, it is always because we condemned ourselves.

Quote of the week

"One reason we are so harried and hurried is that we make yesterday and tomorrow our business, when all that legitimately concerns us is today. If we really have too much to do, there are some items on the agenda which God did not put there. Let us submit the list to Him and ask Him to indicate which items we must delete. There is always time to do the will of God. If we are too busy to do that, we are too busy."

-Elisabeth Elliot

This closet is AWESOME

how I debrief my craziness

Things that make me feel better no matter what:

1)Blogging -when I have too many things going on in my head
2)Cleaning - when my life feels like chaos, organizing something, anything, helps
3)Running - when I'm frustrated or upset and there is nothing I can do
4)Praying - usually while doing one of the above
5)Crying - when all of the above are not options and praying is too hard

shabby rooms I love

kitchen spaces I love

So True

Bad day

What an awful day. So many things went wrong in such a small period of time. Somehow I found myself missing work sitting in my broken down car just crying while hundreds of dollars are getting charged to my student account because I forgot to return my books yesterday. Yeah, one of those days and those were only a few of the things, the rest are a bit too personal to touch on. I hate crying. I used to cry a lot in high school but in college, not so much. My skin has gotten a lot thicker since then and I have gotten unbelievably good at holding stuff in and walking with my head up. Today, on the other hand, I felt completely defeated. Not only that, I felt like nothing I did could help me win, as if my fate was always to lose. And that's coming from Ms. Optimistic so you know it was rough. I always see the brighter side, but today I just needed to wallow in my misery for a little while and accept that sometimes I cannot conquer the world by myself. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. I've just got to keep telling myself that, but goodness today sucked.

"It's okay to cry..... it's okay to cry. Take a deep breath. You're allowed to get upset. Stop trying to pretend it's okay. It doesn't have to always be okay. You will be fine."

Frustrated

I've got to get organized or I will literally go crazy. Just needed to get that out. Today, I forgot something really important... I NEVER do that. What is wrong with me?

For you, My Daughter

"My love, I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you my faithfulness, my gentleness, and my self-control. Then, you will need no other.

Daughter, I want you to allow me to be enough. You must keep your eyes on me, expecting the greatest and the best things from me. Keep experiencing the satisfaction of knowing that I Am and that you are my child. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. Stay close by my side. Seek my face in the morning, my presence throughout the day, and my comfort at night. I am always there Daughter. I will never leave you nor forsake you. But, you must wait. Don't be anxious. Do not get in a hurry. Don't look around and fear or envy the things other have recieved from me. YOU must keep from looking off or away. Look up to me or you'll miss the things I want to show you, and then, when you are read, I'll give you the desires I have put in your heart, the strength to endure all things, and the courage to risk your heart. You see, untill you are ready and the one I have for you is ready.. I am working even this minute to have you both ready at the same time when you are both willing to live, however imperfectly, a relationship that reflects me.

First give me time to heal your wounds, console your heartaches, and ease your disappointments. Find me time to erase the painful memories of the past. Give me time to heal you and make you whole and complete in me. I want you to experience real 'agape' love - not the selfish, false love of the world. I want you to learn love that is patient and always kind. Love that knows no envy and is never boastful or proud. Love that is never rude or self-seeking. Love that is not easily angered or keeps a record of wrong. Love that does not delight in evil but instead rejoices in truth. The love I want for you, Daughter, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres, never fails. Because this love is of the spirit and not of the flesh, it's natural fruit is joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I cannot give this love to you in or even through another except dimly and then only in a limited capacity - for all fall short. This perfect love, Daughter, can only be found in me.

Let my perfect love flow from you and spill over to all you touch. Be not concerned with yourself, you are my responsibility. I will change you often without you even knowing it. Take your eyes off yourself, look only to me, I lead, I change, I create, but only when you are not striving. You are mine; let me have the joy of making you into my image - only I can do this. Above all else, look to me and me only, never to yourself and never to others. Do not struggle, relax and trust my love. I know what is best and will do it in and through you if you'll let me. Stop trying to become and let me transform you within. I love you Daughter.Will you let my love be enough?"
-Jesus

Yesterday's Why

So, usually when I feel confused or unsure about things, I don't necessarily get an answer back and if I do, it's typically a while down the road, when I have a "ohhh that's why that happened" moment. If you read my other posts lately this will make a lot more sense to you than if you haven't.

Tonight, in the middle of worship I suppose I was somewhere else in my mind. You can call it day dreaming but it was more like a daze. I do it often, but usually I don't think about anything. I began seeing myself locked up in a castle. Not in a dungeon but in a beautiful room with beautiful things. And almost as if we were sitting talking, a warm voice said,

"I've tucked you away for safe keeping. You had gotten too caught in the flow of life that you forgot what it's like to be alone with me and I need you to be here. Right here where I have you. Because it is here that I will whisper how I love you. It is here that I will hold your hand and make you feel holy and make you understand why the world feels like it's moving along without you. You see, I have not made you as a part of this world and I never want you to feel as though you belong in the flow of it. You will always be a rouge wave. I have made you as such. And here, in this time alone with me I will make you ready. I am preparing you. These walls are no longer yours to build, but mine to guard and keep the enemy from you. I am with you always my darling. We will do this together."

My Shepherd, My Beloved

I'm wrestling Jesus. Break my defenses. I try to do so much without You. I build my walls strong and thick. No one gets in unless they know how to dig deep under my foundation. I built these walls hoping that I could keep any more hurt far away. I keep watchmen atop my walls waiting to speak sarcasm and anger at anyone who dares come too close. Still, You've been teaching me things lately, at night when I sleep and even in my day dreams. Those are the only moments when my walls can be walked through. You sneak in and even in my resistance I am so glad You are there. You bring restoration. You bring fresh air and a calm warm breezes that tickle my skin, a sensation I haven't felt in a long time. You see past the walls and shields to my fragile state. You don't make me lift my hands or even my head, instead You curl up beside me and keep time with the rhythm of my breath till its slow and peaceful. You let me melt into you because it warms my soul and cracks my barriors. The process is long, but You assure me that You're not going anywhere. I've gotten good at not needing You, but You come for me anyway. You will never stop to rescuing me. Your bride. I am Yours. Help me to remember that. I love You.

But it's on it's way. I am trusting in that.

Through a cracked heart, truth seeps

The strange thing about life is the way it changes directions, the way it moves, flows, goes fast then slow and up then down. Sometimes though, you can feel like everything and everyone around you is moving and somehow you are left a motionless mass, not even in the drift, just among other objects taking up space. It's an unusual place, that can seem frightening if you choose to imagine the momentum of life catching up with you. Something, that my little analytical mind has definitely tried a time or two.

There is an unruly tension that comes when you are in a state of stillness. Like when someone tells you not to move and suddenly all you want to do is run, jump or even just scratch that itch on your left shoulder. Anything to keep from being in this frozen state. The tension is powerful and it tells you it's okay to flinch, or make small movements as a release, as long as no one see or notices. It's like you never even moved. I feel futile, anxious, and sometimes scared. This state of unknown, this place of what should probably be rest, has left me nothing but restless. I can only pray for perseverance. Whatever I need to carry, I am willing. I'm just tried of standing. Thy will be done.

Happy Family Season

Now that I'm a junior in college, I finally got out of that stage of itching to be on my own. I have basically established myself and don't rely on my parents, which has surprisingly changed how I looked at my parents. When you realize all that they did for you, all that they paid for, all that they hurt for so you could have more, how you feel about them changes. My freshman year I think I went home maybe twice a semester. This Semester alone I've gone home at least twice a month, sometimes more. I miss them. I miss home. I miss family. This is the first Christmas I've actually felt like my family was the most important thing about the Christmas season. I look forward to spending time with my mom and playing tennis with my dad and getting to go to church as a family on Sundays. It's nice to understand what for once what growing up really means. I used to think, "gosh I can't wait to 'grow up' and get out of here." Now, I think "man I'm kind of grown up, I miss being at home."

It's funny how things change.

Gordon Family, I love you.

Once again, here I am procrastinating.. in my own defense I think I do my best work under pressure. My grades on my recent papers have proven that to be true so, for now, I will bank on that. (It's 9:30 PM and I have a paper due as my final in a class at 8:00AM.. should make for quite a thrill)

Anyway. My bestfriend just found out that her sister's cancer is back for the third time. Both girls could be put in the most beautiful girls I've ever met category. Actually, I adore that whole family. Though I've only been close to Tori for about a year, whatever we have could very well be classified as rare and unique because of how honest we are with eachother. In girl world, we have a lot of 'best friends' so when I call Tori that I want you to understand, she is one of the few exceptions. She is the real deal. I could murder someone and she would be the first person I'd run too bloody hands and all because I know she'd stand by me at my worst. (That was an extreme example, but you get the picture.) So, with all that said, hearing about her sister today made me sick to my stomach.

In moments like that you can have hundred people write on your Facebook wall, another hundred text you uplifting bible verses and fifty more mail you sympathy letters, but Anna is still sick and at the end of the day it still sucks. It's hard to walk next to someone whose burden is so heavy the ground might as well shake when they walk. There are no words. Only prayers, true ones said on your knees, in your secret place, or all throughout the day if you're that kind of prayer warrior. Too many people throw around, "I'll be praying for you.." when bad things happen to good people, but it means nothing unless someone is actually doing it.

So, this is me asking you personally to join me and the many others in this battle for Anna. If you are a prayer warrior, pray for the Gordons. Please.

"I don't break promises"-God

I heard a good friend speak on 1 Kings 18 a couple weeks ago. It's about Elijah and proving that God Almighty is the one true God over the false god Baal. In order to prove this Elijah has the people of Baal build an alter of wood on Mount Carmel. Then, Elijah does the same. Whichever God can light the alter on fire will prove true. He lets the people of Baal do whatever they need to do to get Baal to send fire. Nothing. When it is Elijah's turn, he orders that there be four large jars of water poured over the alter. Then, he orders that they do it three more times, soaking the alter completely before he calls on the Lord, who quickly sends fire which ignites the alter and soaks up the water from the ground up.

What is it about this story that I can't stop thinking about? The damp wood. Elijah soaked the wood before he asked God to send fire, but why? The logic behind it says Elijah knew and believed beyond a shadow of doubt that God was going to send fire to the alter whether it was dry or wet. So, by soaking the wood it proved that Elijah was willing to give up any type of control, advantage or doubt that God was going to do what He said He was going to do.

That speaks to me. Everyday since I heard this word I could just feel God saying,

"Kendall are you letting your life be damp wood?"

"Do you not trust me?"

"Are you still not willing to give me control?"

And my answer... "I know, but I'm so scared."

His reply?

"I don't break promises."

Even when I run, You infinitely reach

Lately, I've been fighting this insane internal battle that I haven't wanted to talk about because I hadn't figured it all out and that scared me. I'm an all or nothing, trust you or completely don't, love you or don't care for you kind of girl, but these past few weeks I've been walking a gray line about a lot of things and it was making me question myself more than I ever like to show. Fortunately, today was different. Today I felt the hope and peace and comfort that most days I just wear like an old t-shirt but never feel further than my etched on smile and dry winter skin. It makes for a good cover but not for any real resolve. It's not like getting dressed in the morning. You can't just put those feelings on and always have them sink deep into your bones. I try. I play the part well in fact. I'm not sure what is so different about today, but it felt new when I woke up. Fresh. Whatever I was walking through is starting to lift and it feels good. Jesus, you feel good on me. I'm sorry I run when I get nervous. I think fear of embrace is far more frightening sometimes than the actual embrace of whatever it is that you are afraid of. Atleast that's how it is in my life.

Quotable thoughts

"With every encounter, make it your aim that people are better off after having been in your presence. Try in every encounter to give something, anything, to someone else."
-Jim George

"Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I cannot see clearly what is required of me in the here and now."
-Elisabeth Elliot
(I think me and this women have some strange connect. Every emotion I've ever felt since I started walking with the Lord.. this women has written a book about it. She is literally my hero.)

Foster Care and Adoption

The more I learn, the more I see, the more I understand the need for help. I pray the Lord blesses me enough to give some of those kids somewhere stable to come. I never thought or dreamed about taking in anyone else's kids but once I entered into the Social Work world, my perception totally changed.

Why Blogging is Good Procrastination

I always do this. Everytime I have a paper due, I find myself wanting to blog. BUT I've come to the conclusion that maybe it is a good thing because it gets me writing. Even if it is totally not what my paper is going to be about it still gets me in the mood to write. It's like paper pregaming. (If I can even make that reference) Anyway, I am going to try to focus now. If I need another study break.. you will probably see another post shortly. Oh and here is something actually worth reading, hope you've read this far.

Anonymous: "I've got nothing."
God: "Heaven is for you."

Anonymous: "I am nothing."
God: "I would trade anything for you."

Anonymous: "I'm...not clean."
God: "I know."

Anonymous: "What do I do?"
Jesus: "I already did it."
God: "Please come home."

Just Read

http://heisjealousforme.tumblr.com/post/1473636509/here-is-my-heart I want people to read this because her words move me. They move me in a way no one else's words ever have. Her passion ignites my soul. I read her posts all the time and I felt like I needed to share this one with all of you. Just click and read.

WAIT - what a bittersweet word

I'm having a love-hate relationship with the word WAIT right now. It's been everywhere lately, in almost everything I do and think about. It's frustrating. No one likes or particularly enjoys having to be patient for things, and that is the hate part. The love part comes when you realize that wait is a momentary or transition time until the correct time come, but IT IS COMING. Which should be a relief but too many peope doubt and quit before they ever get to the correct time, in turn stealing the joy from that future moment.

I have been told to wait. Be patient. Have faith and hold fast because something is coming. A moment is coming. Divine moments are coming and things will reveal why I am in this holding period.

The Lord is faithful and when He promises things to you, He isn't lying. Don't doubt. Keep your eyes forward, there is glory in the distance.

I heard my pastor once preach on patience and he used a Christmas metaphor; God knows what you need, what you long for, and what you are meant for, and He already has it for you beautifully wrapped and placed under the tree for you to open, but today isn't Christmas and the moment of joy when you get to open them has not come yet. Be patient and know they are already in place and the time is coming.

This shall be my moto from now on

enough said

Just slight procrastination

Seriously I only want to blog when I have a lot of homework to do.. grrr. Oh, well. I'll make it short.. thought for the day.. I LOVE MY MAJOR... it's crazy how just loving on a neglected soul will light up someone's very being. Social work was meant for me, third major is a charm i guess! :) Happy November everyone!

He is moving, He's breath is upon me

He is moving, He is unmasking my shame and fears and restoring my broken heart. He is moving. He shows me His hand and I finally want to take it. He shows me what real beauty is and tells me no mirror can ever reflect what His eyes see in me. He brings me to my knees and breaks down walls I've spent years building. He fought off my old demons and showed me a road of shimmering gold. He washed my mascara smeared face with His blood and called me daughter. He is moving and I can no longer fight it, I don't want to anymore. I'm caught in the fire of His mercy and it is melting the residue of this world from my very being. He is moving.

What an extremely successful Sunday. :) Started off with church, which is always wonderful. I love New Beginnnings. Then, I went grocery shopping, then I studied, ran a couple errands, took a power nap, ran a couple miles, did an abe ripper video, clean the whole apartment, did laundry, and painted some picture frames, now I am blogging and updating my schedule for the next week because I am slightly ridiculous when it comes to planning. Whewww that was a lot of stuff. I can get so much done when I don't spend 70% of my day at the office, which is unavoidable at times, but that is alright. I really do like my job, I just like having a life as well.

Busy week ahead, but the Lord is Good. Amen.

I am happiest when I'm outside and it's just You and me.

My latest theory on boys & iphones

I believe this will be a continuation from last night's post.. I'm just feeling it. Here is my theory on why boyfriends are like iphones. I know you are excited to here this one. Okay, so I don't have a super cool phone, it calls, sends text messages and I can check facebook. That is all. No apps, nothing to make it out of the norm and that is just fine for me. I don't wake up in the morning and hate my life because I can't check email via my phone. BUT when I get around my friends and all of them are typing away on their little iphones and surfing the internet and checking emails and grades and playing music and all the other crazy things you can do now, I kind of start to wish I had an iphone. I start to wonder if I'd be happier if I had an iphone.

Then I think, well I can't do anything about it until my contract is up which is almost another year and I know by then a much cooler version of the iphone will be out, so if I can just be patient I can get something a whole lot better than what is out right now. Boyfriends are the same way. I don't think too much about it until I'm placed in the middle of a bunch of couples and am forced to think about my lacking in that area. Then, of course I always come to the conclusion that my single time isn't up yet and when it is I will get someone way better. Not to mention I am the pickiest person on the planet when it comes to dating someone so the next one is going to have to be God sent. Okay, I think I got it all out this time. :) Sorry for the rambling.

Can I be just a girl for a minute?

I need to be a girl for just a minute. I don't typically write stuff like this because..well, mainly I feel dumb when I read it days later, but whatever. As the later part of my college years are well underway, all of my best friends have begun the pairing off process and are starting to get into serious relationships. Me, on the other hand, single, no prospects. You know it really wasn't even a thought or concern, and rightfully so, until fairly recently. Truthfully I can say yes I am happy and I am not particularly looking for someone to date, but there are those nights where everyone is paired off and I find myself in a drift of thoughts from previous relationships and the giddy joy from feeling loved by another. Luckily, I can snap myself out of it and hope that I don't say something sarcastic about annoying PDA or other comments that would come from a bitter lonely person. Which, I don't want to sound like because I don't consider myself all that lonely.

It's not that I long for someone or need someone to make me happy, it's more so that I miss being a girlfriend and getting to be a part of someone else's life in that way. I miss having a best friend that I loved so much it made me feel ridiculous sometimes. I miss knowing that at the end of a bad day I was a phone call away from an "i love you" and a good laugh. I look forward to finding that again, whenever that may be, but I'd be lying if I said I never think about it or hope that it's coming soon. Of course, I shouldn't waste time on such thoughts but again I am a girl and that's how we are. So, sorry you had to read my more emotional side. Venting feels good every now and then.

:))

God's a funny guy, I like Him

If you are analytical like myself, then you've probably thought so hard about things God does in your life that you loose the fact that He has just moved. For example (I wanted to blog about this a couple days ago but haven't gotten to sit down till just now)....probably eight months ago, I had a lot on my mind about what I wanted and what I thought God wanted and if I was good enough to be telling people about Jesus if I didn't have all the right answers..ect, so in the middle of my shower Isaiah 43:12 came to me. Which to some of you, may not sound that cool but background info.. I am not a bible guru and I am terrible about memorizing scripture and verses do not just "come to me"..ever. So, I thought to myself.. I wonder if there is even 43 books in Isaiah? Even if there are, is there a twelfth verse? Would it mean anything to me? Needless to say I spent way too long thinking about why and how this particular verse popped in my head.. for those too lazy to look it up.. it says:

"I have revealed, and saved and proclaimed,
I am not some foreign god among you.
You are my witness, declares the LORD, that I am God."

While I know we shouldn't give God humanly characteristics, I think He has a sense of humor, at least when He talks to me. I'm sure He laughs at me all the time. I laugh at myself all the time.

i wish i had this kind of time

what would I give to have time in my day to do this...

LOVE THIS

No matter what you are going through you have two choices: you can choose to focus on what is tearing you apart, or you can focus on what is holding you together.

"You were the air in my breath filling up my love soaked lungs,

such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun,

nothing better than this, oh let the storm come,

You, feels just like the sun"

-Sara Bareilles :)

Truthfully, I posted this and then decided..eh maybe I'll delete it BUT for some reason it won't let me so I guess this will mean something to someone. If it's you, take it to heart. I stand firm behind telling the truth no matter what it costs you.

thinking out loud

I don't have to work until tonight.. YES I can actually get things done today. Thank the Lord.
Check List..(I have a planning problem)

1) Upload new workout music to iPod.
2) Work out/run (probably just run..but a really good run)
3) Clean apt
4) Finish study guide
5) Call places about volunteer work
6) Plan spring break :) (my vote is the mountains..mansion cabin with 8 person hot tub um yes, but I'm going to get out voted by a cruise) Oh well.. both are good options.
7) Relax..maybe..probably not

Have a nice day folks :P

"The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of His hands."

Psalm 19:1

"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges."
-Joseph Newton

Beautiful, wonderful, You are,

matchless in every way.

Here in your presence,

we am undone.

Here in your presence

Heaven and Earth become one.

Here in Your presence,

all things are new.

Here in Your presence,

everything bows before You.

Ohh.. That 70's Show

Break my heart for what breaks Yours.

Once again, it's one of those times where I should be doing some homework but instead I'm choosing to blog. Any way can't stop thinking about my kids from the bus ministry I just got involved with. Basically people from church bus in kids from all the government housing in Tuscaloosa and we get to love on them and teach them about Jesus. Pretty awesome right? Any way, I'm not technically a teacher, more like an aid since I'm a newbie, so I spend my time in there not teaching but rather just getting to know the kids. (Side note: it's like 20-30 3rd & 4th grade girls) Tonight, I got to read what some of the girls wrote on their prayer requests. To give you some perspective: one read,

"Please pretect me and my family and I pray we have food on the table next week."

Another read,

"Please help the people that are homeless like my friend Jess and help them to find somewhere to go."

How can your heart not break? I got to talk to one girl for a few minutes and she preceeded to tell me how her, her brother, and her grandmother all share one bed. She said she likes to sleep at the foot of the bed though and pretend she has her own. I could only smile and hug her. How sweet was this little girl who was so happy to have so little. I feel so blessed.

A picture says a thousand words

There are a lot of reasons why I thought twice about posting this picture. It says so much with no words. It takes me to a place I'm glad I'm not. A shame that strips you and leaves you empty. Too many people will look at this picture and not want to ever admit that they have felt everything that this picture embodies. It will be hard to look at and face because it will take them to a secret place, a dark place that they have hidden. There is an unspoken don't ask and don't tell about these moments which is unfortunate because they effect relationships to the core. Secret shame attacks from the inside and it's only mission is to destory. I pray you don't let these moments get swept under the rug.

HAD to reblog this..

"I am not this body, I am not these four walls where my soul is housed.

I am not these hands, but the service I give to others with them.

I am not these legs, but where I go with them.

I am not these arms, but the hurts I soothe with them,

and the love I spread with them.

I am not these ears, but the whispers I hear with them.

I am not these eyes, but the Creation I see with them.

I am not this mouth, but the words I speak with it,

and the smiles I spread with it.

I am not this life, but within me in the Life of Christ.

I am not this world, but the difference I make in it."

I know this is true, I know it.

Joy comes in the morning :)

About me..

I've been blogging now for a while but I have yet to really write about what I am actually like. So, here is somethings about me that you probably don't know:

1) I color code my closet, which is hilarious because I was a messy kid.
2) I have made my bed every day since I moved into my new apartment, mainly because I redid my room and I love seeing it clean. That's three months straight. That's a new record for me.
3) I am one of five kids. I am #4. I have three brothers and one sister. Oh, and a sister-in-law. I guess that makes for six of us now. :) I love our big family. My mom is also one of five, so there are quite a few of us.
4) I am a social work major at the University of Alabama. This is my third major, but I'm pretty sure I'm playing this one for keeps. I absolutely love my major classes and that is a first.
5) My favorite color is blue. In seventh grade I changed it to green for two weeks then decided I still loved blue. My best friend still makes fun of me for it.
6) I've had the same best friend since 6th grade. She now goes to school in Tennessee, but we have a great long distance relationship. :)
7) I love being outside. I love being outside. I love being outside.
8) I would pick dogs over cats anyday. I grew up with three dogs.
9) I love to run. I used to be a cross country runner. I don't do it much anymore because I am slightly more busy than I'd like to be and when I'm home I'm usually relaxing and preparing for the next day. I really miss it though.
10) Honesty is the number one thing I respect about people. I'd take an honest trouble maker over a dishonest bahaved person every time because someone that hides things cannot be helped.

i want this..

i love this. hello organization.

Girls night out!

I hardly ever blog about what I actually do, so here is a snip of my weekend... my roomies and myself drove to Birmingham on Friday night to eat at the Cheesecake Factory. It was delicious.

I love Boy Meets World..it was definitely that best show Disney ever had going for them.

freedom

Little kids & God make me :)

Just cleaned the whole house listening to Billy Joel and Chicago.. I think I was born in the wrong decade. :)

I get small God syndrome

Today, was one of those days where you think everything is in place, then you start to freak out and wonder if something is going wrong and you don't realize it and blah blah blah.... yes, I am very analytical. I do that thing where you think too hard and freak yourself out. Only, I never tell anyone that I'm freaking out, in fact you would probably never know that I am like that unless you can read minds or you clearly read my blog. Anyway, I do have a point.. which is.. that recently I've found that the only way to chill myself out, is to realize that I am simply having momentary "small God syndrome". I like to define it as moments where someone lacks the faith in the intangibly large God that we serve. Seriously, think about it. I know I do it daily.. probably multiple times a day if I'm being really honest. God, You're a big guy. I'm sorry I doubt You sometimes... You know I'll snap out of it after a few minutes.

(totally separate thought)

Went to lunch with my daddy today. If he were in college, I'm pretty sure we'd be bestfriends. I love talking to my dad. I don't think I could lie to that man if I tried, but that's how I like it. I never have to hide anything from him, which makes it easy for him to be honest with me. We have a great father-daughter relationship and I'm thankful for that. He seriously holds our family together and I will always respect him for never complaining, never quitting and always praying. He's the kind of person that never asks for anything but deserves everything. If the man I marry is anything like him, I'll be a lucky girl.

If I could time travel..

Some times I wonder what it would be like if I could sit down with the 16 or 17 year old version of myself. There are a lot of things I would say, but some of them would probably sound like these..

1. You think you are in love, but Kendall, you won't know what that means for a long time.
2. You are selfish, but you think you are righteous.
3. You will cry a lot more in the next four or five years than you can imagine, but it's in your rawest moments that you feel your first few touches from God.
4. When you think things are getting hopeless, don't worry, you never give up.
5. You are going to try to plan everything. Your plans fall in your face. It's okay though, God made a few plans of his own to take their place.
6. You will find yourself when you find God. Yeah, you haven't found Him yet, you just let a bunch of people tell you that you have.
7. You will lose everything only to discover that everything you had wasn't everything. You won't understand for a while and that will be hard.
8. College will be your moment of change and it will happen in a flash. Enjoy the ride.
9. Your family will rip at the seems and you will be the thing that sows them back together. Yes. Your prayers, they come true. Don't give up.
10. Your little brother doesn't hate you, he heard everything you said. He was listening even when you think he wasn't.
11. You'll learn the hard way that you can't fix everything, but it's a beautiful moment when you realize you aren't always supposed to.
12. You'll get to forgive the people you thought you never could. It will make all the difference.

:D

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have finished my research paper.. and I needed a good chuckle. This is so me it's not even funny. (If you know me you will laugh). :) Have a nice night friends.

I am an ADD kid

KENDALL FOCUS!!..that is all I keep telling myself. School would be so much easier if I could get focused..but I don't want to have to take some medication to be able to sit and actually do my work. Today I cleaned the whole apartment, like I'm talking dusted, vaccumed, wiped down every surface.. you name it. Then, I painted a mirror, then I bought some new crosses and things and hung them, and now I am blogging about it all in the attempt to not type my paper. I am productive in every area except the one that matters most in the current moment. Okay, off to try to make some progress. Lord, please help me focus.

cabin fever at work

I am supposed to be writing a paper right now for one of my social work classes, but I just can't get into it. It's even an interesting topic. I think I need to go running or jogging or something. I am about to go crazy sitting in front of this screen, but I'm at work and I cannot vacate the premises for another 30 minutes. So, here I am, telling you about it so you can finish reading this and feel like you have not gained any wisdom or knowledge or fun quotes. Yep, it's been decided. I will go for a run when I get off. Gosh it is going to feel awesome, why? Because it feel AWESOME outside. This is officially my favorite time of year. Summer is a close second, but my air conditioning went out this summer in my car and didn't get fixed till about 4 weeks ago, so summer lost it's number one position after a near death experience of extreme temperatures in my car. No, I didn't really almost die, but it was not a pleasant experience to say the least. You are getting to see my sarcastic side. I don't usually write as sarcastically as I speak, which is kind of strange I guess. You probably thought I was a whole lot nicer than I really am and.... I am nice... Just not one of those always perky perfectly nice people. I have a personality and from time to time (like every day) I can get brutally honest, like right now. Why can't I write this quickly when I write my papers? It's like the word school gives me an automatic writers block. Ugh. I think the real problem is that I had an unusually large about of Mountain Dew earlier and I'm over caffeinated and bored out of my mind. The two are not a good mix. Okay.. thats it, I'm packing it up and going to stand by the door, at precisely 6:00 P.M. I am peacing out of this joint. I feel like an over excited 5 year old, I seriously need to run this off.

Anyone else have thoughts?

I was walking to class today and I took my adderall, which I only take when I have to study, write a paper or take a test. Yes, I am prescribed. I should take it regularly but I don't, I don't like to be dependant on things or people for that matter. Anyway, I was thinking unusually hard (cause that's what adderall makes you do) and I started to think about how crazy it is that we can hop on Facebook and "stalk" someone we never have or ever will meet in the flesh and know all kinds of things about them. I am guilty myself. For example, I clearly love reading blogs so when I find someone on Facebook that has one, I automatically click it. This person maybe an acquaintance or even a stranger, but suddenly I can have a peak at the way this person thinks, they way they feel about life, what they are passionate about. It's usually all there. It blows my mind. I actually follow this girl's blog who lives in Oklahoma and I literally know everything about her life as if I had read a book about her. As if we were friends. I feel like I know her, but I don't. That is the point I am trying to make. She isn't a real friend.

Is this really how we want to function as a society? Do I want to know that my bestfriend from high school got engaged because it popped up on my mini feed? Would I be better friends with her, more willing to call her, or make time for her if I didn't keep up with her via Facebook, Twitter, Blogspot..? If all those things were gone, I would have to call her if I wanted to know how she was, I would have to see her in person to see her new hair cut and the 20 pounds she lost. It makes me wonder if all this "stuff" is doing us any good? I'm not an idiot, I do realize that it makes everything more convenient but have we let that become our crutch to getting in touch with people? I actually have family members that write on my wall on my birthday instead of calling. Call it "new age", but I call it crap. We have created our own little worlds and because we network it looks like we are way more engaged in life than we actually are. Engaged in life is not sitting in front of a computer, tv, ipad, laptop, itouch, iphone, blackberry, and all the other crazy gadgets that distract us from the life we think we are living.

Yes, I love blogging. Yes, I love Facebook, but I can't help but wonder if our generation is in a huge sink hole and we just don't realize it. We're sucked in with every new innovation and suddenly life without those things doesn't seem great or beautiful anymore. In fact, if you don't have those things you are actually considered unfortunate. What a lie, what a horrible lie.

beautiful words

:)

haha.. I don't really care if you laughed cause it made me smile :)

"I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them right now, but when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth, for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things that are to come."
-John 16:12-13

Even when the rain falls

"Even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts raising, even when the storm comes, I am washed by the water." -Needtobreathe

I appreciate the truth

For months I've been trying to pin point what my deal has been. Finally at The Ramp (a ministry in Hamilton, AL) the other day, the Lord painted a pretty vivid picture of my issue for me. He showed me an egg with a flawless porcelian shell, but on the inside the shell, the yoke was starting to rot. Then, the Lord revealed, that until I break my shell, He could not pour me out, He could not refine me in the fire and He could not use me to feed anyone. Wow. Thank you Father.

You hold it all together

The same man who holds the world, holds my heart. I can rest easy in that.

Jesus gives out reality checks

I have a feeling I'm about to be so much more honest than I was planning. This picture, I found it on another girl's blog and I saved it to my computer along with probably 30 others knowing I would at some point insert it into my own blog. I literally thought, "man that one is powerful, I'll use that the next time I'm in a rut." Funny thing is I have tried to write several other post since but I can't get away from this picture.

Then the truth began to bleed out. That is me I've just been ignoring it. I've literally been thinking that because I put my self in places where I should feel Him, that I haven't been distant, even though I've been harden to the presence longer than I like to admit. It's something I do as a defense, I'm supposed to be a leader, someone who's already saved so I shouldn't need to weep at the alter of a service I help put on, or tell my christian friends that I'm not alright and everything isn't rainbows and roses. No, instead I've covered it up with my cynical jokes and smile and arm rises during service worship songs. Wow, I'm being honest.

Father, I'm sorry I've been so distant. I'm sorry that I have silently ran from you and shut myself off to you. This is my sad attempt to humble myself and let anyone know who reads this. I do not have it all together. I am broken a lot. Some days I do need to lay at Your feet because I can't fix everything myself. I can't fix my family and the things that happen to them, I can't change days where everything crashes in around me, BUT I can let you hold me. I can let you whisper that even when I'm by myself, I am not alone and tomorrow will be better.

Keep showing me who I really am so that I can make myself more like You. I love you.

what can i do for You

what can i bring to You

What kind of song would you like me to sing?

cause i'll dance a dance for you

pour out my love to you

what can i do for you beautiful king?

cause i can't thank you enough

i can't thank you enough

what can I do for you

what can i bring to you

what kind of song would you like me to sing

cause i'll dance a dance for you

pour out my love to you

what can I do for you beautiful king?

cause I can't thank You enough

I can't thank you enough

all the words that i find, i can't thank you enough

no matter how i try, i can't thank you enough

then i hear you sing to me

"you don't have to do a thing,

but just simply be with me

and let those things go,

cause they can wait another minute

wait, this moment is to sweet

would you please stay here with Me

and love on me a little longer

I'd like to be with you a little longer,

cause I'm inlove with you."

I just need You.

Father, I act like because I'm not committing sins that others see that I don't have to tell You I'm sorry. I am. I am far from perfect. I think things that I shouldn't and my human mind doubts You daily. Never stop saving me, loving me, holding me.