I'm going through a season where I'm clinging to my independence as if trying to do everything on my own somehow keeps me safe but maybe it just makes me numb. Numb to that fact that I feel deprived in areas that hurt, so numb seems the best alternative. When I say numb, it's a defense. You see, my family is currently going through some harder times along with the rest of the world, which puts me in a very vulnerable state. The very idea of my foundation not being able to support me has left me almost in solitude. It's not their fault, my parents. I do not think less of them for a second, however, my survival instincts have kicked in and I've been working myself to death to insure my tiny self-induced stability is maintained and solid. While some say this is a good thing and that it is building my character, I can feel myself withdrawing, terrified to depend on or let anyone take care of me. I see it most with my boyfriend and close friends. Who wants to be a burden? Who wants to be the one dragging the rest down? Who wants to be the one people feel bad for? Not me. Fortunately, I was reminded of my covenant friendships and love that surrounds me, by a bag of trash bags at Target last night.
My sweet boyfriend had purposefully made some time to spend with me on our Sunday afternoon, after taking me to an unexpected dinner, he needed some groceries. So, to Target we went. The only thing I could think of that I needed was trash bags so I tossed them into the cart with all of his stuff. As we were checking out, I quickly grabbed my $5 trash bags out of the cart and separated them from his things. I did not want the guilt of him accidentally paying for them. The cashier rang up all of his items and then tried to grab my trash bags. Before I could even get a peep out, without missing a beat, Stephen calmly added, "yes, those too." I looked at him confused, as if he'd spend $1,000 on me even though it was only $5. "Why?" I asked him. His answer was simple as usual, because he wanted too, because he finds joy in seeing that my needs are met, even if it's a box of trash bags. He reminded me in that moment just how taken care of I really am. I remember staring down at the grey carpet as we exited and swallowing down a river of tears. When it's covenant love, when it's a covenant friendship, taking care of eachother is not an obligation or a burden, it's a joy. It's not out of pity, it's out of genuine love. I don't need a whole lot, I probably didn't absolutely need trash bags, but at the time what I did need was God to remind me that I'm not quite as alone as I often feel in this. It's funny how God will use a box of trash bags to remind me that He is Jehovah Jireh and through covenant love I will always been taken care of.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Worthy Reblog
We were made to give!
The whole world has it backwards. We’re taught our whole lives that we should “take what we can get” and that marriage is about how someone makes you feel and how compatible they are with you.
but Jesus says “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35) He says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)
Satan wants to take. Because he wants to be above God, who is the all and all, so he cannot ever earn anything by receiving it, he has to steal it.
But it is the NATURE of the God we were created in the image of to give.
love is giving. Jesus says that, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)I receive from God because Jesus died that I would be reunited with Him. I am one with Him. He gives, I receive so I can give. I receive from Him because He is above all and in all, and everything I have comes from Him. But He is my Father and I am not an orphan, so I do not have to steal or work or beg. He gives, and I give what He gives.
I never need to take from anyone because in Him I have enough and I am enough. I love by giving. I live to give.
That’s why we, as people, even exist. Because God is a giving God. He loves. He gives. it’s who He is. God is love. And we were created that He might give of Himself completely, again and again. Love gives of itself because it does not need fear lack. We have rivers of living water flowing through us. We have the Holy Spirit. We will never run out. ”Freely you have received, freely give.” (Matthew 5:10)You are free to freely love.
The whole world has it backwards. We’re taught our whole lives that we should “take what we can get” and that marriage is about how someone makes you feel and how compatible they are with you.
but Jesus says “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35) He says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)
Satan wants to take. Because he wants to be above God, who is the all and all, so he cannot ever earn anything by receiving it, he has to steal it.
But it is the NATURE of the God we were created in the image of to give.
love is giving. Jesus says that, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)I receive from God because Jesus died that I would be reunited with Him. I am one with Him. He gives, I receive so I can give. I receive from Him because He is above all and in all, and everything I have comes from Him. But He is my Father and I am not an orphan, so I do not have to steal or work or beg. He gives, and I give what He gives.
I never need to take from anyone because in Him I have enough and I am enough. I love by giving. I live to give.
That’s why we, as people, even exist. Because God is a giving God. He loves. He gives. it’s who He is. God is love. And we were created that He might give of Himself completely, again and again. Love gives of itself because it does not need fear lack. We have rivers of living water flowing through us. We have the Holy Spirit. We will never run out. ”Freely you have received, freely give.” (Matthew 5:10)You are free to freely love.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Enfolded in His love
"Unfailing love enfolds him who trusts in the Lord." -Psalm 32:10
If those words say anything to me it's,
"Daughter, I've got you. I'm wrapping you up in more love than you can imagine if you'll just trust me."
Sometimes I really do feel like a little girl curled up in her father's lap. I'm protected and safe even when I forget I'm in the arms of the Almighty. Strange how our earthly minds can forget such a thing and worldly matters can consume. Father, help me to remember that I'm enfolded in your love, literally wrapped in it for safe keeping and I do not need to worry.
If those words say anything to me it's,
"Daughter, I've got you. I'm wrapping you up in more love than you can imagine if you'll just trust me."
Sometimes I really do feel like a little girl curled up in her father's lap. I'm protected and safe even when I forget I'm in the arms of the Almighty. Strange how our earthly minds can forget such a thing and worldly matters can consume. Father, help me to remember that I'm enfolded in your love, literally wrapped in it for safe keeping and I do not need to worry.
Monday, October 10, 2011
You intended to harm me..but
Where there were stains from my poor attempts to clean myself, Your blood covered all. I woke up the other day with an ear full from the devil. His best weapons loaded and launched from the moment my eyes fluttered open. I began to feel dirty, unworthy, not good enough. It was as if my past decisions had built some army and I was Pearl Harbor. I sat through my three hour upper-division social work class and the girl beside me kept asking if I were about to cry. I couldn't even look at her. I left and drove straight to my boyfriends house. I needed him to know everything. I needed him to know I'd dated the wrong guys before him and he definitely wasn't my first kiss. Being his first really serious girlfriend, the devil kept saying,
"It's too bad he waited all this time for this, you aren't exactly rapped in plastic off the shelf. You're used. You're never going to be on his level. You might as well get this over with. You'll be glad you ended things so early this time."
I sat across from him on his bed. I couldn't look at him. Instead I fixed my eyes on the different shades of blue strips that make up his bed spread. Once I'd finished explaining I waited to hear confirmation so I could leave and it could be over. I heard him clear his throat and say, "that's it?" and before he'd let me respond, he said with complete confidence, "I love you. Don't you dare let the devil get in your head like that again. Everything is fine, I'm not going anywhere."
All I could murmor was, "I was expecting you to make me feel bad, or dirty or something."
His reply was perfect. "You are clean and you know it." That was the end of the discussion.
I got baptized recently, and there was this divine moment right after. After I stepped out of the pool I had to go around the side of the building and come in by the bathrooms where my change of clothes were. As I left my family and friends briefly, I rounded the corner to the empty all hallway were Stephen had run to meet me. He wrapped me up in his arms (me soaking wet, him still dressed in his church attire) and told me how proud he was of me. I'd been waiting for a moment like that. Praying that such a moment existed for me. Where I felt renewed and on track with God's divine direction, and there dripping wet, I knew. So when he said, "You're clean and you know it." He meant it. He meant that I am washed by the blood, and there's not a stain left on me. I'm thankful for those words of life and for someone who never lets me forget them.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..." -Genesis 50:20
"It's too bad he waited all this time for this, you aren't exactly rapped in plastic off the shelf. You're used. You're never going to be on his level. You might as well get this over with. You'll be glad you ended things so early this time."
I sat across from him on his bed. I couldn't look at him. Instead I fixed my eyes on the different shades of blue strips that make up his bed spread. Once I'd finished explaining I waited to hear confirmation so I could leave and it could be over. I heard him clear his throat and say, "that's it?" and before he'd let me respond, he said with complete confidence, "I love you. Don't you dare let the devil get in your head like that again. Everything is fine, I'm not going anywhere."
All I could murmor was, "I was expecting you to make me feel bad, or dirty or something."
His reply was perfect. "You are clean and you know it." That was the end of the discussion.
I got baptized recently, and there was this divine moment right after. After I stepped out of the pool I had to go around the side of the building and come in by the bathrooms where my change of clothes were. As I left my family and friends briefly, I rounded the corner to the empty all hallway were Stephen had run to meet me. He wrapped me up in his arms (me soaking wet, him still dressed in his church attire) and told me how proud he was of me. I'd been waiting for a moment like that. Praying that such a moment existed for me. Where I felt renewed and on track with God's divine direction, and there dripping wet, I knew. So when he said, "You're clean and you know it." He meant it. He meant that I am washed by the blood, and there's not a stain left on me. I'm thankful for those words of life and for someone who never lets me forget them.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..." -Genesis 50:20
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Thankful for Him and him
"No human relation gives one possession in another… every two souls are absolutely different. In friendship or in love, the two side by side raise hands together to find what one cannot reach alone."
Khalil Gibran
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The extending tingle of a first kiss
I had an interesting dream the other night. I dreamt I was walking barefoot down a warm pavement path, I am not sure where I was but it looked an awful lot like a cemetery, except I don't remember seeing any actual graves. The air was thick from the heat of the sun that was nearly done setting. It seemed like only seconds before the beautiful shades of pink and orange that danced across the sky deepened to fierce shades of puffy black and gray. Somehow before I could understand the weather change, I found myself in the labor pains of a coming storm. Before my brain could tell my legs to run, I felt a sting of pain and a flash of light. I had somehow been struck by lightening and was laying face down on the now cold pavement. My lower body seemed paralyzed as I opened my eyes to assess the damage, I noticed a old newspaper on the ground next to me. To my surprise, my curiosity enabled my hands to reach out and grab it. As I opened the newspaper which, seemed to be from a few years back, old pictures of myself from high school fell out in slow motion as if they were suspended in the air just long enough for me to see my past swoosh by then they were gone and I woke up.
The morning after I had this dream I couldn't stop thinking about how vivid it all had been. Finally after a couple hours I decided to look up what it means to be struck by lightening in your dreams. I know, how original, however what I read, I found to be spot on, so I will share it with you. According to the dream translator, "to dream that you are struck by lightning, symbolizes irreversible changes occurring in your life. You are undergoing a permanent transformation."
This ladies and gentleman, is absolutely true of my life right now. The grace and renewal I've experienced over the last four months has been life transforming. The habits and memories I thought I could never rid my mind of seemed to flash past me as fast as the pictures in my dream and simply disintegrate. I finally feel as though fresh tracks have been laid for me and I've already boarded a new train that never takes me down the old roads I used to roam and that has been extraordinarily freeing. Walking in freedom has equipped me to take on the life God originally planned for me. Like a first kiss I can still feel the tingle of the unknown rising the hairs on my skin, but it the lack of fear has sent me shooting forward in faith. God's never left my side, and that, I have learned is always true.
The morning after I had this dream I couldn't stop thinking about how vivid it all had been. Finally after a couple hours I decided to look up what it means to be struck by lightening in your dreams. I know, how original, however what I read, I found to be spot on, so I will share it with you. According to the dream translator, "to dream that you are struck by lightning, symbolizes irreversible changes occurring in your life. You are undergoing a permanent transformation."
This ladies and gentleman, is absolutely true of my life right now. The grace and renewal I've experienced over the last four months has been life transforming. The habits and memories I thought I could never rid my mind of seemed to flash past me as fast as the pictures in my dream and simply disintegrate. I finally feel as though fresh tracks have been laid for me and I've already boarded a new train that never takes me down the old roads I used to roam and that has been extraordinarily freeing. Walking in freedom has equipped me to take on the life God originally planned for me. Like a first kiss I can still feel the tingle of the unknown rising the hairs on my skin, but it the lack of fear has sent me shooting forward in faith. God's never left my side, and that, I have learned is always true.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I am humbled indefinitely
Well friends, it's 3:36AM. I went to bed at 10:30PM and woke up a few minutes ago like I'd met my sleeping quota for a year. Wide awake is my current state, but not that miserable wide awake, I'm in this weird serene, rested confidence. I've been too busy to write or so I've been telling myself for the last three months. Apparently God has other plans, if the middle of the night is when He wants me to write, then so be it. Here's the deal, the girl inside me says, "tell them about your new man" but other than he is absolutely wonderful, I'm not entirely sure what I'm about to write. From the aspect of believer I ought to have known my expectations would be far surpassed and yet I could not have imagined feeling so graciously loved and so indubitably valued by another person.
The way he cares for me has taught me only a small ounce of the love of my Abba and everyday that I let Stephen love me, is another day I fall deeper in love with the original Lover of my soul. The way Stephen approaches life is unique in the sense that he sees it as a privilege to serve people. No matter what he's doing for me, he does it as though he couldn't be happier to get to be the guy who takes care of me. I've never had someone paint such a perfect picture of humble servant hood as much as just being around this boy has shown me.That's how I know things are different. I get the butterflies every time I'm reminded of how precious love is when it's done with the Lord as ground we walk on. Have there been times where things weren't perfect or easy, yes, but when your hearts are set on serving and others, somehow the rest just works itself out. I am humbled indefinitely by God's blessings and the reality of his goodness reflected all around me.
The way he cares for me has taught me only a small ounce of the love of my Abba and everyday that I let Stephen love me, is another day I fall deeper in love with the original Lover of my soul. The way Stephen approaches life is unique in the sense that he sees it as a privilege to serve people. No matter what he's doing for me, he does it as though he couldn't be happier to get to be the guy who takes care of me. I've never had someone paint such a perfect picture of humble servant hood as much as just being around this boy has shown me.That's how I know things are different. I get the butterflies every time I'm reminded of how precious love is when it's done with the Lord as ground we walk on. Have there been times where things weren't perfect or easy, yes, but when your hearts are set on serving and others, somehow the rest just works itself out. I am humbled indefinitely by God's blessings and the reality of his goodness reflected all around me.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Faithful One, You've overwhelmed my heart.
I've been resistant to blog this, but to my humble surprise somehow in the course of the last month I did in fact have the moment I had specifically asked God for. Never in my wildest dreams did I actually think it would happen, nor did I see it coming so soon. It was one of those nights where you know God is there because it's just too right, too simple, too beautiful to understand. This boy took what I knew of the dating game, and love and placed before me wholeness, holiness, grace, and a peaceful covering. He never once forced my love or fought my bucking resistance. He was sweet, confident and caring. He whispered words of life over me as I tried to convince him my baggage would be too much to carry, that my wounds were too deep to do this right.
"You're wrong," he told me. "God doesn't work that way. You will have a good life and those things you think make you wrong for this, are yours to drop whenever you want too. And when you're ready whether it's tomorrow or a year from now I will be waiting for you."
We were sitting on a park bench by a lake in my neighborhood. I remember as he spoke so close to my face that our foreheads were touching. He had me wrapped up in his arms and my legs were draped over his knees like a little girl. I felt so taken care of and yet so full of emotions that I had to close my eyes to sigh and before I could control it, a smile broke across my face. I sat speechless, "this guy," I remember thinking, "he's the one I've been waiting for."
Yes I realize I just revealed a very intimate moment that he and I shared but honestly I want other girls to understand that God has a way of mending years of unsureness, of cold walled up hearts and damaged mindsets in a matter of moments. It was not the fact the I have a new boyfriend that healed me, because I could have had a boyfriend a long time ago, it was coming to the conclusion that the love I thought I knew was not the same love that I was made for giving or receiving. It is genuine and honest and life giving and pure. It has no comparison or doubt. The Lord is forever faithful. Walk in that friends.
"You're wrong," he told me. "God doesn't work that way. You will have a good life and those things you think make you wrong for this, are yours to drop whenever you want too. And when you're ready whether it's tomorrow or a year from now I will be waiting for you."
We were sitting on a park bench by a lake in my neighborhood. I remember as he spoke so close to my face that our foreheads were touching. He had me wrapped up in his arms and my legs were draped over his knees like a little girl. I felt so taken care of and yet so full of emotions that I had to close my eyes to sigh and before I could control it, a smile broke across my face. I sat speechless, "this guy," I remember thinking, "he's the one I've been waiting for."
Yes I realize I just revealed a very intimate moment that he and I shared but honestly I want other girls to understand that God has a way of mending years of unsureness, of cold walled up hearts and damaged mindsets in a matter of moments. It was not the fact the I have a new boyfriend that healed me, because I could have had a boyfriend a long time ago, it was coming to the conclusion that the love I thought I knew was not the same love that I was made for giving or receiving. It is genuine and honest and life giving and pure. It has no comparison or doubt. The Lord is forever faithful. Walk in that friends.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
"Sho-mance" Please
I joke with my roommates about wanting a "Shoemaker Romance" because of (The Shoemakers) a couple I know of who met on a random isle in Life Way and got married four months later. They are the most in love people I've ever met, and their marriage radiates the Father like a flashing billboard. It struck me so much so, that it stripped my want for anything less than a love like theirs. Do I expect to actually meet my husband in Life Way, No. (Although if I do, it will be rather funny)Anyway, this is me documenting to all, that I have told God and I am special requesting a "Sho-mance" as I am going to dub it. Which means the it will go a little something like... Hi, I've been waiting for you, and in that moment I am absolutely positive I've found the one God has always meant for me.
Truthfully, it's probably not going to happen like that but as they say, "ask not and recieve not.." I met a girl tonight who said she met her husband when she was on a business trip with her mom in Nashville. She was from California so being in south was like a vacation and meeting her husband (a guy from Alabama) was the last thing she expected. Standing on a balcony over looking the hotel lobby from serveral floors up, she spotted a guy she thought was just too good looking so she rode the elevator down and walked through the lobby to see if he would notice her... he did. They stayed up all night talking and six months later they got engaged. Another "sho-mance"...I really hope my story is half that cool.
Truthfully, it's probably not going to happen like that but as they say, "ask not and recieve not.." I met a girl tonight who said she met her husband when she was on a business trip with her mom in Nashville. She was from California so being in south was like a vacation and meeting her husband (a guy from Alabama) was the last thing she expected. Standing on a balcony over looking the hotel lobby from serveral floors up, she spotted a guy she thought was just too good looking so she rode the elevator down and walked through the lobby to see if he would notice her... he did. They stayed up all night talking and six months later they got engaged. Another "sho-mance"...I really hope my story is half that cool.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
feeling a little naked
Sometimes the past still haunts you even when you think it can't. Today was one of those days, and as secretive as I'd prefer to be about it, I feel like God's been teaching about just being honest with myself. So today, I hurt just a little for reasons that are beyond me, but I refuse to look back even when the ache creeps back in. God is still stripping me down of everything that is not in His will and I feel naked at times from all that has disappeared. That's got to be a good thing though, right? Progress atleast, even if nothing else can be claimed. God, thank you even on days like today, because whether it hurts or not, I know you are here and moving and that is proof enough to believe better days are coming.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
There is a Harvest and it is for you.
Still haven't wanted to write much lately. It's almost as if making the transition to a more professional blogging state made it seem less fun and relaxing as it originally was for me. I think I could get to that place but I just haven't figured out the right formula just yet.
On a totally different note, I have a new thought, it's not totally original so don't give me too much credit. Let me explain it in "kendall terms". I had this misconception that everything you do that is "good" or "for God" should be done with the expectation of recieving nothing in return. I thought that you should just always live this sacrificing and servant life and if you aren't then you are selfish. Which is completely unrealistic to the average human being like myself and probably makes you feel like crap if you think too much. Here's the deal though, God is not like that. In Galatians 6:9 It says we will reap a harvest if we do not give up! Well, that tells me two important things: 1. There is a harvest 2. We are totally allowed to expect one.
You know, in my life, that changes things. God does not want us to end up sad, alone, and lacking. No, actually He wants us to love, share, be joyful in all situations (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) andddd reap a harvest. He wants us to prosper and, guess what?... We are allowed to want that as well(3 John 1:2). As long as we are living and trusting our lives with His will, there is no shame in being blessed. Funny how God is never the guy we make Him out to be, always cooler, always better, always beyond expectation.
On a totally different note, I have a new thought, it's not totally original so don't give me too much credit. Let me explain it in "kendall terms". I had this misconception that everything you do that is "good" or "for God" should be done with the expectation of recieving nothing in return. I thought that you should just always live this sacrificing and servant life and if you aren't then you are selfish. Which is completely unrealistic to the average human being like myself and probably makes you feel like crap if you think too much. Here's the deal though, God is not like that. In Galatians 6:9 It says we will reap a harvest if we do not give up! Well, that tells me two important things: 1. There is a harvest 2. We are totally allowed to expect one.
You know, in my life, that changes things. God does not want us to end up sad, alone, and lacking. No, actually He wants us to love, share, be joyful in all situations (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) andddd reap a harvest. He wants us to prosper and, guess what?... We are allowed to want that as well(3 John 1:2). As long as we are living and trusting our lives with His will, there is no shame in being blessed. Funny how God is never the guy we make Him out to be, always cooler, always better, always beyond expectation.
His Words..not mine
"He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters"
— 2 Samuel 22:17
— 2 Samuel 22:17
Friday, May 20, 2011
Mulligan Please?
Haven't blogged in two weeks. That is a long time, atleast for me. I haven't wanted to write or talk or do anything but work. My mind has been going ninty to nothing day in and day out. I have even had a tremendous amount of trouble sleeping the last week. I found myself laying in bed just wanting to scream from the inabliity to relax and the hours of tossing and turning in frustration.
My roommate found me awake at 5AM last night watching inspiration network(I figured if I'm awake why not listen to some gospel music instead of 30 minute infomercials?) Couldn't hurt. When I do sleep I have crazy dreams. I don't know what exactly is going on. I'm not upset, stressed, or worried and yet I have this unruly tension that won't leave me. I can't put my finger on it. I'm fine during the day but I can't seem to relax enough to do any of the things I love to do like write. I spend all my time trying to get to that point and the next thing I know I'm alone in the darkness of my apartment waiting for the sun to come up so I can try again tomorrow. It's crazy how the enemy will try to get at you. I've got to create some kind of way to come home from work and just be still for a few minutes. I'm going to ask God for a mulligan for the past two weeks.
"God, you speak in golf terms right? Okay good. Well, I don't know what's going on, but let's fix it. I need another chance to start this summer off your way. Quiet my soul so I can rest. Calm all thoughts that aren't of you. Lay next to me at night when I feel alone. You are a good God, and this will not get the best of me."
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done." -Genesis 50:20
My roommate found me awake at 5AM last night watching inspiration network(I figured if I'm awake why not listen to some gospel music instead of 30 minute infomercials?) Couldn't hurt. When I do sleep I have crazy dreams. I don't know what exactly is going on. I'm not upset, stressed, or worried and yet I have this unruly tension that won't leave me. I can't put my finger on it. I'm fine during the day but I can't seem to relax enough to do any of the things I love to do like write. I spend all my time trying to get to that point and the next thing I know I'm alone in the darkness of my apartment waiting for the sun to come up so I can try again tomorrow. It's crazy how the enemy will try to get at you. I've got to create some kind of way to come home from work and just be still for a few minutes. I'm going to ask God for a mulligan for the past two weeks.
"God, you speak in golf terms right? Okay good. Well, I don't know what's going on, but let's fix it. I need another chance to start this summer off your way. Quiet my soul so I can rest. Calm all thoughts that aren't of you. Lay next to me at night when I feel alone. You are a good God, and this will not get the best of me."
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done." -Genesis 50:20
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Exciting Update
I have created and started my own website guys. Yes, I finally found a layout that suited my fancy and drummmm roll... www.cheaplycharming.com is now alive and kicking! I have major work to do planning and such along with some minor tweaking to do on some of the imaging and widgets but over all I am very pleased to announce it we are up and moving forward!
Being stuck at home with my parents all week, made for a great setting to work and birth this secret I've been dreaming about. I am very excited for this four month summer that has just begun because much can be a accomplished in that time to thrust www.cheaplycharming.com into the much larger blogging realm. Will it be tough? Yes. Am I ready? Hopefully. Either way I'm diving into this blogging abyss head first, fearless. Here we go! Stay tuned!
Being stuck at home with my parents all week, made for a great setting to work and birth this secret I've been dreaming about. I am very excited for this four month summer that has just begun because much can be a accomplished in that time to thrust www.cheaplycharming.com into the much larger blogging realm. Will it be tough? Yes. Am I ready? Hopefully. Either way I'm diving into this blogging abyss head first, fearless. Here we go! Stay tuned!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
48 hours afterwards impact
I'm planted on my laptop at the Starbucks on 31 in Hoover. It's a beautiful day so sitting at a small table outside in the sunshine and breeze is a must. I'm watching everyone drive by as they always do. Still speeding, still cutting people off, still so concerned with the unnecessary hustle and bustle of life. I have not returned to such a state yet after Wednesday's tornado experience. In the moment we were so unconcerned, but walking through the waste of what was left has left an unforgettable movie of devastation in my mind. Unspeakably bad. No words or pictures will ever do justice to what we saw, but above is a glimpse of what we were walking through.
It does something to you. Not in a bad way, but in a strange way. I got a very real wake up call to how much my life is not in my own hands. It never has been. What will come, will come. You could call this a disaster, as it appears, or you could call it an awakening, a cleansing, a new beginning. I spent 48 hours with no power, no Internet and no phone service. We walked miles and miles, and you know what? We were just fine. In fact, I met more people in those 48 hours than I've met in years, I prayed with more people, noticed things, and felt the strangest feeling that this was not an end but a way to shake the scales from a lot of eyes. Maybe the best way to wake up a dying city, is just to shake it up enough to remind it that it's still very much alive. People were alive. Not only that, they were actually living as the hands and feet of Jesus even when they weren't aware of it, running to help anywhere they could.
Hope was flowing like a river, the ones with their eyes open, saw it everywhere. The shadows prove there is sunshine friends.
Monday, April 25, 2011
You speak to storms
What if you could always turn your fear to joy? That'd be nice. Surely, there is a button I can press or a quote I can read.
No?
Well, what about a book, or a movie, maybe even a podcast! That should do it!
No?
What is it then? What is it that has torn the misery away and made me so hopeful, so peaceful, and actually thriving for life again?
Here's the truth, I didn't do anything, I didn't blare worship music to numb my thoughts, I didn't read another chapter of my latest Elisabeth Elliot book or fill my bestfriend's ear full of questions. No, it was a typical morning when I was driving to class, in silence when I just spoke the words out loud. I'm not even sure what came over me but it felt good to finally say it so simply,
"I need You today. I don't know what that means, but You do and I need You."
I felt my eyes filling like buckets about to spill over. I haven't been able to cry in a long time. I didn't need to explain myself, or rationalize what is in my best interest, I just asked and things changed. My thoughts changed, my hope changed, and finally my vigor for life has began to flow again right along side of my tears. It's strange how people can get to such a hopeless state. I had always considered myself an optimist, how did someone like me find myself drowning in doubt? It can happen to anyone. The trick is getting out. It's simple, you just ask. For many who have over thought it, the asking is too simple an answer for their complex circumstances. We want God to send us a letter personally explaining the state we are in or have Him connect the next dot for us on a map so we can feel secure. Even the disciples found themselves in a frenzy from time to time, like in Mark when they're on the boat in the storm and Jesus is asleep down stairs. Panicked they run down and wake Jesus up saying, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?!" (Mark 4:38)
I feel like I've said the same thing. You always want to think you'd be the one who says "No guys, it'll be fine, I'm not worried" but there I was, twenty one and on my knees saying "I'm drowning, I need You." That's all He wants though and BAM the storm stopped raging. Amazing.
No?
Well, what about a book, or a movie, maybe even a podcast! That should do it!
No?
What is it then? What is it that has torn the misery away and made me so hopeful, so peaceful, and actually thriving for life again?
Here's the truth, I didn't do anything, I didn't blare worship music to numb my thoughts, I didn't read another chapter of my latest Elisabeth Elliot book or fill my bestfriend's ear full of questions. No, it was a typical morning when I was driving to class, in silence when I just spoke the words out loud. I'm not even sure what came over me but it felt good to finally say it so simply,
"I need You today. I don't know what that means, but You do and I need You."
I felt my eyes filling like buckets about to spill over. I haven't been able to cry in a long time. I didn't need to explain myself, or rationalize what is in my best interest, I just asked and things changed. My thoughts changed, my hope changed, and finally my vigor for life has began to flow again right along side of my tears. It's strange how people can get to such a hopeless state. I had always considered myself an optimist, how did someone like me find myself drowning in doubt? It can happen to anyone. The trick is getting out. It's simple, you just ask. For many who have over thought it, the asking is too simple an answer for their complex circumstances. We want God to send us a letter personally explaining the state we are in or have Him connect the next dot for us on a map so we can feel secure. Even the disciples found themselves in a frenzy from time to time, like in Mark when they're on the boat in the storm and Jesus is asleep down stairs. Panicked they run down and wake Jesus up saying, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?!" (Mark 4:38)
I feel like I've said the same thing. You always want to think you'd be the one who says "No guys, it'll be fine, I'm not worried" but there I was, twenty one and on my knees saying "I'm drowning, I need You." That's all He wants though and BAM the storm stopped raging. Amazing.
Confessions of a Blog Believer
So, I'm doing the very very very beginning ground work on my monster size dream of launching this site. I have already bought the domain name and my dad has given it a back office on a separate host site. The more I research the more intimidating it gets, but I am a determined little one and even with the realization of this project's difficulty level, I refuse to let it change my mind. By golly, I am going to do it.
I am still in the finding the right layout stage, I know what I want, but finding it amongst the thousands out there is harder that I would have thought. Designing it will be even trickier since I'm an amateur and I will literally have to do the in depth coding and linking and such myself. Which is a major task, but with summer only days away I'm itching to learn and teach myself.
The details will have to be worked out as I go, right now it's about finding the skeleton. The rest will come, the planning will be fun and doing it will be even more exciting. Moving a right a long, one baby step at a time.
I am still in the finding the right layout stage, I know what I want, but finding it amongst the thousands out there is harder that I would have thought. Designing it will be even trickier since I'm an amateur and I will literally have to do the in depth coding and linking and such myself. Which is a major task, but with summer only days away I'm itching to learn and teach myself.
The details will have to be worked out as I go, right now it's about finding the skeleton. The rest will come, the planning will be fun and doing it will be even more exciting. Moving a right a long, one baby step at a time.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Something to be excited about
Do dreams come true? Depends on the dreamer in my opinion. For the last five or six months I've been on some weird slump where I all my dreams seemed shattered and my favorite miserable thing to do was stare at all the pieces. Yeah, depressing, I know. BUT I have rebounded back to my old self driven, determined mindset and I'm ready to rock and roll.
I've been playing with the idea of launching my own website separate from my blog. Honestly, I have been testing myself to see if I can truly dedicate my time to such a task and after this year's consistency, I've finally cranked myself into high gear, ready to make the next appropriate move. I've been doing secret research on the "ins and outs" of web building and what it takes to actually bring in a reliable crowd. The more I think about it the more I get excited. I've found several examples that I plan to base my layout on and the rest will come from my absurd thoughts..Yes, I get to finally put them to use!
I have decided on a domain name and I am in the process of purchasing it as we speak. Hopefully I'll be starting the building process on wordpress within the next couple days. I've got a lot of tactics to read more into and a lot of article planning to do but I am extremely excited about spending my summer really getting all the bare bones in place.
I am not revealing any details, themes, or ideas about it yet because, well, that'd be no fun. I will be blogging as I go about the proceedings and potentially asking for further ideas so stay tuned. The future is as bright as you want it to be and as my title states, the shadows prove there is sunshine, and I'm ready for some heat. I've been laying in the shadows for too long.
I've been playing with the idea of launching my own website separate from my blog. Honestly, I have been testing myself to see if I can truly dedicate my time to such a task and after this year's consistency, I've finally cranked myself into high gear, ready to make the next appropriate move. I've been doing secret research on the "ins and outs" of web building and what it takes to actually bring in a reliable crowd. The more I think about it the more I get excited. I've found several examples that I plan to base my layout on and the rest will come from my absurd thoughts..Yes, I get to finally put them to use!
I have decided on a domain name and I am in the process of purchasing it as we speak. Hopefully I'll be starting the building process on wordpress within the next couple days. I've got a lot of tactics to read more into and a lot of article planning to do but I am extremely excited about spending my summer really getting all the bare bones in place.
I am not revealing any details, themes, or ideas about it yet because, well, that'd be no fun. I will be blogging as I go about the proceedings and potentially asking for further ideas so stay tuned. The future is as bright as you want it to be and as my title states, the shadows prove there is sunshine, and I'm ready for some heat. I've been laying in the shadows for too long.
Monday, April 18, 2011
In a listing mood..
I am going to do something different, I am going to make a bucket list. Ready? Okay good here we go..(first few will be generic)
1. Graduate from UA (sounds normal but I have been over school since sophomore year, so it will be a mile marker for sure when I finally get done.)
2. Find a job that is only fun because I'm young and be excellent at it.
3. Eventually have a blog that brings in money even if it's just money I put into savings seperate from my income.
4. Publish something outside of the internet.
5. Have a craft room in my house after I get married where I can retreat for a few hours while the hubby watches sports or spends time with the boys
6. Play tennis in a league when I'm older (Ok, it'll probably be a mom league since I'm terrible but I think it's be fun if I stayed consistant)
7. Actually do 10 of my most favorite DIY projects (hmm that sounds like a fun post for later)
8. Run a half marathon and then perhaps a whole one if I can work up the determination -subpoint: run a half somewhere really fun and unusual TBA
9. Fly in a helicoptor over a waterfall.. (I have dreamed about doing this for years now)
10. visit Niagra Falls, The Grand Canyon, and Australia,
11. Raise a dog from puppy days til death.
12. Buy a car I would actually want to drive.
13. Own a house that I can love for years and years and years.
1. Graduate from UA (sounds normal but I have been over school since sophomore year, so it will be a mile marker for sure when I finally get done.)
2. Find a job that is only fun because I'm young and be excellent at it.
3. Eventually have a blog that brings in money even if it's just money I put into savings seperate from my income.
4. Publish something outside of the internet.
5. Have a craft room in my house after I get married where I can retreat for a few hours while the hubby watches sports or spends time with the boys
6. Play tennis in a league when I'm older (Ok, it'll probably be a mom league since I'm terrible but I think it's be fun if I stayed consistant)
7. Actually do 10 of my most favorite DIY projects (hmm that sounds like a fun post for later)
8. Run a half marathon and then perhaps a whole one if I can work up the determination -subpoint: run a half somewhere really fun and unusual TBA
9. Fly in a helicoptor over a waterfall.. (I have dreamed about doing this for years now)
10. visit Niagra Falls, The Grand Canyon, and Australia,
11. Raise a dog from puppy days til death.
12. Buy a car I would actually want to drive.
13. Own a house that I can love for years and years and years.
Jesus doesn't studder
"Jesus' word remain or abide (in Him, in His love), repeated ten times in John 15, means being at home in Him, living constantly in His presence and in harmony with His will."
Well, to continue my Elliot theme, I have yet another quote that I wanted to share. I have been meaning to read John 15 for weeks now and for some reason, I hadn't until today. If you haven't read it, no, actually even if you have read it lately, get your bible out and read it again. When Jesus repeats things, it's not because the man had a studder, it's because whatever it is, is very important.
(My secret theory is that He knew people, like myself, with ADD would need it repeated multiple times before it finally sinks in.)
Like a broken record His voice answers my never ending questions and thoughts,
I'm worried..
"Abide in Me."
I don't know what I'm doing..
"Abide in my word"
But how is this going to work?
"Kendall, remain in me and I'll remain in you."
That's it?
"When you obey me, you remain in my love, where my love is, my joy is also."
ohh..
Well, to continue my Elliot theme, I have yet another quote that I wanted to share. I have been meaning to read John 15 for weeks now and for some reason, I hadn't until today. If you haven't read it, no, actually even if you have read it lately, get your bible out and read it again. When Jesus repeats things, it's not because the man had a studder, it's because whatever it is, is very important.
(My secret theory is that He knew people, like myself, with ADD would need it repeated multiple times before it finally sinks in.)
Like a broken record His voice answers my never ending questions and thoughts,
I'm worried..
"Abide in Me."
I don't know what I'm doing..
"Abide in my word"
But how is this going to work?
"Kendall, remain in me and I'll remain in you."
That's it?
"When you obey me, you remain in my love, where my love is, my joy is also."
ohh..
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Those old words
"He who had led will lead
All through the wilderness
He who hath fed, will surely feed
He who had heard thy cry
Will never close His ear
He who hath marked thy faintest sigh
will not forget thy tears
He loveth always, faileth never
So rest on Him Today-forever"
-Amy Carmichael
All through the wilderness
He who hath fed, will surely feed
He who had heard thy cry
Will never close His ear
He who hath marked thy faintest sigh
will not forget thy tears
He loveth always, faileth never
So rest on Him Today-forever"
-Amy Carmichael
Friday, April 15, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
"I won't break a promise" -God
I've been thinking about what I taught my little girls on Wednesday night a lot. It was on God promising Abraham and Sarah a child, not only that, but that he will be the father to millions of people and many nations and kings. As the story goes for those who need refreshing, God makes this promise to Abraham and many years go by. In fact He and Sarah realize that Sarah is barren and that having a child looks impossible. So, at eighty years old Abraham fathers a child with Sarah's servant. This child is what will later lead to all the Middle Eastern countries (crazy). Anyway, twenty years later, when Abraham is breaching a hundred years old, God comes to him and lets him know that the covenant they made still stands true and that he and Sarah will have their own child within a year. They do and this child's lineage is exactly as God promised.
For me, this is a story that I've heard over and over since I was a kid, never once has it moved me or made me come to any real revelation, that is, until I had to teach it. I actually got choked up talking to them, explaining that I have felt the way Abraham probably felt all those years ago. I have and still am in a situation where I sit sometimes and say, "God, I don't know how you're going to work this one out. It looks impossible, not to mention I tried to fix it myself and now I've messed it up too bad. I've ruined it." It looked like since Sarah was barren and that they were old that having a natural child was impossible. It looked like God hadn't kept His promise, after all, why had He let them get so old? It didn't make sense. So, they took it into their own hands giving Abraham the servant to have a child with. Now they have this child, but not from Sarah. It looks like they have messed everything up. In a human mind, our thought process is, "I've messed up, I don't deserve to have God come through. I don't deserve to have Him keep His promise, not now. I should have trusted Him, how will I ever be worthy again of that promise?"
God's a nice guy though. He shows up twenty years after Abraham had taken the situation into his own hands and says, "Hey, remember that time I made a promise to you, I meant it. You're still going to have that son. No, I don't care that you took it into your own hands. You see, you may break promises, but I don't, ever."
I have to smile at the thought. So often to we come to a place where it looks as though God hasn't come through, in our minds it's too late and the situation has become impossible, so we take it into our own hands. Then, when it crumbles into a thousand pieces we wonder how we'll ever pick up that many pieces and put them back together again. I know I've been there and will come there again, but God doesn't break promises. He doesn't. He's never late. He doesn't forget and He doesn't need us to put the broken pieces back together to make everything work out. He is the Creator and He always has something for us if we'd just relinquish the hold we have on our failures. It's His joy to redeem and give. Even when it seems impossible, God has the ability to make a way if we'll just trust. If we'll just place the pieces in His hands and believe He'll make beautiful things out of dust. Trust that His will is better, His timing is better, and His way is beyond a shadow of a doubt, better.
For me, this is a story that I've heard over and over since I was a kid, never once has it moved me or made me come to any real revelation, that is, until I had to teach it. I actually got choked up talking to them, explaining that I have felt the way Abraham probably felt all those years ago. I have and still am in a situation where I sit sometimes and say, "God, I don't know how you're going to work this one out. It looks impossible, not to mention I tried to fix it myself and now I've messed it up too bad. I've ruined it." It looked like since Sarah was barren and that they were old that having a natural child was impossible. It looked like God hadn't kept His promise, after all, why had He let them get so old? It didn't make sense. So, they took it into their own hands giving Abraham the servant to have a child with. Now they have this child, but not from Sarah. It looks like they have messed everything up. In a human mind, our thought process is, "I've messed up, I don't deserve to have God come through. I don't deserve to have Him keep His promise, not now. I should have trusted Him, how will I ever be worthy again of that promise?"
God's a nice guy though. He shows up twenty years after Abraham had taken the situation into his own hands and says, "Hey, remember that time I made a promise to you, I meant it. You're still going to have that son. No, I don't care that you took it into your own hands. You see, you may break promises, but I don't, ever."
I have to smile at the thought. So often to we come to a place where it looks as though God hasn't come through, in our minds it's too late and the situation has become impossible, so we take it into our own hands. Then, when it crumbles into a thousand pieces we wonder how we'll ever pick up that many pieces and put them back together again. I know I've been there and will come there again, but God doesn't break promises. He doesn't. He's never late. He doesn't forget and He doesn't need us to put the broken pieces back together to make everything work out. He is the Creator and He always has something for us if we'd just relinquish the hold we have on our failures. It's His joy to redeem and give. Even when it seems impossible, God has the ability to make a way if we'll just trust. If we'll just place the pieces in His hands and believe He'll make beautiful things out of dust. Trust that His will is better, His timing is better, and His way is beyond a shadow of a doubt, better.
A waviering step
Every time I've tried to write lately, I've been so honest that often the words I've written I don't even want to read, too personal, too much blood from too deep. So, I've decided to leave them as drafts, to come back to later. Uncertainty, friends, is a murderer. It sneaks in when while your life is busy and cuts you deep in your most tender spots when you're alone. I found myself in the middle of good times, somehow dying on the inside with unresolved plans and unanswered questions. Where to next? Am I doing everything I'm supposed to? Am I being a good enough friend? Am I supposed to just be a social worker? Am I supposed to move back to Birmingham after graduation? What if I decided to switch jobs, can I be as successful as I think I'll be? Will lack of money be the straw that breaks the camel's back before I even get started? The questions could go on for days. I don't very often let anyone know that I think so much. People say it's always better to keep your mouth shut, and so, I do almost always these days.
In the midst of many emotions last night, I sat on my couch in tears, wondering if I'd made all the right decisions, wondering about people I may have hurt without realizing it, and how I have no words or place to even say anything. Do I know everything will be alright? Yes. Did it feel alright last night? No. I do not like conflict, and the tension from it is enough to drive me crazy. I'm a peace maker, a problem solver and an issue addressee. So, coming to the conclusion that doing nothing is the answer was a tough bullet to bite. Why am I going to do nothing? Quite frankly, that's the only peace I got after I prayed about it. So, that was yesterday, this is today. I am leaving my hand on the plow and not looking back. Father, give me love so that I may not waiver in step. Your light is only thing that guides my way.
In the midst of many emotions last night, I sat on my couch in tears, wondering if I'd made all the right decisions, wondering about people I may have hurt without realizing it, and how I have no words or place to even say anything. Do I know everything will be alright? Yes. Did it feel alright last night? No. I do not like conflict, and the tension from it is enough to drive me crazy. I'm a peace maker, a problem solver and an issue addressee. So, coming to the conclusion that doing nothing is the answer was a tough bullet to bite. Why am I going to do nothing? Quite frankly, that's the only peace I got after I prayed about it. So, that was yesterday, this is today. I am leaving my hand on the plow and not looking back. Father, give me love so that I may not waiver in step. Your light is only thing that guides my way.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Quote of the week
"The disposition to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even existence of the life of self." -T.C. Upham
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Fun enough?
This weekend I came to self revelation. I've had this inner battle going on for, well, years now. It's this battle of whether I am fun enough. I know it sounds ridiculous and dumb, but let me explain. At the very core of me, I am a home body. I love a good laugh, and having fun with my friends (who doesn't?), but at the end of every day including the weekends, I just want to come home and relax. On the flip side, I don't like coming home to an empty house or these days an empty apartment. There is nothing I seem to love more from memories or current moments then walking in and plopping on the couch with a bestfriend. As much of a planner as I am, my most treasured moments are those where nothing really happened other than a great conversation or the uncontrollable laugh that hurts your cheek muscles later.
To explain how I came to this thought let me explain the situation that lead me there. I was discussing with a friend about people going to a bar to hear another friend play and sing. I immediately thought, "Nope not going, no exceptions, you can drop me off at home." The decision was made without a second thought. The intentions behind the decision was what kept me quiet the whole trip home. You see, I didn't say no because of guilt from being a leader in a ministry, I didn't say no because I just wasn't in the mood, and I didn't say no because I was 'just tired'. The truth is, I don't like going out. Whether morals play into it or not, it's just never been my scene. Does that make me lame? Not fun? Maybe. Either way, that's who I am. I'm a craft making, board game playing, movie watching, blogging 21 year old. My roommates occasionally walk in on me making random crafts in the den listening to oldies. I have read more books in the last four years than in my whole life combined. Do I love hosting events and talking to people, absolutely, but when it's over it's time to go home and get away I am more than ready. I always think as I leave that I've lost some kind of playful fun spirit, but truthfully, I've always been that way and now that I'm older, it's not so strange. Fun to me means good times with a small circle of people, whether it's my roommates, my bestfriends, or my future spouse and our life and that is totally okay. If I'm trying to be fun for anyone else, then there is something wrong.
To explain how I came to this thought let me explain the situation that lead me there. I was discussing with a friend about people going to a bar to hear another friend play and sing. I immediately thought, "Nope not going, no exceptions, you can drop me off at home." The decision was made without a second thought. The intentions behind the decision was what kept me quiet the whole trip home. You see, I didn't say no because of guilt from being a leader in a ministry, I didn't say no because I just wasn't in the mood, and I didn't say no because I was 'just tired'. The truth is, I don't like going out. Whether morals play into it or not, it's just never been my scene. Does that make me lame? Not fun? Maybe. Either way, that's who I am. I'm a craft making, board game playing, movie watching, blogging 21 year old. My roommates occasionally walk in on me making random crafts in the den listening to oldies. I have read more books in the last four years than in my whole life combined. Do I love hosting events and talking to people, absolutely, but when it's over it's time to go home and get away I am more than ready. I always think as I leave that I've lost some kind of playful fun spirit, but truthfully, I've always been that way and now that I'm older, it's not so strange. Fun to me means good times with a small circle of people, whether it's my roommates, my bestfriends, or my future spouse and our life and that is totally okay. If I'm trying to be fun for anyone else, then there is something wrong.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
A green world under gray skies
It's been a rainy week. Day after day I've walked to class across our large campus with that annoying mist hitting my face and that eerie chill spiking the hairs on my arms. The sun seemed no where to be found. Clouds spanned from every direction. Today was no exception. As I traveled back to my car I passed through a football sized parking lot. The asphalt mixed with the shades of gray spanning the sky made me feel like I was walking through life in black and white. I reached the edge of the lot where I would cross a street to a church right off campus (my car was parked right behind it). As I glance right then left I then lifted my eyes forward to the church yard that caught my eyes with it's vibrant shades of green. The grass and bushes were so green they might as well have been glowing compared to the dimness of the rest of the world. It made me smile. "Of course", I thought. It is from being under days of gray skies that brings such lush growth. It is through the rain that things are cleaned, renewed, even born again. Praise God for such days. For there in our dimmest of days God is pruning us for ripeness, cutting off the dead and making us green again.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Quote of the Day
"God is God. Because He is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest no where but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to." -Elisabeth Elliot
A resounding theme
It's almost becoming a resounding theme of my blog. Yep, you guessed it. Elisabeth Elliot again. While reading Keep a Quiet Heart today, I came to a conclusion. Of all the things I've gotten from reading her words the most important is probably the most simple. God, as complex as He is, does not speak to us complexly. Sometimes God gives us a disinct direction and we choose to worry about the how and whys and circumstances. None of that matters though.
When He says "Go" we are only to go, not to understand and then go, just go. When He says, "No, not right now, wait on Me" we are not to complain, or try to make it happen on our own. His answers are not to be over thought, analyzed or altered for our liking, they are simply to be done.
Why do we make this so hard? I'm still working on that answer, but in the mean time, I will love, pray and ask not what is next for me but what I can do next for Him.
When He says "Go" we are only to go, not to understand and then go, just go. When He says, "No, not right now, wait on Me" we are not to complain, or try to make it happen on our own. His answers are not to be over thought, analyzed or altered for our liking, they are simply to be done.
Why do we make this so hard? I'm still working on that answer, but in the mean time, I will love, pray and ask not what is next for me but what I can do next for Him.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Today made sense
Today is full of joy. A joy and peace that has me so shocked I don't know what to make of it. My roommate sat next to me as a moment passed that should not have been so calm and yet in my calmest voice I told her, "today, it makes sense." I wish I could express how insanely crazy it was for tears of joy to run down my cheeks for no reason at all. I kept telling her, I shouldn't feel this way! It's so bizarre that you would have had to have seen me to understand the complete unnatural peace that was upon me, that is upon me. Sometimes God shows up when you haven't asked, when you haven't prayed or hoped He would. He just comes and in the most undeniable way, I understand just how real He is, just how real He moves, touches, holds, speaks. In this moment, I know that He is for me. I know that He is truly good. His words are real because today, He let me feel them.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Apparently.. yes
"Wouldn't a mere simple request from God to trust Him be sufficient? Is it absolutely necessary for Him to yank out of sight whatever we most prize, to drag us into spiritual traumas of the severest sort, to strip us naked in the winds of His purifying spirit in order that we should learn to trust?" -Elisabeth Elliot
Friday, March 18, 2011
in the wake of murdered plans
The right thing to do is to be quiet. Deal with your thoughts in secret. Telling people just makes you seem like you can't handle everything. It makes your faith look weak. Who wants to be that vulnerable? Not you. .....not me..
I am weak. My biggest flaw is doubt. I daily fight to conquer my fear that I've already had the best moments of my life and my future is only the after math. I have moments where I think I'm always going to be living in the wake of my murdered plans, what kind of life is that? It's partly true, because I am living in the wake of my dead plans, but it's a lie that I've already been as happy as I'll ever be. I am very capable of being happy. Most days I am smiling, confident and hopeful roughly 90% of the time. The other 10% I spend reminding myself 'you're better off this way, believe it.'
Behind my fluttering confidence is the phrase "thy will be done" because on the days I raise my white flag and admit some moments still come with a sting, I have to believe it's His will. I have to stand on those four words because there is nothing I know to be more suitable. Whether it's as easy as my best days or as gut wrenching as my worst if I can just speak those words, I know He hears me. He's walking with me step for step. He doesn't just love my smile, or the wrinkles I get around my eyes with I'm happy, He loves me with angry fists, He loves me with gray streams of shame flowing down my cheeks and defeat in my voice, He loves my hiccup sobs and my snotty nose when I'm crying so hard I can barly breathe. He doesn't love us any less in moments where we seem love ourselves less. He loves us. Period. Thy will be done.
I am weak. My biggest flaw is doubt. I daily fight to conquer my fear that I've already had the best moments of my life and my future is only the after math. I have moments where I think I'm always going to be living in the wake of my murdered plans, what kind of life is that? It's partly true, because I am living in the wake of my dead plans, but it's a lie that I've already been as happy as I'll ever be. I am very capable of being happy. Most days I am smiling, confident and hopeful roughly 90% of the time. The other 10% I spend reminding myself 'you're better off this way, believe it.'
Behind my fluttering confidence is the phrase "thy will be done" because on the days I raise my white flag and admit some moments still come with a sting, I have to believe it's His will. I have to stand on those four words because there is nothing I know to be more suitable. Whether it's as easy as my best days or as gut wrenching as my worst if I can just speak those words, I know He hears me. He's walking with me step for step. He doesn't just love my smile, or the wrinkles I get around my eyes with I'm happy, He loves me with angry fists, He loves me with gray streams of shame flowing down my cheeks and defeat in my voice, He loves my hiccup sobs and my snotty nose when I'm crying so hard I can barly breathe. He doesn't love us any less in moments where we seem love ourselves less. He loves us. Period. Thy will be done.
She knows me
"If my life is once surrendered, all is well. Let me not grab it back as though it were in peril in His hands and somehow safer in my own."
-Elisabeth Elliot
-Elisabeth Elliot
Monday, March 7, 2011
You're staring at the Ceiling
About a year ago, God started painting me a picture of people under an evening sky in a field. There in that moment everything was pure and full of gratefulness of the true Creator. I can't count the times I'll be just going about my day and that picture will flash infront of all the other rubbish I'm thinking.
It's interesting for me to think about because the truth is majesty dwells above us every single night and yet for most of us who live in large towns or cities, the lights of man have distorted our view of this unbelieveable universe that God originally made our eyes to be able to see. In a way desensitizing us to it. I heard a song on the radio this morning on the way to class and some of the lyrics were,
It's interesting for me to think about because the truth is majesty dwells above us every single night and yet for most of us who live in large towns or cities, the lights of man have distorted our view of this unbelieveable universe that God originally made our eyes to be able to see. In a way desensitizing us to it. I heard a song on the radio this morning on the way to class and some of the lyrics were,
"you're staring at the ceiling
but the stars are out tonight."
All I could think about was how people flock to churches to worship, raising there hands and eyes to the Father, and yet when they walk out the doors they never bother to look back up. I'm not against that atmosphere by any means, but sometimes we forget how big God is until we see his majesty all around us, not in the innovations of man but in the rawness of what has always been and always will be. I just want to look at those people and say, "you're staring at the ceiling, but the stars are out tonight!"
"He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since He is the Lord of heaven and earth, He doesn't live in man made temples." -Acts 17:24
"He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since He is the Lord of heaven and earth, He doesn't live in man made temples." -Acts 17:24
My Cup Has Met My Portion
Free, liberated, light, burden free, somber, calm, peaceful, beautiful, strong, restored.
All of these words could describe my spirit currently. I have a lot I want to write about or speak about but then when it comes to doing it, I'm so peaceful that I can't bring myself to say anything but God is good.
I've been at this undescribable place where my cup has recognized my potion and I feel full, healthy, lacking nothing. I was talking to a good friend a few nights ago because I could just feel we were at similar places. She described it as this place of soaking, like God has you in this unbelieveable hug and in that moment all is well. She said at first it felt strange to be like that because she wasn't yelling or crying out or reaching for God and she wondered, "God is it enough for you? Is it enough for me to just sit here?" She smiled and then told me God whispered, "I see your heart, no one else has too." I loved that.
All is well with my soul.
All of these words could describe my spirit currently. I have a lot I want to write about or speak about but then when it comes to doing it, I'm so peaceful that I can't bring myself to say anything but God is good.
I've been at this undescribable place where my cup has recognized my potion and I feel full, healthy, lacking nothing. I was talking to a good friend a few nights ago because I could just feel we were at similar places. She described it as this place of soaking, like God has you in this unbelieveable hug and in that moment all is well. She said at first it felt strange to be like that because she wasn't yelling or crying out or reaching for God and she wondered, "God is it enough for you? Is it enough for me to just sit here?" She smiled and then told me God whispered, "I see your heart, no one else has too." I loved that.
All is well with my soul.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
A dead man's perfume
I had a really different idea of what I wanted to talk about tonight, and then I realized that everything I was going to say served no real purpose. They were empty words. Someone else had posted this picture. They didn't write anything. I saw it and wanted to move on to look at more lively or entertaining things, but I just couldn't. All I could think about was crows. When I see crows it always means something has died. The thing about this picture is there are a lot of crows so this must be some sticking rotting carcass to be attracting so many. The thought made me smile.
"Yet God forbid that I should boast about anything or anybody but the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, which means the world is dead to me and I am a dead man to this world." -Galatians 6:14
Bring on the crows.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Untainted Eyes
After class tonight with my 5th, 6th, and 7th grade girls I was standing around chatting with a few of them. One girl, Brinkley (I love her name so I never forget it) wasn't saying much. She just stared at me, so I gave her my attention assuming she had a question to ask.
All she said was, "I can't take my eyes off you, you're beautiful."
I say this humbly, her words were so pure and genuine that they penetrated all of my self prospective walls. This little girl made me truly feel beautiful. It makes my eyes well up with moisture that I wish I were better able to conceal.
The Lord's really been revealing to me how much He likes to use children and their faith that requires no knowledge or logic. Children believe without reason and that gives them the ability to trust and ingest things that maturation often steals.
This girl said I was beautiful without cliche', without vanity, without ulterior motive, without corrupted perspective and that is why my spirit let it pass so freely to the very core of who I am. I recognized that she could see what I can't see. We are all beautiful, but to hear it so unadulterated, gave me for a brief moment, a glimpse of myself through the untainted eyes of a child. I am thankful for that.
All she said was, "I can't take my eyes off you, you're beautiful."
I say this humbly, her words were so pure and genuine that they penetrated all of my self prospective walls. This little girl made me truly feel beautiful. It makes my eyes well up with moisture that I wish I were better able to conceal.
The Lord's really been revealing to me how much He likes to use children and their faith that requires no knowledge or logic. Children believe without reason and that gives them the ability to trust and ingest things that maturation often steals.
This girl said I was beautiful without cliche', without vanity, without ulterior motive, without corrupted perspective and that is why my spirit let it pass so freely to the very core of who I am. I recognized that she could see what I can't see. We are all beautiful, but to hear it so unadulterated, gave me for a brief moment, a glimpse of myself through the untainted eyes of a child. I am thankful for that.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Treading Water
Ever feel like you're just treading water, barley keeping your head above the surface? Waiting for that moment where you can press your feet on something stable again. I get that way every once in while. Where I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions that if I could just regain focus maybe I could hold it all together.
Those are the moments where I feel God remind me,
"You don't need to carry that. Stop trying to hold it all together, that's my job. Keep your eyes on Me. Don't concern yourself with the what-ifs of later. Be here, right here in this moment. And what ever it takes, love. Love and let yourself remember how loved you are. My love endures forever and even in the midst of chaos, my love is there waiting for you. Let my love rescue you from raging seas. Look only to Me and I'll be the rock you can stand on. Let my love shield you from the pouring rain. Let my love fill you till it over flows into the mess around you. I will finish what I have started. You don't need to worry."
Those are the moments where I feel God remind me,
"You don't need to carry that. Stop trying to hold it all together, that's my job. Keep your eyes on Me. Don't concern yourself with the what-ifs of later. Be here, right here in this moment. And what ever it takes, love. Love and let yourself remember how loved you are. My love endures forever and even in the midst of chaos, my love is there waiting for you. Let my love rescue you from raging seas. Look only to Me and I'll be the rock you can stand on. Let my love shield you from the pouring rain. Let my love fill you till it over flows into the mess around you. I will finish what I have started. You don't need to worry."
Monday, February 21, 2011
Jehoviah Nissi
You never leave me.
You hold me tight when the dark rolls in.
I am trusting in You.
In this hurricane I stand firm on Your promise.
I cry out Jehovah Nissi
Your name will be my banner in this battle.
You are faithful til the end.
You restore my soul.
Your peace transcends understanding
Your words light my way
You are always good
When all else seems bad.
Even in the moments I can't feel You
You are there
Never for one moment forgetting me.
You hold me tight when the dark rolls in.
I am trusting in You.
In this hurricane I stand firm on Your promise.
I cry out Jehovah Nissi
Your name will be my banner in this battle.
You are faithful til the end.
You restore my soul.
Your peace transcends understanding
Your words light my way
You are always good
When all else seems bad.
Even in the moments I can't feel You
You are there
Never for one moment forgetting me.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Today, He was My Refuge
You restore my heart oh, Lord
You bring peace to my chaos
You draw me near you,
In the midst of all these people,
You calm my soul.
This small moment with you
brings arms of refuge
It's a waterfall of comfort
that falls from my my head to my feet
Your love seals me from the rain
and I am only soaked by
awareness of how well you take care of me
when I let You.
Beautiful surrender is the fire of Your embrace.
All worry melts to the floor.
You bring peace to my chaos
You draw me near you,
In the midst of all these people,
You calm my soul.
This small moment with you
brings arms of refuge
It's a waterfall of comfort
that falls from my my head to my feet
Your love seals me from the rain
and I am only soaked by
awareness of how well you take care of me
when I let You.
Beautiful surrender is the fire of Your embrace.
All worry melts to the floor.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Here goes nothing
I hate what I'm about to write but it's like word vomit, as hard as I am trying to ignore it, and hold it in, it just does not seem possible. Ugh. Literally, I know once I write it that I'm obligated, that my mentality has to change, that I'm committed and quitting is not an option.
I do not like the idea of "commitment". Let me explain what I'm referencing. I am talking about that thing girls do where they feel like God has called them to a season of no dating and then by the end of it they end up with some awesome boyfriend waiting hand and foot for them. Here's why I don't like it. I went through a period of time where I was more than glad to not be dating anyone. No one I knew seemed sufficient anyway and spending time with God was easy, I mean what else did I have to do? That sounds a whole lot like the same season those girls talked about only mine was not something I had to choose. I was happy to be right where I was. Now, the truth of matter currently is...
I've gotten away from that care free state I once lived so freely in. It makes me mad at myself. Why do I want someone now? Why am I not fully satisfied sometimes? It's frustrating. And I can feel God telling me that, that's what the commitment is for. Before, loving God and God alone was not something I had to make myself do. Now it's about choosing Him. Choosing Him doesn't just mean saying no to everything else, but actively pursuing with everything in me. Dedication takes effort and I realize that this may be harder than I want to admit, not because I even have other options, but because I know there are parts of me that have been riding this journey on autopilot. I've fought doing this for a couple weeks now because I wanted my motives to be right, but God's been whispering, stop worrying about that, stop over thinking, just say yes and trust me. How long? Something in my gut says August, but if it's longer than so be it. I've officially become one of those girls, reluctantly.
This should be interesting.
I do not like the idea of "commitment". Let me explain what I'm referencing. I am talking about that thing girls do where they feel like God has called them to a season of no dating and then by the end of it they end up with some awesome boyfriend waiting hand and foot for them. Here's why I don't like it. I went through a period of time where I was more than glad to not be dating anyone. No one I knew seemed sufficient anyway and spending time with God was easy, I mean what else did I have to do? That sounds a whole lot like the same season those girls talked about only mine was not something I had to choose. I was happy to be right where I was. Now, the truth of matter currently is...
I've gotten away from that care free state I once lived so freely in. It makes me mad at myself. Why do I want someone now? Why am I not fully satisfied sometimes? It's frustrating. And I can feel God telling me that, that's what the commitment is for. Before, loving God and God alone was not something I had to make myself do. Now it's about choosing Him. Choosing Him doesn't just mean saying no to everything else, but actively pursuing with everything in me. Dedication takes effort and I realize that this may be harder than I want to admit, not because I even have other options, but because I know there are parts of me that have been riding this journey on autopilot. I've fought doing this for a couple weeks now because I wanted my motives to be right, but God's been whispering, stop worrying about that, stop over thinking, just say yes and trust me. How long? Something in my gut says August, but if it's longer than so be it. I've officially become one of those girls, reluctantly.
This should be interesting.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Love So Sweet
Something I've realized about myself is that I've been going about my life trying to live up to all the misconceptions about myself. That I need to be better at this, that I'm a christian so I ought to speak like this or talk this way or give off a certain persona. I waste tons of time thinking about what I should be or need to be that I have lost sight of the one thing I know to be true. I am His child. Nothing else even matters. At the end of the day we are all His children. All lost, yet somehow all found in the arms of mercy if we so choose. He doesn't want anything but for us to let Him love us so that we may share that love with people who have never known something so sweet. To be broken for the cause of Christ is far more beautiful that to continually try to hold ourselves together in an already broken world.
Father, may your word continue to be the lamp at my feet. May you guide me step for step, in a rush for nothing, but with a desire that is running.
Father, may your word continue to be the lamp at my feet. May you guide me step for step, in a rush for nothing, but with a desire that is running.
Monday, February 7, 2011
So Legit and So Extremely True
Another reblog from someone else, but it will be for someone. So please read it in case that someone is you.
"I wake up in my own tension daily. Slept through the time I had planned for You and I can hear the accusing one sitting on my shoulder, an inch from me, his voice is like acid, seething yet smooth. It masquerades as truth and yet,
I sit and wait for it. Distorted truth, so tailored, sewn to fit me snug like a straight jacket. Bound, I put my own arms in the sleeves.
'Look at your brokenness.
Look at it. Look at your pieces.
Unlovable.
Look at your situation.
Too many unknowns and fears to move.
You're paralyzed, hopeless.
Look at your emotions.
Too many of them too spread out, most of them wrong.
Some barely exist.
He said you were made for love, did He mean it? He said you were made for Him, did it mean it? Is He really happy with you? How could He be? You've seen yourself.'
And when I am looking at Him, the accuser throws more distractions my way. A blatant attempt to keep me from Him. To keep me closed off and alone.
But my Beloved,
He is King.
And my Beloved,
His eyes are flames of fire, and if you saw how jealous they are for me,
you could not stand in His presence.
I know His eyes are mine and His heart is for me.
And He took my sin
He took it, along with your twisted words and lies void of hope that you've been screaming at me for twenty something years.
Nothing can keep me from Him,
Not my pain, not your lies, not sickness, nor death, not shame, not my sin, not even my own complacency.
Nothing can keep me from the love of my Father.
Oh Beloved, You are the glue that holds me together. Help me to remember when my eye avert You, when I run, when I quench Your spirit and fall apart, You have not left.
You never leave."
"I wake up in my own tension daily. Slept through the time I had planned for You and I can hear the accusing one sitting on my shoulder, an inch from me, his voice is like acid, seething yet smooth. It masquerades as truth and yet,
I sit and wait for it. Distorted truth, so tailored, sewn to fit me snug like a straight jacket. Bound, I put my own arms in the sleeves.
'Look at your brokenness.
Look at it. Look at your pieces.
Unlovable.
Look at your situation.
Too many unknowns and fears to move.
You're paralyzed, hopeless.
Look at your emotions.
Too many of them too spread out, most of them wrong.
Some barely exist.
He said you were made for love, did He mean it? He said you were made for Him, did it mean it? Is He really happy with you? How could He be? You've seen yourself.'
And when I am looking at Him, the accuser throws more distractions my way. A blatant attempt to keep me from Him. To keep me closed off and alone.
But my Beloved,
He is King.
And my Beloved,
His eyes are flames of fire, and if you saw how jealous they are for me,
you could not stand in His presence.
I know His eyes are mine and His heart is for me.
And He took my sin
He took it, along with your twisted words and lies void of hope that you've been screaming at me for twenty something years.
Nothing can keep me from Him,
Not my pain, not your lies, not sickness, nor death, not shame, not my sin, not even my own complacency.
Nothing can keep me from the love of my Father.
Oh Beloved, You are the glue that holds me together. Help me to remember when my eye avert You, when I run, when I quench Your spirit and fall apart, You have not left.
You never leave."
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Had to Reblog, So Read
To reblog on here you, you have to actually type it all out, but I'm totally feeling this post from this girl's blog I always read. She and I had similar revelations this week apparently. Anyway, I want to share it with you guys. So enjoy.
"Your joy does not come from knowledge about Him. Your peace does not come from understanding or revelation. Your love for Him does not come from a desire birthed from your own tries at righteousness. He Himself, is your joy. And that joy is your strength. He Himself is your peace. And that peace surpasses all understanding. When He is your peace nothing can shake you. Nothing can alter you. Nothing can move or distract you. He Himself is the love inside you. You are only able to love God, by being filled by God. Please hear me. You can not do this on your own. If you are feeling empty, if you are feeling led astray, if you are feeling weak or sad or discouraged or disillusioned. Look to Him. Look at Him. He has all you need. And you must stop trying to be 'good enough' for Him. He says you are beautiful. He already delights in you. Stop trying to get what you are already freely given."
"Your joy does not come from knowledge about Him. Your peace does not come from understanding or revelation. Your love for Him does not come from a desire birthed from your own tries at righteousness. He Himself, is your joy. And that joy is your strength. He Himself is your peace. And that peace surpasses all understanding. When He is your peace nothing can shake you. Nothing can alter you. Nothing can move or distract you. He Himself is the love inside you. You are only able to love God, by being filled by God. Please hear me. You can not do this on your own. If you are feeling empty, if you are feeling led astray, if you are feeling weak or sad or discouraged or disillusioned. Look to Him. Look at Him. He has all you need. And you must stop trying to be 'good enough' for Him. He says you are beautiful. He already delights in you. Stop trying to get what you are already freely given."
Quote of the Week
"God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." -C.S. Lewis
Saturday, February 5, 2011
There is no Joy without the Joy Giver
Another thought. I have been going through this kind of funk, if you will. Everything was going great and yet I had not joy. It was frustrating me. Not because I just wanted to feel "awesome" all the time, but because no matter how good things seemed to be going, I felt empty and almost bitter. Why? I kept asking myself.. and nothing seemed to fit together just right.
Yesterday I went for a walk/jog in the cold. It was surprisingly refreshing and there in the freezing wind, the revelations started hitting me like a ton of bricks. I think I already hit on it some when I talked about God revealing how selfish I am, but I am going to go there again because it has a great importance. You see, to spite the fact that I was involved in ministry, never missed a sunday, even teaching in His name, there is no joy in that if I am doing it for any reason other than to bring Him glory. When I wasn't doing those things I would notice that the things I said to people were almost down right mean. People that have known me for years would even notice that my joy was gone. It was ugly and I knew it, infact I hated it.
"A good man brings good things out of good stored up in his heart, and an evil mans brings out evil things from evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." -Luke 6:45
If you are not truly filling yourself up with Him, than you start expelling nothing but your own emptiness. I speak only from experience friends.
Yesterday I went for a walk/jog in the cold. It was surprisingly refreshing and there in the freezing wind, the revelations started hitting me like a ton of bricks. I think I already hit on it some when I talked about God revealing how selfish I am, but I am going to go there again because it has a great importance. You see, to spite the fact that I was involved in ministry, never missed a sunday, even teaching in His name, there is no joy in that if I am doing it for any reason other than to bring Him glory. When I wasn't doing those things I would notice that the things I said to people were almost down right mean. People that have known me for years would even notice that my joy was gone. It was ugly and I knew it, infact I hated it.
"A good man brings good things out of good stored up in his heart, and an evil mans brings out evil things from evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." -Luke 6:45
If you are not truly filling yourself up with Him, than you start expelling nothing but your own emptiness. I speak only from experience friends.
I Trade These Ashes in
Woke up late last night with this thought. It's a simple one but so extremely relevant to my life right now. I truly feel God is bringing into light all the things ugly and worldly about my life. In the past I have felt this holy fire but only enough to get scorched, and that did nothing but leave a scar. But when you let yourself be submerged in the fire, completely. That is when the true purification happens. And when it's complete. Just like it talks about in that Don Moen song called At the Foot of The Cross, He let's you trade your ashes in for beauty.
Man, He's been rocking my world lately.
Man, He's been rocking my world lately.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Rid me of myself
I had a dream the other night that I was having a conversation with someone that I really respect and always listen to. We were sitting in the middle of a room full of our friends but they were all asleep so we had to whisper. He looked me straight in the eyes and said I don't want you to say the name Lord, anymore unless you mean it. I remember being confused by what he said and kind of offended.
Mean it? Do I not always mean it?
I started thinking about the way I pray and the context I use when I'm talking about Him. I realized pretty quickly that sometimes I don't mean it. Sometimes I use His name to my advantage, not to glorify Him but in a way to glorify myself.
What an ugly thing to realize about yourself, luckily realizing it means I am perfectly capable of changing it.
Rid me of myself, Lord. I belong to You.
Mean it? Do I not always mean it?
I started thinking about the way I pray and the context I use when I'm talking about Him. I realized pretty quickly that sometimes I don't mean it. Sometimes I use His name to my advantage, not to glorify Him but in a way to glorify myself.
What an ugly thing to realize about yourself, luckily realizing it means I am perfectly capable of changing it.
Rid me of myself, Lord. I belong to You.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
He speaks in Silence
"We need to find God and He cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is a friend of silence. See how nature, trees, grass all grow in silence. See the stars, the moon and the sun, they all move in silence. We need that kind of silence to be able to touch souls." -Mother Theresa
Holy and Sanctified
I am loving what teaching on Wednesday nights is teaching me. I have 5th, 6th, and 7th grade girls and when I am preparing my lessons I find that if I can just take myself back to when I was that age, I remember just how much I thought I knew, but really had no idea about. Even the simple things like what Sabbath is, which is what I taught on this week. If you had asked me what Sunday was for me when I was 11 or 12, I'm sure I would have given you a really good church answer back, but I can tell you now that I hadn't even begun to understand what God's intentions for a lot of things were.
So, before I could teach I had to ask myself that question. What is Sunday to me? Is what I use Sunday for, what God made it for?
"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shall you labor and do your work, but the seventh day is Sabbath, the day of the Lord, your God. In it you shall do no work, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor the stranger within your gates, for in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in them and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and sanctified it." -Exodus 20:8-10
Two things I realized from this scripture:
1. God Sanctified Sunday, meaning He set it apart. For me, even though I claim I've made my Sunday about Jesus by going to church and participating in ministry meetings, truthfully it's no different from any other day. I've let those things become just as routine as going to school or work. I think about Luke 10:38-42 where Mary sits at Jesus' feet while Martha is running around doing meaningless tasks. All He wants was exactly what Mary was doing. Just be with Him.
2. The other thing I caught was how we are to keep Sunday holy. I've heard the word holy a thousand times growing up and never really thought about it's meaning until I read Elisabeth Elliot's definition this past summer. She says holy, comes from the root word wholly, which also means complete, hearty or healthy. So, if Sunday is meant to be sanctified and holy, then it should differ form all other days and no matter what happened, what you were going through, sickness, stress, or loss. On Sunday, you can spend time at the Lord's feet and be filled again, and made full.
So, before I could teach I had to ask myself that question. What is Sunday to me? Is what I use Sunday for, what God made it for?
"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shall you labor and do your work, but the seventh day is Sabbath, the day of the Lord, your God. In it you shall do no work, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor the stranger within your gates, for in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in them and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and sanctified it." -Exodus 20:8-10
Two things I realized from this scripture:
1. God Sanctified Sunday, meaning He set it apart. For me, even though I claim I've made my Sunday about Jesus by going to church and participating in ministry meetings, truthfully it's no different from any other day. I've let those things become just as routine as going to school or work. I think about Luke 10:38-42 where Mary sits at Jesus' feet while Martha is running around doing meaningless tasks. All He wants was exactly what Mary was doing. Just be with Him.
2. The other thing I caught was how we are to keep Sunday holy. I've heard the word holy a thousand times growing up and never really thought about it's meaning until I read Elisabeth Elliot's definition this past summer. She says holy, comes from the root word wholly, which also means complete, hearty or healthy. So, if Sunday is meant to be sanctified and holy, then it should differ form all other days and no matter what happened, what you were going through, sickness, stress, or loss. On Sunday, you can spend time at the Lord's feet and be filled again, and made full.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Today
Today was so many things. My daddy drove up from Hoover to spend time with me, we ate lunch and then we went for a long walk. God is doing crazy...CRAZY things in my family, sometimes I'm scared to believe it's even happening after all these years of praying. If you ever feel like your prayers aren't being heard, you're wrong. God doesn't run on your schedule, his has his own agenda and it's beautiful.
On a seperate note, a good friend said in conversation the other night said, "When you are sure of something, be sure. If you can't see how and why or when, that's okay, that's when you wait on God. That's when you just have to keep being patient."
I liked that. It was worth remembering.
"All I have seen, teaches me to trust Him for all I have not seen."
On a seperate note, a good friend said in conversation the other night said, "When you are sure of something, be sure. If you can't see how and why or when, that's okay, that's when you wait on God. That's when you just have to keep being patient."
I liked that. It was worth remembering.
"All I have seen, teaches me to trust Him for all I have not seen."
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Gloom's Cure
I'm reading another Elisabeth Elliot book. Big surprise, I know. This one is called "Let Me Be a Woman." I just read a part where she discusses the cure to feeling lonely, depresseed, or just down on yourself. I have a hard time ever admitting feeling any of those things, but the truth is, sometimes when I've away from people for too long that is exactly how I feel. Elisabeth Elliot quotes Amy Carmichael when she says,
"If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your desire with good things, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters fail not. And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of the streets, a path leading home."
Simply, I love that. I had to read it a few times but the more I did, the more it meant to me. To be someone's path leading "home" is far more rewarding than anything else I can think of doing for myself. The Lord is teaching me so much about what it means to serve and to truely love. Loving means not looking back but running forward and reaching out to those He places on your path along the way.
"If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your desire with good things, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters fail not. And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of the streets, a path leading home."
Simply, I love that. I had to read it a few times but the more I did, the more it meant to me. To be someone's path leading "home" is far more rewarding than anything else I can think of doing for myself. The Lord is teaching me so much about what it means to serve and to truely love. Loving means not looking back but running forward and reaching out to those He places on your path along the way.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
He holds it all together
A while ago I laid my shattered heart in God's hands. His were the only ones that could hold that many pieces together. He lovingly sent it through fire for purification and spent days, weeks, and months chiseling out all the rough edges, molding and remolding. The process was the most painful thing I've ever been through in my short 21 and a half years. Would I change a thing? No. The closest I've ever drawn to the Lord is when his arms were the only ones I had. He ever so tenderly held me the whole time.
"We please God most, not by frantically trying to make oursleves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms." -A.W. Tozer
"We please God most, not by frantically trying to make oursleves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms." -A.W. Tozer
Trust more, question less
"God doesn't promise us understanding, He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less."
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Blank Graph Paper
The other night when I was sitting at dinner with my parents, I asked my dad what made him get the courage to quit his job that he's been doing ever since I can remember. He said,
"I like to make my yearly goals out on a piece of graph paper every year and this time I was staring at the paper but I couldn't seem to see anything I wrote, just all the different squares that make up the whole sheet. The more I looked at them, the more I realized if I were to color in a square for every day I actually lived since I've had this job, I'm not sure I could even fill up one sheet. That was the moment I got the courage."
I was not only enthralled with his boldness, it ignited something inside me. Not so much that I need to quit my job or anything else, but to question what I am doing with my time. How many days have I truly lived with the Lord's intentions in mind and not my own? How many days could I color for having done something for the kingdom and not myself? I'd be afraid to see the results.
My pastor spoke this past week and he said something to the extent of 'to awaken our holy spirit is to be alive, moving and doing for the cause of Christ.' If that is true than I have some work to do. I have some adjustments to make because a blank piece of graph paper says I'm merely existing. I was made for more than that. We all were.
"I like to make my yearly goals out on a piece of graph paper every year and this time I was staring at the paper but I couldn't seem to see anything I wrote, just all the different squares that make up the whole sheet. The more I looked at them, the more I realized if I were to color in a square for every day I actually lived since I've had this job, I'm not sure I could even fill up one sheet. That was the moment I got the courage."
I was not only enthralled with his boldness, it ignited something inside me. Not so much that I need to quit my job or anything else, but to question what I am doing with my time. How many days have I truly lived with the Lord's intentions in mind and not my own? How many days could I color for having done something for the kingdom and not myself? I'd be afraid to see the results.
My pastor spoke this past week and he said something to the extent of 'to awaken our holy spirit is to be alive, moving and doing for the cause of Christ.' If that is true than I have some work to do. I have some adjustments to make because a blank piece of graph paper says I'm merely existing. I was made for more than that. We all were.
Quote of the week
"I want to be a woman who lives totally abandoned to the first commandment. To love my Lord, my God, with all my heart. I don't want the reputation that I love God, I don't want to write songs about loving God, I don't want to talk about loving God. I want to actually love God. When I close my eyes, I want my heart to move. When I close my eyes and look at Him, I want to feel alive on the inside. I want to look at Him with a fire in my heart that is real."
-Misty Edwards
-Misty Edwards
Saturday, January 8, 2011
New Beginning
I went to dinner with my parents a few days ago and the Lord really showed me what He is doing in them with a simple moment that night. Our family is at a very bitter sweet place in our journey and in the midst of what should be the worst, my parents smiled at me. From across our little booth at Applebee's, they showed me just how much faith this family is built on. My dad, what a sweet man, I couldn't love him more, his smile warmed me as he told me about quitting his job last week and taking the leap of faith. God wants him else where. He said, "Kendall, this is a new beginning for us." My mom smiled back at my dad and then at me and in that moment, I realized that God himself had sent fire to keep a flame glowing that I thought had every reason to burn out. What a beautiful thing it is when you realize that all the little pieces you thought could never be put back together somehow fit perfectly because His will is always perfect.
If you keep up with my blog, a while ago I wrote about God sending fire and lighting an alter of damp wood to prove that He Is in 1 Kings 18. For weeks I was so focused on whether my life was damp wood or not that I forgot the end of the story. It didn't matter the state of the wood. God was going to send fire, and even the most inflammable would be ignited.
Thank you Lord. You are faithful til the end.
I can't fancy what God has up His sleeve, but I know it's wonderful, because that is what He is. The church I was lead to start attending and later joined in Tuscaloosa is also called New Beginning, and I have no doubt I'm there because He wants me there. What that means and why I don't have the slightest clue but He does and that is enough.
'God said, "My presence will go with you, I will see the journey to the end."' -Exodus 33:14
One Hundred
This is my 100th post guys. Meaning I have stayed consistent. I am only consistent with things I love or feel obligated too. Examples, I love my friends therefore I'm extremely loyal. My job, while I don't always love it, I understand that I am obligated therefore I stick with it. This means, I either feel obligated to blog or I love it and survey says.... it's true love. I genuinely enjoy it. Even if no one saw it I think I'd still keep it up, but those who do read, thank you and I appreciate you. :)
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Oh, okay Jesus
I've wasted a whole lot of time trying on different versions of myself in hopes of becoming someone God would find worthy. I've tried to be so many that I have found I barely know myself. My true self, and more than that, my true intentions that make up myself. At the heart of it, I'm the most selfish person I know, but I slap the name Jesus on my motives and it gets me a "get out of jail free card" most times. I've wasted opportunities because I couldn't see one foot in front of the other so I refused to step. I have done everything but the one simple thing. Pray. I've been trying to be in the will of God, but I haven't even bothered to ask God what exactly that is. He's got blinders on me, not because He does not want me to see the glory ahead, but because I'm to stubborn to ask for guidence and have a little faith. So, I'm going to pray and I'm going to document it because I like to be able to look back and see the moves of God in my life and that, my friends, is something I believe is worth sharing.
Father, I pray for a peace beyond understanding, for joy that overflows my cup into the lives all around me. Even when I don't feel you and even when things aren't going as I had planned, help me remember that Your plan is still in motion. I will stand on that. I will stand on You and begin building a faith that cannot be shaken instead of these walls of fear I've lived behind. Place in me a hunger for righteousness and a distaste for all not of You. Give me new eyes to see people as you see them. Ignite a super natural fire. Make this not about me and what my life will become, but about You and how you can use me.
In your holy name.
Amen
Father, I pray for a peace beyond understanding, for joy that overflows my cup into the lives all around me. Even when I don't feel you and even when things aren't going as I had planned, help me remember that Your plan is still in motion. I will stand on that. I will stand on You and begin building a faith that cannot be shaken instead of these walls of fear I've lived behind. Place in me a hunger for righteousness and a distaste for all not of You. Give me new eyes to see people as you see them. Ignite a super natural fire. Make this not about me and what my life will become, but about You and how you can use me.
In your holy name.
Amen
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